If you’re like me and have only been laid once in your life (Thank you, Y2K!), you’ll immediately recognize Laura Vandervoort as Kara/Supergirl on Smallville. If you’ve never seen Smallville, soon you’ll recognize Laura as Bikini Girl #2 in the Audrina Patridge vehicle Into the Blue 2: Script? Shit, We Just Put a Bunch of Chicks in Bikinis. Academy Awards, watch out!

Katie Price decided to do a little topless sunbathing while vacationing in Cairns. And, oh man, wait until you guys see what’s under those stars. Wow! You won’t believe it.*

NOTE: All pics are seriously, seriously NSFW. And also NSFC, NSFHE, and, also, NSFMW**.

*The Superficial Writer is not responsible for any crying, eye gouging or damage from heroic feats of masturbation in the face of adversity. And by adversity I mean those really wicked implant scars. *HORF A NORF*

**C = children, HE = human eyes, MW = my wang. Ha ha = I love asterisks!

If you’re like me and have only been laid once in your life (Thank you, Y2K!), you’ll immediately recognize Laura Vandervoort as Kara/Supergirl on Smallville. If you’ve never seen Smallville, soon you’ll recognize Laura as Bikini Girl #2 in the Audrina Patridge vehicle Into the Blue 2: Script? Shit, We Just Put a Bunch of Chicks in Bikinis. Academy Awards, watch out!

It’s a documented fact that I want the entire cast of The Hills to get West Nile Virus in the face. That said, when one of them, in this case Audrina Patridge, slaps on a bikini I’m compelled by my dedication to science to post the above pics. Here she is on the set of her first film Into the Blue 2: Now With More Bikini!. After the film’s smashing straight to video success, you can look forward to seeing her next movie Jugsalonia: Starring Audrina, That Other Chick from The Hills with Fake Tits. Yeah, With the Wonk-Eye. God, I love cinema.

Pete Wentz (full name Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz III, I shit you not) had a bachelor party thrown for him last night with his dad (pink shirt) and future father-in-law Joe Simpson. No doubt, Pete’s father did backflips when he learned Pete was marrying a girl then immediately stormed down to the VFW and punched out everyone that ever mocked him. Even though he never served in the military and typically drinks at Applebee’s. Anyway, I can just picture the words of excitement coming out of Pete’s mouth during this momentous occasion of male-bonding:

“Oh, lookee, father! A stripper establishment. Goody-gum-drops. I do so hope we can put dollar bills into their panties. Oh, can we, father? I’d be the happiest boy in the world! I would, I would.”

But, no, seriously. Congratulations, Pete, and if I ever see you, I’ll hit you in the face with your own neon-blue-laced hightops. Cheers!

Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty continued to party as if they’re last zombies on Earth. Looking at pics from last night, I think it’s safe to say these two shouldn’t be allowed in the same room. Or country. Nay - hemisphere! You know what? Fuck it. Can’t we just send one of them to the moon? I mean, it’ll be easy. Just tell them it’s a really big ball of space-crack. They’ll find a way up. Which may or may not involve Amy tying M-80s to Pete’s shoes. (Fingers crossed!)

Thanks to Karen who’s happy to be in New Zealand far way from these two. Unless they learn to swim then, my God, none of us are safe…

Britney Spears stopped at a health clinic yesterday before taking flight with Mad Max for Jesus himself, Mel Gibson. This adds fuel to the rampant speculation that she’s got Adnan Jr. in her belly. But, there could be other causes for her recent weight gain, according to The Sun:

The source said: “Despite daily workouts, she has put on a lot of weight in recent weeks. She isn’t saying if she is pregnant, but she is taking medication which has affected her weight. Living with her dad — a chef — means she has piled on pounds. She is extremely paranoid about her body at the moment.”
Britney is also believed to be struggling with her weight after she stopped taking Adderol, a stimulant prescribed for attention deficit disorder and used by women to keep hunger under control. Addiction specialist Marty Brenner said: “Weight gain is a common side effect.”

Someone needs to get to the bottom of this. I wonder if Britney Spears would let me look at her vagina with a magnifying glass? WOW! Too far, me. Way, way, way too far. No one needs to see that - ever. In fact, if she’s pregnant, I think the doctor should be allowed to deliver the baby blindfolded. So Vote “Yes” on California Doctors with Blindfolds in the Case of Britney Law. A doctor is a terrible thing to waste - unless he won’t give you free boner pills. I hate you, doc!

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi are taking immediate advantage of the California Supreme Court ruling that struck down the ban on gay marriage. The two plan to wed according to a spy for TMZ who was on the set for the latest episode of Ellen that will air today:

She surprised everyone and announced that she was going to tie the knot with longtime girlfriend, actress Portia de Rossi. Portia was in the crowd and after she made the announcement, the studio audience went wild, giving the two a huge standing O.

To some people, this news is a triumph for civil liberties. To others (*cough*thesouth*cough*), this is worse than 9/11. To me, however, this is just confusing. I mean, who makes the sandwiches? Do they flip a coin or something? I want to say Ellen is the “man,” but then again Portia looks like she could throw some elbows. But those elbows could do some wicked ironing. God, this is tough. Superficial Writer frustrated! Superficial Writer lie on floor of men’s room. Superficial Writer hash this thing out.

UPDATE: Superficial Writer caught Geekologie Writer no wash hands.

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have officially broken up - again. Oh no. This can’t end well. Especially when one of Owen’s pals makes the following comment to People:

“It was a pretty bad breakup,” says a Wilson pal. “Owen said it was a tough one. He definitely doesn’t want to dwell on it. He wants to put it behind him.”

Yikes! Somebody hide the heroin. But, in all seriousness, I can’t even get myself worked up over these two. Not when freaking Lana left Clark last night on Smallville. I’m still crying! I mean, damn, is there hope for anybody in this topsy-turvy world! *kicks down cubicle* WHAT IS THERE TO LIVE FOR?!? I CAN’T– Ooh, mini-eclairs! Nice. Say, can we get a janitor to clean this mess up? I, uh, saw a pack of Shriners plow through here on their karts. Yeah, Shriners…

The latest issue of Vogue Germany features a totally topless Claudia Schiffer. This picture would be unbelievably hot except her nipples appear to be airbrushed out. Unless she suffers from a rare disease where they’re invisible. In which case, Claudia, my sincere apologies. I know what it’s like to have transparent body parts. Right, invisi-penis?*

Thanks to James, who is totally straight despite the best efforts of this 100% insane PS3 ad.

*The Superficial Writer’s penis is, actually, very transparent. Particularly after that Gamma Ray accident when he got really drunk and tried to take a whiz on Bruce Banner. Damn you science!

Kim Kardashian recently updated her blog with bikini pics of herself and sister Kourtney. If I didn’t write this site, I’d say that makes Kim Kardashian’s blog the most goddamn awesome blog on the Internet*. I’m also not saying it because I’m baffled by Kim’s impromptu shower with a sarong around her waist. What kind of wicked secret is she hiding under that thing? Wait, I got it! LEGOs. Boom! Case closed. Now to solve the mystery of how drunk I’m going to get. (Hint: Lots.)

UPDATE: Added the seriously, like for real Kardashian sisters’ PSA for Burma after the jump. Nothing like the irony of Armenians making light of a national tragedy. HA! You can’t make that shit up. Anyway, enjoy the video before YouTube pulls it again.

*Not counting Bob Cesca’s Goddamn Awesome Blog which, with a title like that, I gotta ask: Where’re the boobs, Bob? Where - are the boobs?

Bai Ling is chilling in Hawaii this week and also did the Lord’s work by partaking in several bikini shoots. This time around, she managed to keep her nipples fully secured. (Or did she??) Anyway, I’ll let you guys marvel at these while I prepare my last post of the day which’ll make it a Superficial Bikini Trifecta . You guys will love who’s coming up next. Or hate her and get into a giant flame war. Ha, you kids!

Before you guys start hurling the typical comments of “OMGZ Old!”; “I saw these on blah blah blah last year.”; and, the always stinging “You’re a marshmallow!”, scope out the angle on these pics. Sure, I posted similar shots on Monday, but not with the God’s view of Jennifer Aniston’s badonker in this recent batch. So that said, just look at the pretty pictures before I come into your house and knock shit over. Starting with your precious Hummels. KERPLOW! Then your Star Wars action figures. HI-YAH! And, finally, your Hannah Montana posters. WICK-A-POW! Wait. This is my house. Goddammit.

Britney Spears and her dad Jamie left for Costa Rica today with Mel “SugarTits” Gibson. The Vagina’d One and Braveheart together on vacation? *picks up phone* Hello? Satan? Yeah, it’s me. What do you know about Britney and Mel Gibson? Uh huh. Plague of frogs is next, you say? Neat. The Insider reports:

Britney arrived on time, about 5 minutes after Mel, and the plane departed at 9:05 a.m.
We spotted them leaving on a private plane to the Central American state early this morning. Sources tell us that Mel is taking Britney and her father JAMIE for a mini-vacation. We’ve learned they will be guests at Mel’s home in Costa Rica.

I know Mel Gibson loves torture, but this seems a tad overboard. Couldn’t he do something a little less abrasive? Like, I dunno, pouring acid on his junk. You gotta start out slow then work your way up to a life-altering evening of “Holy FUCK! Where are her pants?”

NOTE: Also, Britney Spears is definitely pregnant. I’m saying it now and as soon as I get a hold of pics I can use without getting my sweet ass sued off, I’ll get them up for you guys. Scout’s honor - even though I got kicked out for trying to extinguish an entire forest fire with my pee. I could’ve done it, dammit!

After a morning of heated political discussion punctuated with my undying love of Jessica Simpson’s breasts, I find it only fitting that I post something we all can agree on: Christina Aguilera and her ability to rule Planet MILF with an iron fist. Here she is getting ready to hit the club last night with her husband Jordan Bratsquatch. I also included shots of X-tina attending the Christian Dior event in NYC over the weekend. Just to emphasize the MILFy-ness that scientists are pretty sure can cure cancer. Or, at the very least, small pox.

NOTE: Does anyone know what egregious sin Christina Aguilera committed to get stuck with Bilbo Baggins as a mate? Did she pee on the Bible or, even worse, not do the laundry? Please, I can’t sleep at night until I know.

Jessica Simpson can’t handle her ex John Mayer hooking up with Jennifer Aniston. So, in a move that suggests a surprising form of intelligence, Jessica drank all the liquor she could get her big-breasted hands on. Nice! Us Magazine reports:

The 27-year-old singer was so out of it after a four-hour session of drinking at L.A.’s Mexicali Cocina Cantina on May 10 – which started at the pre-happy hour of 4 p.m. with BFF CaCee Cobb and her beau Donald Faison – that she was reduced to leaving her Range Rover in the parking lot and calling her mom Tina for a ride home, Us reports (for good measure, CaCee Cobb threw up under the table); that same night, Us Weekly also reports that beau Tony Romo partied solo in Chicago and was overheard telling friends he was single again.

Okay, Jessica Simpson has a smoking body and drinks like a Fish (!). Holy shit, I couldn’t be more in love right now. And not just because of the ecstasy. Now excuse me while I hug all my co-workers starting with The Geekologie Writer who, dammit, just saw me coming and jumped out the window. Aww
NOTE: Photos link to a catty tale of Tony Romo dumping Jessica before he tries to bang half of Chicago. Quasi-true story.

Dog the Bounty Hunter is returning for its fifth season proving that America loves retarded Bible-totin’ racists - in leather. (Back me up, West Virginia.) A&E held a “carefully choreographed” press conference yesterday to announce its decision to return Dog to the air. The AP reports:

“It’s not about ratings,” A&E spokesman Michael Feeney said. “We know his heart. We know him and know he’s not a racist.”
Scott Lonker, vice president nonfiction and alternative programming at A&E, said viewer demand for the show also weighed in the decision.
Niger Innis, national chairman of the Congress of Racial Equality, said Chapman’s use of the racial slur was wrong. But he noted that Chapman “took ownership of the harm it caused” and “sought to turn his life around.”
Alphonso Braggs, Hawaii chapter president of the NAACP, disagreed, saying Chapman got off lightly for behavior that is “absolutely unacceptable.”
“If individuals see they are able to behave inappropriately with little or no consequence, they will continue that pattern,” he said.

While A&E played it close to the vest with its press conference, somebody should’ve made sure Dog didn’t send out press kits of his own. Like the one I happen to have in my shaky, caffeine-fueled hands:

Dear Viewers,

-DOG

Stephen Colbert has come to the defense of his beloved faux-idol Bill “Papa Bear” O’Reilly. (Video after the jump.) The conservative black hole of douchism, and host of FOX News’ The O’Reilly Factor, has been getting his nuts kicked in via the Internets after an embarrassing video leaked of him flipping out on the set of Inside Edition which he anchored 20 years ago. You might be asking, “What’s this got to do with anything and where’s Britney?” It’s simple, really: A.) Stephen Colbert is the Greatest American Hero since that TV show of the same name.* B.) I need something to distract you Web monkeys while I slip off to Dunkin Donuts for their Free Iced Coffee Day. Now excuse me, so I can start F-in’ trippin’ the bean.

UPDATE: I’ve had ten! HEEEEEEYAW!!

*Believe it or not: Stephen walks on air.

British singer Lily Allen kicked it “Breasts in the Wind” style while vacationing in Cap d’Antibes, France. I’ll assume “d’Antibes” is French talk for “Nipple Fountain on the side of a freaking cliff.” For those of you who don’t know who Lily Allen is, allow me to fill you in on the relevant info: She’s the topless chick in the photos I just posted.

NOTE: These pics are 100% NSFW and an excellent source of boob-tassium, I might add.

Angelina Jolie confirmed today that she is definitely sporting double fetuseses. She had no choice in the matter after Jack Black accidentally spilled the beans then sang a goofy song with his guitar. Us Magazine reports:

Jolie confirmed the news that has long been rumored: she and beau Brad Pitt are expecting twins. Her Kung Fu Panda co-star Jack Black let the news slip during an interview about the movie that took place this afternoon at the Cannes Film Festival in France.

For those keeping score at home, this brings the Pitt-Jolie’s one baby closer to TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION. Better start brushing up on your Pitt-Jolie-ese. Feel free to practice by translating the following examples. (Hint: Don’t forget to conjugate the verbs.):

1. Baby uterus adopt the ridiculously good looking with the procreate.
2. Monster boobs!
3. Charity UN the fallopian tube Brad pecs.
4. What the fuck happened to Ed Norton’s career?

Answer Key: 1. Please put mustard on my sandwich. 2. Hello! (Formal.) 3. The bathroom is the second door to the left. 4. What the fuck happened to Ed Norton’s career?

Madonna weighed in on Britney Spears’ lack of a normal childhood and blamed it as the cause of her insanity. Fortunately, Madonna’s kids have absolutely no interest in fame, according toPeople:

In fact, they clamor for a “normal mom.” Asked if they give her a hard time for working so much, Madonna say, “Yeah! ‘When are you coming home?’ ‘Why are you always working?’ ‘Why can’t you just be like a normal mom?’ I just remind them about all the things that they have, and that if I didn’t do what I did they wouldn’t have those things.”
So what are the perks? “They get to travel a lot, they get to do a lot of interesting things and meet a lot of interesting people. Usually that shuts them up.”

Way to be, Madonna! You truly kick ass at being a mom. Because nothing produces well-rounded children like teaching them material objects are the key to happiness and are a suitable replacement for a mother who’s got more important things to do then spend time with you. It’s practically a wholesome family episode of Leave it to Beaver. Except this one ends with Lourdes snorting coke off of Joe Francis’ coffee table.

NOTE: Glad to see Madonna covering up “The Guns of Navarone” while in public. THANK YOU!

First off, I’m not going to deny that I’m taking extreme pleasure in finally not being the one whose light-years behind on a story. (Thought I gotta admit, I’m pretty good at it.) Star, who can no longer remain smug in their finery, is just now reporting on the Joel Madden/Lindsay Lohan flirting debacle. Yeah, sure Star has inside details on Nicole Richie’s reaction, but you know what I say to that? HA HA FRIST!:

The Good Charlotte rocker seemed more interested in a seductive Lindsay than in spinning records.
“Their heads were practically touching, and he had his leg over hers,” says one onlooker. “Joel has a flirtatious side, and he definitely wasn’t turning her away.”
Making the situation worse, Nicole frantically tried to call Joel, but he wasn’t answering his phone.
“He was so zeroed in on Lindsay, he never heard his cell ring,” a friend of the couple tells Star. “Nicole felt so incredibly helpless and upset that she threw her phone against the wall in a rage.”

I really can’t fault Joel Madden for flirting with The Boobed One. When you look like Elmer Fudd’s retarded twin brother, you take all the lady attention you can get. You know, before they sober up and realize Good Charlotte is a form of torture in some countries (i.e. This one.)

Either I’m hallucinating from the bottle of Benadryl I just downed (stupid allergies) or God really hates my eyes - with a vengeance generally reserved for Revelations. These are pics of Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty sharing a creepy-ass kiss at a party she threw last night. I gotta admit, partying with Amy Winehouse would be off the chain gang. I mean, you know you’re going to see a human corpse by the end of the night. And I’m not just talking about Amy.

Thanks to Hattie who’s a Hottie Boom-Blattie.

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon rented out Six Flags Magic Mountain last night for a post-wedding bash. Hip Hollywood has the exclusive details and photos of cupcakes. I, on the other hand, am quoting their site and posting an airbrushed pic of Mariah in a bikini from the new Vibe. I WIN! And now on to the party:

Cannon shut down the park, at a cost in the mid-six figure range, so that he and Mariah could party with 100 friends and family. Nick had the park decorated in pink and purple balloons with Carey’s signature butterflies also a fixture. Mariah’s album was playing throughout the park the entire evening, and each guest received a pink or red Superman cape as a gift.
The couple arrived a little after 8PM, greeted friends, then headed straight to the parks’ flying rollercoaster, Tatsu. On the way Nick shot baskets with his buddies as his wife cheered him on. After a wild ride, the couple wanted to go again, but instead headed to the reception to greet guests. At
the reception, they milled about with friends and family, all the while, holding hands and embracing in between conversations.

Okay, going to weddings is boring enough. But how lame must it be to have to watch your newly married friends ride roller coasters? Oh, wow, look at them move around the track and stuff. Whee. Is there a whiskey fountain at this thing? Or, shit, how about heroin? Is there a junkie in the park? Junkie! Looking for a junkie.

Britney Spears seems to have started a new tradition: Whenever her latest cameo in How I Met Your Mother airs, Britney goes out and rear-ends random people with her Mercedes. Good for her! Of course, some might say Britney is actually honoring an even older tradition: Anytime she gets behind the wheel - SHE FUCKING AIMS TO KILL! TMZ reports:

Brit hit a red Ford Explorer, driven by a lady. No injuries, as far as we know — Britney didn’t even get out of the car. Her bodyguard got out and talked to the other woman.
The red Explorer Brit hit is now following her back to Britney’s home.
Britney was stopped at a light and, for some reason, accelerated when the light was still red, hitting the Explorer stopped in front of her, causing minor damage.

Let’s stop beating around the bush, and just give Britney a bumper car to drive on the freeway. That way people can see the little pole zipping at them and take evasive action. Like diving out the sun roof or using their kid as an airbag. You know, safety stuff.