These are a couple days old but it’s Cindy Crawford so, you know, who cares? She still looks amazing for a 41-year-old. I don’t want to start any rumors, but I hear she drinks the blood of newborns to stay youthful. And did I just make that up? Maybe. The only thing we know for sure is that I’m still the reigning champion of the National Sexiest Person Alive Competition. See, because I’m so sexy.

Angelina Jolie took her four children to a Children’s Petting Zoo in Central Park yesterday, and Shiloh made a rare appearance. Although being the daughter of Angelina Jolie it’s not really any surprise she has lips like that. What is surprising, though, is that I read somewhere she can store up to twenty acorns in those cheeks. That’s fact-tastic!

NOTE: When I say I read something somewhere, just assume I mean I had a delirious dream where everybody was human-sized chipmunks. But those two are practically the same thing so this isn’t even worth mentioning.

One more shot of Angelina with Shiloh after the jump.

Cameron Diaz celebrated her 35th birthday yesterday on the set of her new movie What Happens in Vegas. Wait, she’s 35? It kind of makes me wonder if all those young dudes she’s been with are really dating her, or helping her cross the street. I’m not saying Cameron Diaz is old, I’m just saying she’s not getting any younger. Or, let’s be honest, more attractive. But, hey, at least she’s finding work. Wait, what’s that? Ashton Kutcher is in it? Jesus! That’s terrible! I mean, uh, Happy Birthday?

Fun Fact: When not chewing food or speaking, Cameron Diaz’s mouth is occasionally rented out to host large parties and weddings.

Two new Britney Spears songs have popped up online and they’re every bit as bad as you’d expect. According to The Sun, she opens her new song Cold As Fire with the lyrics:

“I’m just the girl with the ability to drive a man crazy/ Make him come in my mouth/ Make him my new baby”

Other sources are saying the lyrics are:

“I’m just the girl with the ability to drive a man crazy/ Make him call me mama/ Make him my new baby”

You can listen for yourself here, but either way it’s bad. Like really really bad. Like so bad I thought it was a fake. I think they squeezed Britney until they got her voice as high up as it is, and then pulled some random people off the subway and made them backup singers. And Britney’s next single Gimme More (listen here) opens with the lyrics:

“It’s Britney, bitch”

Ooh, sassy. I don’t know about you, but this Britney character sounds like she’s got a lot of attitude. Man, I bet she also smokes and wears sunglasses indoors. She’s so cool.

NOTE: Just to be complete, here’s her third leaked song. Although it’s the same one I posted a couple weeks ago and still just as bad.

Here’s Ashton Kutcher wearing Capri pants and a shirt with a shiny hummingbird on it. Because, you know, Capri pants. And a shiny hummingbird. All further evidence to support my theory that Ashton Kutcher is the toughest man on the planet. I’m just waiting for the paparazzi shots of him buying tampons with Demi Moore. You know Demi doesn’t need them because of a little thing called menopause. And if you don’t know what menopause is, just ask somebody old like Demi. Your grandmother, for example. Don’t worry, eventually she’ll stop sobbing long enough to explain it to you.

Larry Rudolph, the former manager of Britney Spears, was subpoenaed Thursday and must now testify in the custody battle between Britney and Kevin Federline. Larry had told Ryan Seacrest earlier this week that he was trying to avoid being served for fear of harming Britney’s case. People reports:

Rudolph “was served about 30 minutes ago,” said Erin Tietsort, the assistant manager at the Sunset Tan in West Los Angeles, on Thursday afternoon. “He’s employed here. He’s part-owner.”

Tietsort described the process server as a 5′8″ brunette in black slacks and a buttoned-up shirt.

“We asked her who she was but she just said she had a meeting with [Rudolph]. After he walked in he said, ‘Can I help you?’ and she just handed the papers and left. He had no idea. He then said [to himself], ‘Oh, okay. Yeah. They’ve been looking for me. This is for Britney Spears-Kevin Federline.’ I was like, ‘Really?’ And he just stared out the window. You could tell he wasn’t too happy about it,” said Tietsort.

There is only one plausible explanation for these turn of events: Larry Rudolph is absolutely, 100% retarded. Who publicly says they have damaging information about a high-profile celebrity custody battle, then hides out in a establishment they are part owner of? Larry Rudolph. That’s who. In case you’re not fully convinced of the guy’s stupidity, here’s something to chew on: Larry Rudolph thought it was a good idea for Britney Spears to hang out with Paris Hilton. If his goal was to blind the world, mission accomplished.

Remember when Gwen Stefani looked like this? I guess she decided to stop looking like a homeless person and start looking, well, hot. And didn’t she just have a kid? Look at her stomach. She deserves a medal for looking this good. I don’t want to point any fingers, but sometimes when people have kids they get fat and ugly and forget to wear pants. And are named Britney. Spears. Britney Spears. I’m talking about Britney Spears. Not sure if you got it because I was being so subtle.

Lauren Conrad and some other people from The Hills were spotted frolicking on the beach. Which is news, because, you know, one time Lauren totally kissed Jason and then Heidi was all, “I can’t believe she did that” but she did, and then she ordered a latte and got a tan. So see? Famous. Man, how does she handle the pressures of being her? She’s like a monolith.

NOTE: I wonder how much she gets paid to stand on the beach and do nothing. Oh wait, that’s right.

An attorney for Owen Wilson tells Access Hollywood that Owen did slit his wrists, but contrary to reports there was no drug overdose and he didn’t get his stomach pumped. The attorney adds that Owen had been taking antidepressants, but he was not aware of any other drugs in his system at the time of the incident. And if you’re wondering if the 911 tapes will ever be released, the Santa Monica City Attorney’s office says no:

“In reaching this decision the City believes that in many instances no person should have to worry about whether placing a call for emergency assistance will automatically make his or her medical request open to public review,” the City Attorney’s office said in a press release late Wednesday. “In balancing the competing interests, the City agencies outweigh the public interest served by disclosure of the emergency 911 call. In situation such as this, the City concludes that the public is best served if medical attention is promptly sought instead of being delayed because of a concern, real or imagined, of public attention, regardless of whether that publicity is sympathetic or not.”

See, guys? All he did was slit his wrists. It’s not like he overdosed on drugs or anything. I bet all you guys who said he had problems must feel pretty embarrassed right about now.

Shannon Funk, the former assistant to Britney Spears, is apparently worthy of paparazzi attention. Granted, she’s sort of hot in a slutty, hey-she’s-not-Britney kind of way. But this chick is not a celebrity. Want further proof? She’s hanging out with Jamie Kennedy. The last person seen in public with Jamie was an Egg McMuffin. But at least the McMuffin wasn’t dishing out free lap dances. Not that Jamie Kennedy would turn one down. I heard he once got an erotic massage from a bagel. I have no evidence to back that up, but this is the gossip biz, so what I say goes. Now on to my next story: “Jamie Kennedy impregnates Whopper with cheese.”

Remember when Gwen Stefani looked like this? I guess she decided to stop looking like a homeless person and start looking, well, hot. And didn’t she just have a kid? Look at her stomach. She deserves a medal for looking this good. I don’t want to point any fingers, but sometimes when people have kids they get fat and ugly and forget to wear pants. And are named Britney. Spears. Britney Spears. I’m talking about Britney Spears. Not sure if you got it because I was being so subtle.

Hayden Panettiere and the cast of Heroes are promoting the show in Paris this week. For those of you confusing the large metal structure behind Hayden for the Eiffel Tower, you couldn’t be more wrong. It’s my boner. That’s right. I’m a giant love-robot sent back from the future. What, you couldn’t tell? I thought the giant metal wang would’ve given it away.

Britney Spears met with MTV execs and presented them with an opening act for the upcoming Video Music Awards. Criss Angel helped design the performance that Britney hopes will return her to the forefront of modern pop. US Magazine reports:

“She’s planning it to be a big comeback performance,” says a Spears insider, who adds that the goal is to make it “shocking.” One early idea that was canned? Performing “My Prerogative” amid a medley of hits, as images of exes Justin Timberlake, 26, and Kevin Federline, 29, and other gossip fodder flashed on a screen behind her. As for a report that she’d do a duet with Timberlake? “Totally, patently false,” says a Timberlake source.

You know what would be a really shocking performance? If MTV showed a video of Britney Spears staying at home, tending to her children and basically acting like a human being with normal maternal instincts. Nobody gets dropped or used for an ashtray. Child services doesn’t stop by. And most importantly, no one sees up Britney’s skirt. Will she and Criss Angel go that route? Probably not. She’s going to pull a rabbit out of a hat and gyrate on stage until it dies. Criss Angel will jump out of Britney’s leotard and yell “Abracadabra!” prompting your TV to self-destruct. It might be made out of circuits and metal, but goddammit if it doesn’t have a heart and won’t let you suffer.

In the latest issue of Harper’s Bazaar, Ashton Kutcher writes an advice column for couples struggling with how to dress. If your skull didn’t just explode because you read the phrase “Ashton Kutcher writes,” check out his pearls of wisdom as reported by People:

On a man’s place in relation to a woman
“Your man should not upstage you. He’s there to highlight you.”

On complementing your man
“Guys don’t like to be told they look nice, pretty, or cute or that they clean up well. We want to feel dirty, rugged, and, most important, that you feel safe when you are in our company. So when your guy finally tries on something that you like, tell him that he looks like James Bond or Tony Montana”

On men’s importance in relation to clothes
“When it comes to getting dressed, men are a little bit more important than handbags but less important than shoes. At any rate, we are merely accessories.”

Look, I’m not a doctor. I do, however, practice non-licensed, amateur gynecology behind a Chinese buffet next to the freeway. It’s something of a hobby. Anyway, after reading his article, my experience qualifies me to make the following statement: Ashton Kutcher has a vagina. A giant, man-hating vagina that threatens our very existence. When it’s not too busy picking out handbags.

God help me I don’t know why, but Jenna Jameson has become my favorite person to look at lately. I can’t even comprehend that she’s a person anymore. She looks like the result of some terrible experiment to mate a human, a duck, and a Saturday morning cartoon. And I knew Tito Ortiz was tough, but tough enough to bring himself to have sex with this thing? He’s like Wolverine and a beer keg smooshed into one.

Criss Angel says he doesn’t use magic to land dates with the likes of Cameron Diaz, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. He claims to just live his life and is not a serial dater. Criss elaborated to People Magazine about his recent publicized encounter with Britney Spears:

“She had contacted me regarding some live performances. I’ve designed and created many effects for even Steve Wynn’s hotel and Le Reve show. And that’s what I do. So they brought me on to discuss the possibility of working on some stuff with her.” He adds, “And, being that I’m insanely busy, the only time that I had was in the evening. And she was busy doing stuff, so we met in the evening.” He also says the two of them were anything but alone together. “What you failed to see is, when we meet, there’s a lot of other people around a bunch of the time,” he says.

Criss does this one really awesome trick whenever he’s out on a date. It’s absolutely amazing. What he does is this: He takes a girl out for drinks at some fancy club. They start a conversation then, all of sudden, she wakes up in a hotel room – and Criss Angel is having sex with her! WOW! How does he do that? He truly is the Mindfreak.

Lindsay Lohan was reportedly caught taking drugs and having sex in rehab and has been warned she’ll be thrown out if she doesn’t stay clean. She was forced to take a drug test by the staff at Utah’s Cirque Lodge rehab facility and the results came back positive. A source says:

“Lindsay got called into the director’s office on August 15 and was questioned about drugs. When ordered to take a drug test, she reluctantly complied but screamed and cursed at the medical director before storming out the room. She was told that if she couldn’t conform to the programme she’d have to leave.”

According to reports, Lindsay was also said to have been caught having sex in a toilet stall with a male patient. She’s also frequently late to meetings and refuses to do any chores or menial tasks such as washing up. Man, even in rehab this woman is unstoppable. She’s like the Terminator, but instead of being programmed to kill she’s been programmed to party. Earth could get hit by a meteor and Lindsay Lohan would be the only surviving creature, and instead of looking for other survivors or getting help, she’d just drink a beer and try to hump a corpse.

I’m not sure what has to be going through a person’s mind that they could leave their house forgetting to wear pants. Then again, I have no idea what’s going through Britney Spears’ mind period. If you could peek inside her brain I’m pretty sure you’d see a cartoon kitty taking a nap.

UPDATE: Want to see the view from the back? Of course not, but it’s right here if you’re interested.

Owen Wilson was reportedly struggling with depression and hooked on heroin and cocaine, and it was his drug addiction that caused his breakup with Kate Hudson. And who’s to blame for all this? Apparently some British guy named Steve Coogan. The New York Post reports:

“I went through it with Steve,” Coogan’s former girlfriend, rocker Courtney Love, told US.

“I was just out of rehab, and he was right there with the drugs. I tried to warn Owen. I tried to warn his friends. I hope from the bottom of my heart that Owen stays the hell away from that guy.”

Wilson’s addiction was so severe, his pal Woody Harrelson tried to stage an intervention at his home in Maui.

“Owen went to Maui, Hawaii, to kick his habit,” a longtime Wilson pal told the mag. “He was like a baby on that couch.”

The friend said that heroin was the first thing that came to mind when Wilson and Hudson split and he suddenly “disappeared off the face of the earth.”

“I thought, briefly, he might be back on heroin, but we all really felt he’d kicked that ages ago,” his friend said.

It’s bad enough this Steve Coogan guy basically made Owen Wilson want to kill himself, but you seriously have to reexamine your life if Courtney Love calls you a bad influence. I saw her make out with a hypodermic needles once and the only complaint she had was that it was “kind of pokey.”

Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael Lohan will be visiting the troubled actress at the Cirque Lodge rehabilitation center in Utah. The two haven’t seen each other in years due to Michael’s trouble with the law and abusive temper, but Lindsay has decided to let him visit. Page Six reports:

“It’s a part of the healing process,” a friend said. “Lindsay will see him later this week, but she will have counselors with her. It will not be alone.” … In order for him to be allowed to visit, Dina - who has a restraining order out against Michael - had to get it lifted. “Dina thinks it is a good idea,” the friend said. “Lindsay needs to deal with this and needs closure.”

Battling drug and alcohol addiction has probably left Lindsay in a fragile state. I’m pretty sure seeing her father for the first time in years might not have the desired results counselors are looking for. Especially considering the first words out of Michael’s mouth will be: “Whoa, where did those come from?” Later that evening authorities will be scratching their heads over how in the hell Lindsay managed to drive her SUV into the Statue of Liberty’s face.

Angelina Jolie paid a humanitarian visit to Iraq today, one of over 20 countries she’s visited since becoming a goodwill ambassador for the United Nations. Reuters reports:

“I have come to Syria and Iraq to help draw attention to this humanitarian crisis and to urge governments to increase their support for UNHCR and its partners,” the actress said in a statement released by the U.N. High Commissioner for Refugees. “It is absolutely essential that the ongoing debate about Iraq’s future includes plans for addressing the enormous humanitarian consequences these people face,” she said.

See? Sometimes I cover the news here. Hard news. News so hard it’ll make Angelina Jolie forget all about Brad Pitt and their 500 kids. You liking that, Angie? Let’s go find a tent somewhere and I’ll pretend to care about whatever it is that you do. The United Bacons, right? Sounds hot.

I pretty much assumed Amy Winehouse’s husband Blake Fielder-Civil was raised by sewer rats, but it appears he does have parents who naturally aren’t too thrilled with their daughter-in-law’s latest escapades. The Fielder-Civil’s are calling for Amy’s fan to boycott her music in order to send a message that “her addiction and behavior are not acceptable.” They told BBC Radio 5 this morning that they believed their son and daughter-in-law were drug addicts in denial and would both die if they continue on their path:

“We’re concerned that if one of them dies, the other will die. They’re a very close couple and if one dies through substance abuse, the other will commit suicide.”

So if this boycott doesn’t work, Amy and her husband will kill themselves. Interesting. Perhaps a bit over-dramatic, but it’s got me thinking: How much would one million CDs cost? Just give me a ballpark figure. I’ve got $8.49 and a stick of gum in my pockets. You think that’ll cover it?

And for no reason, here’s Amy Winehouse vacationing in the Caribbean over the weekend with her husband. Apparently beating each other up only makes their love stronger.

Despite recent reports that Cameron Diaz was getting close with Rumplestilskin John Mayer, E! Online’s Watch with Kristin says that Cameron is now dating Bradley Cooper:

Sources close to Bradley and Cameron Diaz tell me that the two have been dating the past couple weeks. Pretty adorable, no? Bradley’s rep insists that it is “not true” that the two are dating. However, insiders tell me that Cameron and Bradley have been busy sending flirty text messages to each other throughout the day and spending quite a bit of time together. This news comes on the heels of rumors in recent months regarding Cam’s post-Justin love life, including rumblings that she was romantically tied to Criss Angel, David de Rothschild and John Mayer.

From here on out, everyday you wake up, just assume that Cameron Diaz is dating a new person. How does she do it? Alcohol. Gallons upon gallons of alcohol. She funnels it into these poor bastards until they find her somewhat do-able. Of course this doesn’t always work because her face could sober up a wino. I saw it happen once. The guy owns a Starbucks now. He may suffer from incurable night terrors, but at least he’s off the streets.

Ever seen a former UFC champion tongue kiss a duck? You have now. Well, assuming your eyes made it out of this alive. I’m pretty sure mine are just for show now.

Madonna and husband Guy Ritchie’s efforts to adopt a Malawi boy are finally moving ahead despite a setback earlier this month. A social worker from the African country will travel to the U.S. to assess the family, even though the trip had previously been denied by their government. People Magazine reports:

“There has been a change of mind by my government minister,” Penstone Kilembe, the director of Malawi’s Child Welfare Services, said. “I am expected to spend two weeks.” Previously Kilembe had been refused an exit visa to make the trip, and had warned that this might jeopardize the Ritchies’ efforts to adopt David.

Sounds like a happy ending for this family. It’s nice to see a young boy taken into a good home and offered a chance at a better life. I’m just wondering who this Madonna person they keep talking about is. Is she somebody’s famous grandma or something? Because I’m drawing a blank here.