The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is convinced that Britney Spears’ Yorkie received proper care for its broken leg. People Magazine reports:

The group’s Los Angeles branch “has received written confirmation from a veterinarian that Britney Spears’s dog London has received proper medical attention for a leg injury.” Questions were raised about the Yorkie’s condition on Friday, when SPCA president Madeline Bernstein confirmed to PEOPLE that officers attempted to contact the pop singer after receiving complaints that London was in a cast or had broken its leg and had not received proper care. “Over the past day or two we started receiving phone calls and e-mails from people that were concerned about the dogs” in Spears’s care, Bernstein said.

Phew! Thank God. She’s only abusing the kids. Because, for a minute there, I thought, “Wow, she is really out of control.” But now, everything is okay. I can sleep soundly at night. Small animals are not in danger. Just human children. Glad that’s cleared up.

At the Teen Choice Awards, Jessica Alba let viewers know she’s still salty about an incident with a schoolyard crush. During her acceptance speech for the female hottie award (a staple of any good awards show) she told the audience:

“I would like to dedicate this award to a young man who has been on my mind for the last 19 years: Ross. Ross didn’t love me. I was pigeon-toed, I had a sway back, I was slightly cross-eyed, buck-toothed, I sucked my thumb. Look at me now, Ross! Look at me now! [Ross] promised that if I kissed him he would choose me for baseball … I was still chosen last. I never trusted men again.”

Whoever this Ross character is, I guarantee he’s sitting at home contemplating putting his nuts in a blender. He’ll weep and curse his childhood naivety - as he very well should. Right now he could be using Jessica’s luscious ass for a decorative end-table. But, no, Ross had to be a moron-sandwich and pick some other kid for his baseball team. Awesome. Thanks. Your sad little tale has made my genitals cry.

Things are not looking good for Britney Spears. Larry Rudolph, Britney’s ex-manager, spoke to Ryan Seacrest this morning and said he does not want to testify in the custody hearing for fear of what he might reveal. People reports:

“He said he’s doing his best to hide from Kevin’s process server,” Ryan Seacrest, who was in contact with Rudolph over the weekend, said Monday on his KIIS-FM radio show. “He’s actually on the run. They are trying to track him down and serve him with a subpoena and they want him to appear and testify in the custody battle.” Rudolph, who was relieved of his managerial duties by Spears earlier this year, “doesn’t want to be served because he said it won’t be good for Britney,” said Seacrest. “After all they have been through he is still loyal to her, and he doesn’t want to have to go under oath and talk about certain things that might hurt her.” Regarding his whereabouts, Rudolph would only reveal is that he is with his children. Furthermore, said Seacrest, the former manager wants it publicly known that he is avoiding being served the subpoena.

Pile this on top of the child abuse investigation and it definitely looks like Kevin Federline will win custody of the children. Not that there was any doubt. Any rational person with an IQ above, I dunno, five, had this figured out. I ran into a two-year-old the other day who looked at me and said, “Britney bad mommy.” Then the kid ate a pebble.

Britney Spears is under investigation for possible child abuse. According to TMZ:

An unscheduled hearing was held today at L.A. County Superior Court. Present — Britney’s lawyer, Dennis Wasser, K-Fed’s attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan and a lawyer from the Los Angeles County Counsel who is assigned to the dependency court. We do not know the specifics of the allegations but we’re told the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services is conducting an active investigation. A hearing in the custody case has been scheduled for September 4, which will be a follow up to today’s appearance.

Sadly, this had to be the easiest case to put together. All investigators had to do is follow her to McDonald’s and watch her set the kids under the French fry lamp. She usually returns to get them after a couple of days. It’s kind of cute actually. They help make the milkshakes, and fall asleep in the lap of the Ronald McDonald statue. Yeah, they might get burnt by grease every now and then, but goddamn if they aren’t safe for once. Poor little scamps.

Kid Rock, seen here with his crack hanging out, spent the weekend partying with Paris Hilton. Had I been in town, I would’ve thrown a grenade at them. People might call that a bit drastic, but I’m not about to live in a world where the super-herpes these two would create ran free. Call me old-fashioned, but I like my penis how it is. You know, non-melted.

Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Bollea and a friend were both in serious condition after a high-speed crash Sunday evening. People reports:

Bollea, who was featured with the rest of his family on the pro wrestler’s VH1 reality show Hogan Knows Best, was driving his yellow Toyota Supra down a four-lane highway in downtown Clearwater, Fla., when the car’s rear tires hit the raised median, police said. After fishtailing for several seconds, the car slammed into a 25-foot tall palm tree. “His car inexplicably left the road,” Clearwater Police spokesman Wayne Shelor tells PEOPLE, “and it was totally destroyed upon impact.” The cause of the crash is unknown, although police believe the car was traveling at a high rate of speed. “We don’t know exactly what happened,” says Shelor, “but we are investigating.” Bollea, 17, and his male passenger had to be extracted from the vehicle using the “jaws of life.” They were placed on a Medivac helicopter where they were flown seven minutes to nearby Bayfront Medical Center in St. Petersburg.

TMZ has a follow-up stating that Hogan was immediately at the scene of his son’s crash:

A frantic Hulk Hogan got right to the scene of his son’s extremely serious car crash last night, just moments after it happened. WFTV Orlando shot footage of the wrestler — clad in his usual tank top and bandana — talking with paramedics before his son Nick and his as yet unidentified passenger were airlifted to a nearby hospital.

TMZ also reports that Nick was discharged this morning, which is awesome news and let’s hope his friend pulls through too. Now if only they’ll tell the real story, that it was the Hulkster that got them out and not the jaws of life. Because, seriously, if you watch the show, Hulk is definitely the kind of dad that would wrestle a submarine for his kids. And he’d win too. Using only his moustache.

Owen Wilson was taken to St. John’s hospital in Santa Monica, California Sunday afternoon and the National Enquirer is claiming it was a suicide attempt. They say that he sliced his left wrist and took an overdose of pills. He was transferred from St. John’s after being stabilized to be detoxed and details are still coming out.

He was definitely hospitalized Sunday, but the National Enquirer is the only one saying it was suicide. Although for every story they write about Abraham Lincoln being a killer cyborg from the future they still manage to be right every now and then. And this one just feels right. Like the article they wrote about me breaking the world bench pressing record and then spending my free time rescuing puppies from fires. That’s just good journalism.

Wonder what Jenny McCarthy’s been up to? Of course not. But here she is anyway, vacationing in Hawaii with her boyfriend Jim Carrey. She looks pretty good for a 34-year-old, but that isn’t saying much since she’s, well, only 34. Plus she was Playboy’s 1994 Playmate of the Year. If you told me this was Rosie O’Donnell then yeah, wow, amazing. But this is like showing me a picture of myself and saying, “Dreamy.” I know. Duh.

I took a survey of the leading causes that make grown men cry, and Jessica Alba’s ass came in at number one, right above a lemon being squeezed into your eye. I don’t even know why anymore. I mean she’s hot, but she’s not that hot. For some reason the idea of Jessica Alba has become infinitely hotter than Jessica Alba herself. She’s like a legend now, and tales of her hotness have surpassed her actual hotness. When they talk about her in the future it won’t even be her anymore. It’ll be tales of dragons and princesses and they’ll have to whisper her name, and every time somebody says it the entire room will go “Oooh” and “Ahhh.”

Michael Vick has agreed to plead guilty to a felony charge for his role in managing an illegal dogfighting ring, and will formally enter his guilty plea Monday. The Smoking Gun reports:

As part of a plea deal, the Atlanta Falcons quarterback admitted that his Bad Newz Kennels operation wagered money–which he provided–in pit bull fights. However, “Vick did not gamble by placing side bets on any of the fights,” according to a “summary of the facts” that was filed today in court. That document, a copy of which you’ll find below, also notes that Vick “was aware” that three of his cohorts killed several dogs that performed poorly in test fighting sessions in mid-2002. The summary reports that “Vick did not kill any dogs at this time.” Earlier this year, Vick, and two cronies “agreed to the killing of approximately 6-8 dogs” that fared poorly in testing sessions at his Smithfield, Virginia property. Some of the animals were drowned or hanged, and Vick “stipulated” that the animals died via the “collected efforts” of himself, and codefendants Quanis Phillips and Purnell Peace. Both Phillips and Peace previously pleaded guilty to federal charges and stated that Vick participated in the execution of eight dogs last April. Vick faces a maximum of five years in prison for his conspiracy conviction.

To be fair, sometimes dogs can be really scary and the only thing to do is to kill them cruelly. One time I was walking down the street and a dog barked at me and I got really scared and I wished somebody as brave as Michael Vick was around to drown him. He’s a hero to stand up to those mean dogs!

Wonder what Jenny McCarthy’s been up to? Of course not. But here she is anyway, vacationing in Hawaii with her boyfriend Jim Carrey. She looks pretty good for a 34-year-old, but that isn’t saying much since she’s, well, only 34. Plus she was Playboy’s 1994 Playmate of the Year. If you told me this was Rosie O’Donnell then yeah, wow, amazing. But this is like showing me a picture of myself and saying, “Dreamy.” I know. Duh.

Amy Winehouse and her husband basically got into a fist fight last night which left them both bloodied and bruised. Apparently Amy’s husband walked in on her cutting herself and about to do drugs with a prostitute when he intervened. The Daily Mail reports:

At around 2.30am, said guests, the fight sounded like it had restarted - then Miss Winehouse was seen sprinting down the corridor to the lift, pursued by her badly bleeding husband. One guest who got into the lift to reception at the same time said they started shouting at each other. “Amy was in floods of tears. This guy was screaming at her. She was cowering in the corner and I thought he was going to hit her. When the lift door opened, she took off across the lobby at a real pace. He was chasing after her and was about five paces behind by the time she got to the main hotel entrance.”

The couple then dashed into the street. An eyewitness said: “Just after 3am, Amy came sprinting out and down the road. She was in a real state of panic. Blake was running after her, but couldn’t catch up.”

And like a good wife, Amy defends her husband, saying he was saving her life by beating her up:

“Blake is the best man in the world. We would never ever harm each other… I was cutting myself after he found me in our room about to do drugs with a call girl and rightly said I wasn’t good enough for him. I lost it and he saved my life.”

So not only did a 60 pound Amy Winehouse beat this guy up, she also outran him. Careful people, we may be dealing with the toughest man on the planet here. I hear he tames bears just by looking at them. Seriously though, this guy seems about as athletic as a grilled cheese sandwich. If you gave him a gun he’d almost be able to take on a girl scout.

Two burglars reportedly sneaked into Kirsten Dunst’s suite at the Soho Grand Hotel after she left to go film a scene for her new movie and stole her $13,000 handbag, wallets, cash, cameras, and an iPod. And how did these master thieves manage the crime of the century? They walked in through an open door. The Post reports:

Beinerman took a guest elevator to the floor below Dunst’s suite and then took a freight elevator up to the penthouse level.

There, Beinerman allegedly walked through an open door into the penthouse and stole items belonging to Dunst and her companions, including $2,500, a Marc Jacobs purse, wallets containing IDs and credit cards, several bags - including one by Balenciaga - two digital cameras, a cellphone and an iPod, records state.

It takes balls to rob Kirsten Dunst. Big tough manly balls. Most people would be afraid that she lives under a bridge and eats first born children. But not these two. And what if they timed it wrong and she was still in the room? This would’ve been an entirely different story, about two men who jumped to their deaths after gouging out their own eyes and screaming that they’d lost the use of their genitals.

These are pics of the latest teen heart-throb Zac Efron leaving a juice bar and getting into his Oldsmobile. I’m not a 15-year-old girl, so this kid is completely off my radar. That being said, I do have an advanced degree in straight-male behavior which Zac Efron has demonstrated not a single iota of. See how I used the word “iota” back there? That makes my statement so full of fact it just impregnated your dad.

Nicole Richie was to begin her four day sentence Thursday for a December 2006 DUI, but only spent a whopping 82 minutes in jail before being released. Reuters reports:

A spokeswoman for the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department said federal sentencing guidelines dealing with jail overcrowding allowed local officials to reduce the time for Richie and other inmates with similar charges. Richie, 25, was treated ‘in the same manner as other inmates with a similar sentence,’ Deputy Sheriff Maribel Rizo said, reading from a statement. Richie, the daughter of singer Lionel Richie and a co-star with Paris Hilton on reality TV series “The Simple Life,” surrendered to local authorities in the afternoon and was booked, processed and released about one hour and 20 minutes later, Rizo said. The deputy did not know whether Richie had actually spent any time in a jail cell.

I’m practically dizzy with the shining examples of celebrity justice these past couple of days. We are truly to the point where Britney Spears could eat both her children on national television while driving a stolen police cruiser and all she’d receive is a “time-out” from her mom. She’d still probaby get a goddamn juice box. I hope it’s one of those asinine, foil Capri-Suns. You know the kind where you can never get the straw in. That’ll teach her.

Lindsay Lohan has struck a deal by pleading no contest to two counts of DUI and will serve 10 days community service and one day in jail (the minimum sentence of four days was cut in half by the judge, and she was also credited one day for the time served when she was arrested). Lindsay also pleaded guilty to two counts of being under the influence of a controlled substance and pled no contest to reckless driving. The judge ordered Lindsay to serve 36 months probation and attend an alcohol education program for 18 months, as well as enroll in a drug program and “not to associate with people with controlled substances.” Lindsay issued the following statement:

“It is clear to me that my life has become completely unmanageable because I am addicted to alcohol and drugs.

Recently, I relapsed and did things for which I am ashamed. I broke the law, and today I took responsibility by pleading guilty to the charges in my case. No matter what I said when I was under the influence on the day I was arrested, I am not blaming anyone else for my conduct other than myself. I thank God I did not injure others. I easily could have.

I very much want to be healthy and gain control of my life and career and have asked for medical help in doing so. I am taking these steps to improve my life. Luckily, I am not alone in my daily struggle and I know that people like me have succeeded. Maybe with time it will become easier. I hope so.”

She sounds pretty serious about getting healthy, but one day in jail? For seven misdemeanors, including driving with a blood alcohol level almost double the legal limit and trying to run somebody down in her car? I waved at a police officer the wrong way once and got a worse sentence.

In case you haven’t already heard it, Ryan Seacrest played Britney Spears’ new single on his 102.7 KIISFM radio show this morning. And yeah, it’s bad. And I don’t mean, “Hey, it’s Britney Spears, let’s say her new song is bad even if it isn’t” bad. I mean, “Hey, this is really bad, how do you turn it off, and also shoot me in the face” bad. You can listen to the new single here and check out the lyrics here:

Everyday, I’m in a daze

Looking for that someone
And everyday, I sit and kneel and pray
Oh, sweet love, can I get some?
So why do you desert me, baby boy?
I need your love right now!
And if you desert me, baby boy
Don’t you leave me in your crowd
[Talking]
Hey baby, what time you gonna get home?
Oh, really?
[Sigh]
Alright, well, I’ll see you later, then
Oh, wait
Would you mind getting some…
Yeah, when you come home
Yeah, that’s it
I love you too
Bye
[Singing again]
Some day when you see my face
You will think that you have won
And some day when it’s all away
Our love just begun
So why did you desert me, baby boy?
I thought that you, you were the one
So if you preferred the other one
She won’t bring you the sun(son)

Did she really put a fake phone conversation in there? Why yes, yes she did. I can’t believe this is actually her big comeback song. After listening to it I was expecting Ashton Kutcher to jump out of my closet and tell me I got Punk’d.

While Lindsay Lohan may have ducked felony cocaine charges, she was charged today with seven misdemeanors, including two counts of driving under the influence and misdemeanor possession of coke. TMZ says:

Lohan, who was busted twice since Memorial Day weekend, was charged with two counts of driving under the influence. If convicted of both, she’d face a minimum of four days in jail. If a felony were filed, Lohan could have faced several years in state prison.

TMZ goes on to explain why Lindsay only received a misdemeanor drug charge:

In Lohan’s case, the fact that she was busted twice in a short period of time actually helped her. It shows someone is struggling with an addiction problem. The fact that each time she was busted, she immediately checked into a rehab facility also helped her case. Also, her age - 21 - and the fact that her upbringing was extremely unstable - also worked in her favor.

It really says a lot when the law enforcement community agrees that Dina Lohan’s parenting causes crime. Soon we’ll find out that police officers have the right to use deadly force if they spot her within 100 yards of a school. Of course legend has it she can only be killed when her youngest son Cody forgets her morning gin and tonic. That, my friends, is when we’ll strike. Then, and only then, will the fire-crotched lass truly be free.

Bill Murray was stopped by Swedish police yesterday for drunkenly driving his golf cart back to his hotel. Reuters reports:

Murray was brought to Norrmalm police station, in the north of the city, and given a blood test for alcohol after he refused to take a breath test, said station commander Jan-Olov Lundgren. The American had been stopped while driving the golf cart from Cafe Opera, an upscale restaurant in the center of town, back to his hotel.

A golf cart is one of two vehicles you should be allowed to drive drunk. The thing goes three feet a minute. If you hit somebody with one, they pretty much deserved it for having the reflexes of a tuna sandwich. What’s the other vehicle I think you should be allowed to drive drunk? A speeder-bike from Return of the Jedi. I can’t go into the details due to pending litigation, but it basically involves myself, an Ewok and a Mai-tai the size of a dishwasher.

Hayden Panettiere will be featured in an upcoming “Got Milk?” ad. People Magazine provided these details:

‘You don’t have to be a hero to feel invincible. That’s why I drink milk,’ she says in the ads, part of a campaign to get teens to drink three glasses of low-fat or fat-free milk a day. The ads, debuting Sept. 10, were shot in May by famed photographer Annie Leibovitz and show Panettiere in a sleek red dress holding an exploding glass of milk.

This picture represents everything that is good and pure in the world. I feel like a small child waking up and scampering down the stairs to see his presents for the first time on a snowy, Christmas morning. Except, now, the tree is in my pants.

Last weekend, Anne Hathaway reportedly had to wait 20 minutes outside Flavio Briatore’s Billionaire club in Sardinia before somebody finally recognized her and let her in. Page Six reports:

While Russian heiresses Anna and Angelina Anisimova sipped cocktails inside, spies said Hathaway and her real estate mogul boyfriend, Raffaello Follieri, stood outside, “waiting for someone to finally recognize her and let them in.”

I guess it’s sad nobody recognized her, but the real issue of the story remains: when did Anne Hathaway start dating her dad? And when did her dad become Jon Lovitz? I’m guessing it’s about the same time Anne turned into a ghost.

Even if you were hiding under a rock yesterday, you probably caught wind of this. But just in case, Bridget Moynahan announced the birth of her baby boy to Celebrity Baby Blog. The father is New England Patriot’s quarterback Tom Brady who ditched Bridget in December for a Victoria Secret’s model – right after he found out she was pregnant. You just don’t get more American than that: Star football player ditches actress after knocking her up then nails a lingerie model. If Tom Brady went to Washington D.C. right now, Lincoln’s statue would give him a high-five while jet fighters flew overhead. What a great day for America. Nothing could ruin this moment.

UPDATE: Tom Brady’s one-day-old son already hates football and wants to play the oboe.

Jenna Jameson has apparently decided to retire from making porn, and on August 1 she went to a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon and had her breast implants removed. Us Magazine has the interview:

On why she had her implants removed
“When I had implants, I felt uncomfortable. I would be shy at the beach. I know it sounds funny, but I’d wear high-necked clothes – unless I was at an adult-film convention. So I thought, Why don’t I be who I am and get my real ones back?”

On how removing the implants changed her
“Even for women with naturally large boobs, getting a reduction is so freeing. I feel like I can stand up straighter…before, when I jogged, I had to hold my boobs. I looked like I was molesting myself!”

On how she felt postsurgery
“Ecstatic. The first thing I did when I got home was open my bra. I wasn’t supposed to but I did. I was so happy, I cried. It was like looking into the mirror when I was 17.”

On whether she’s done with porn forever
“Yes. A hundred percent.”

On who will play her in a movie about her life
“I would love Scarlett Johansson to play me. I think Rachel McAdams is amazing, and Sienna Miller.”

Wow, look at that face. I can’t imagine why she would stop making porn. When I close my eyes to fantasize this is basically the only thing I ever picture. And, yeah, maybe I do wake up to the sounds of my own screaming, but that just means it’s working. What’s working, you ask? The sexy, uh, sex stuff. You wouldn’t understand. It’s a grownup thing.

NOTE: While getting her implants removed, I think Jenna Jameson turned to her plastic surgeon and asked him to make her look like a duck. And boy did he deliver. Greatest plastic surgeon of our generation, anybody?

Rapper Foxy Brown is being sent to jail today for violating her probation. People Magazine provided these details:

Last week, Brown surrendered to police on charges that she assaulted her Brooklyn neighbor with her BlackBerry device. Then, just one day after her surrender, police in Mahwah, N.J., pulled the rapper over after she was spotted talking on her cell phone while driving her 2007 Land Rover. Officers cited her for talking on the phone and failing to stop at a stop sign. In addition, Brown gave police officers a false birth date and a variation of her name. Forced to admit her real identity, police reportedly learned that the musician was driving with a suspended license. Her Land Rover’s registration also had been suspended.

In a Pulitzer-prize winning maneuver, People tried to give this cloud a silver lining:

Yet despite all of her legal troubles, Brown has made headlines of another sort: She apparently announced that she’s pregnant, the New York Post reports. According to the paper, the rapper was seen shopping at a New York City Bed, Bath & Beyond, where she said, “I’m getting married in September. I’m pregnant.”

I swear to God the mission statement for People has to read: “Give every story a fairy-tale ending or housewives will stop reading us.” They could report on global terrorism and the story would end with a princess kissing Osama Bin Laden in a cottage made of cupcakes. Of course, this probably isn’t the case, because housewives can’t read. But it’s fun to pretend, isn’t it?

Is coke still illegal? Pete Doherty also escaped drug charges yesterday, Reuters reports:

‘The case has been dropped on a legal technicality: no conviction has been recorded,’ prosecutor Anjulika Vatish told reporters outside West London Magistrates’ Court.
‘Mr Doherty was arrested on 20 August at 2:35 a.m. and so the court has no jurisdiction to deal with this matter any more,’ Vatish had earlier told the court.

Let me explain the legal conundrum here that will totally blow your mind: You can’t arrest Pete Doherty for cocaine because Pete Doherty is cocaine. He is a walking, talking pile of blow with a ridiculous hat and a record deal. Which makes sense because musicians love coke. Where did I read that? Oh yeah, the Bible.