I don’t know how, but this site seems to have turned into a tribute page to The Hills. Anyway, everybody’s favorite plastic surgery role model Heidi Montag was spotted frolicking on the beach yesterday wearing a pink bikini and carrying around a red life preserver. What an accomplished life. When she’s 60 and looking back on her life she’ll be able to say she inspired a nation of girls to get breast implants and run on the beach. Somebody should get started on her biography now. It’s such a moving story of determination and the human spirit. She makes that Rosa Parks character look like a total douche.

Heidi Montag showed up at the Us Weekly Hot Hollywood event and proudly displayed the issue in which she basically states that she’d rather die than have small breasts. Amazing. This would be like Britney Spears smiling and holding up the issue of Ok! Magazine that details her coke problem and shoddy parenting skills. Though, to be fair, I hear she does walk around with it and shows it to people. And by people I mean the guy at McDonald’s that makes the fries. He understands her.

Mariah Carey is extremely serious about her bathroom privacy. She had a few too many drinks at VH1’s Music Cares event and took her bodyguards to the bathroom. Here’s what happened, according to NY Daily News:

Two women already there say her security tried to evict them, but they refused to leave. Says one: “One of the bodyguards said to us, ‘If you’re going to stay, you better not watch Mariah pee.’”

Wait, wait, let’s repeat that one more time. “If you’re going to stay, you better not watch Mariah pee.” Hilarious! There’s no way I can follow a line like that. I’m packing this one in. Bam, sealed, run it. That bodyguard should do stand up. He would kill. Who wants to see Mariah Carey pee? No, actually, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know how many of you are out there. I like to think I’m unique.

Wow, Audrina Partridge is ambitious. First she’s filler, now she’s moved up to flashing her panties to the paparazzi. This is almost making me consider spelling her last name right. Almost. I’m going to wait this one out though. She should stop being famous in about ten minutes, and then I can go back to calling her “That girl from that show who’s not blonde.”

I’m not sure why Audrina Partridge is famous. People tell me she’s on The Hills so I assume she must be really good at talking on her cell phone. Well, today she gets to be filler. It’s a real honor, I know. Bask in it, Audrina. Oh, I almost forgot a trademark witty comment to make this experience complete. Here we go, so, hey, your last name is Partridge. Did you enjoy riding on the bus with David Cassidy? Ha, get it? Audrina Partridge. Partridge Family. They rode that bus. No? Nothing? Damn. Sorry, Audrina. Could you maybe acquire a drug problem or neglect your kids? You know, something hilarious.

EDIT: Turns out her last name is actually Patridge, not Partridge. Wow, she’s even more useless than I thought. I’m leaving her name misspelled in the post though, because, well, she’s Audrina Partridge. I could’ve spelled it “Pancake” for all anybody cares.

I almost let this one slip by. Almost. But it is The Daily Mail and they wouldn’t run it if it wasn’t true right? Tom Cruise fears that galactic ruler Xenu is planning a revenge attack against Earth, so he’s building a bunker to keep him and his family safe. The Daily Mail reports:

“Tom is planning to build a US$10 million bunker under his Telluride estate.”
“It’s a self-contained underground shelter with a high tech air purifying shelter.”
The facility is said to have enough room for ten people – including wife Katie Holmes, 17-month-old daughter Suri and his adopted children Isabella, 14, and Connor, 12.

I want to believe aliens are the reason Tom built a bunker, but it’s time to face reality: the bunker is for Katie Holmes. He probably feels bad about locking her in the closet so he’s upgrading her living conditions. But, hey, protecting her from Klaatu or whoever? Space aliens? That’s a good reason too.

Wes Anderson’s short film Hotel Chevalier was released on iTunes earlier this week for free, but since iTunes doesn’t work for everybody, now Google Video has the entire thing up also. The short stars Jason Schwartzman and Natalie Portman or, more specifically, Natalie Portman’s naked butt. So yeah, if that’s something you might be interested in you can watch the whole thing above. I’m not sure what other reason you’d possibly have for watching this thing. Maybe you don’t see enough people brushing their teeth or talking really slowly in your regular life.

Slightly NSFW because of, well, the whole naked butt thing.

Joey Fatone is reaching out to Britney Spears – in the creepiest way possible. While appearing on Extra, he had the following to say:

“I think she just needs some time, some time to really heal.”
He’s now inviting her to take refuge far away from Hollywood at his home in Orlando.
“Britney call me, come over to my house, come to Orlando, get way from it all,” he pleaded. “It’s a good thing to get out of L.A.”
Fatone admitted he hasn’t seen Britney in a while but added, “If you’re there, let me know. I’m here for you sweetheart.”

Listen, Joey, I understand that you were the fat guy in N’Sync and Justin Timberlake got all the tail. Including Britney’s when it was fashionable to do so. Now, not so much. Anyway, I have to admit, your plan, while desperate, is pretty clever. If you do get Britney to your house, there is a 110% chance she’ll get naked. I also hear she’s drinking a lot, so that’s good and will help her get over the whole fat thing. Whether that entails you being fat or Britney being self-conscious about her own weight is between you two and the Burger King drive-thru she’ll make you go through at least twice in one hour. Don’t forget to stop at Dairy Queen on the way back. Britney needs a Blizzard to get in the mood – ooh, and a milkshake!

Update: Apparently Joey Fatone is married and has kids. I had no idea people still do the whole mail-order bride thing. You learn something new everyday.

I’m not exactly sure who Kristin Bell is or what she’s done, but here she is wearing a bikini on the set of Heroes. Apparently her character has the ability to put on silly hats and pretend her hand is a gun. That’s a pretty neat power I guess. In a tough situation she could make a bank robber, I dunno, laugh to death.

Kate Hudson went out for a stroll in New York City yesterday, but it looks like she’s missing something. I can’t quite put my finger on it. It’s something I usually look for in a woman. Personality? No, that can’t be it. In fact I’m pretty sure I just made that word up. It’s almost like there should be two objects in her general chest vicinity. And, in an ideal world, those objects should almost suffocate Kate when she jogs. Man, what are those things called?

In case you were wondering how much Lindsay Lohan loves coke, she’ll stoop to hanging out with Steve-O to get it. And by get it, I mean steal it. Steve-O was on Howard Stern yesterday and told listeners about Lindsay’s heist. Page Six reports:

Lohan took what he called the “Boog Suge” from him after she forgot her wallet in his bathroom and came back to his place to get it. There’s even proof she was there – Lohan had to sign a release while at Steve-O’s house for a DVD he was filming at the time.

I just thought of a brilliant idea. CIA, listen up, you’ll want to hear to this: Somebody should tell Lindsay Lohan that Osama Bin Laden has a stray bag of blow hanging around – prime for the snatching. She’ll find him in five minutes flat. Bam! Terrorism solved. Whatever few Al Qaeda members are left, I’ll handle. When they come for Osama, I’ll simply flex and the sheer shockwave will send them careening into the cosmos. I really hope someone at the Pentagon is writing this down.

I don’t know where or when these were taken, but they feature Jennifer Love Hewitt topless with rocks on her back. And also Jennifer trying to put her leg over her head. Or something. I don’t know. The only thing I do know is that these might be the most important photographs of our generation. Well, except for that one I took of a doggie wearing a funny hat. That thing won like three Pulitzers.

Angelina Jolie attended a conference on global education at the Clinton Global Initiative Annual Meeting. I don’t even know what any of those words mean. I do know that Bill Clinton probably asked Angelina to provide some humanitarian relief – in his pants. That guy is smooth. But I’m smoother. I would’ve talked Angelina into removing the trade embargo between my man parts and her refugee camp. Get it? *nudge nudge* It’s political, see? Get it? Now that’s how you romance, Clinton. I hope you took notes.

Playboy has offered Pamela Anderson and Denise Richards $1 million to pose nude – together. I’ll pause for a moment and allow the rush of blood to return to your brain. The Sun has the details on the potential boob-sandwich:

“Neither Pam nor Denise has committed yet, but they’re seriously considering it.”
Pammi met Denise on the set of Blonde And Blonder last year, where they became friends.

Someone needs to give Hugh Hefner the Congressional Medal of Honor today. Like right now. Sure Pamela Anderson is looking a bit rough these days, but that’s why Jesus stepped down from the heavens and gave us Photoshop. He bestowed upon us a gift that makes older women with ridiculous breasts look smoking hot. And now Hugh Hefner is using that miraculous gift to put two smoking hot chicks together – with their boobs out. Why didn’t someone tell me church was so awesome?

Well this almost debunks my vampire theory. I say almost because Kirsten Dunst might have some sort of crazy sunblock that allows her to traverse among us mortals. But for what purpose? I guess she wanted us to remember how pale she is. Thanks for the reminder, Kirsten. Now please stop deflecting the sun into my eyes. I actually need them to look at women that don’t make me wonder how cruel God truly is. Ooh, a valet, I’m saved! Stab her in the heart!

Not sure if you guys remember this chick, but Lindsay Lohan’s rehab stint is just about over. Granted there’ve been rumors of her doing coke and having sex with guys in the bathroom while at the Cirque Lodge facility, close friends (that’s code for “publicist”) are saying she’s cleaned up and ready to come out. However Lindsay’s mom Dina Lohan is trying to deny Lindsay’s departure, according to the NY Daily News:

A pal tells the Daily News the tamed wild child could be out as early as this weekend but her mom, Dina Lohan, is trying to put the kibosh on that rumor.
“Access Hollywood” is reporting that show host and Dina Lohan pal Billy Bush e-mailed her asking if LiLo is indeed getting out of the Cirque Lodge rehab center in Sundance, Utah.
Mama Lohan replied: “Not true, staying in Utah.”

Lindsay really needs to get back to her career. I mean it’s going so well. Her latest movie “I Know Who Killed Me” pretty much went straight to video. That’s good, right? People get to watch it right away instead of going to the movies. How awesome is that? And her singing career is just poised to take off. Lindsay’s voice must be amazing from all those cigarettes. Nothing is more sexy then the sound of emphysema. So hot. Come on out, Lindsay, the world is your oyster!

Not much going on today, so here’s Natalie Portman out in New York being shy. I can’t even remember the last time she was on the site. I think it was back in the 1920′s. The site was black and white, and everytime a post went up there’d be a little kid on the corner with a funny hat yelling, “Extra! Extra! Read all about it!”

Heidi Montag confirmed that she had breast augmentation and rhinoplasty surgery in April. For those of you keeping score at home, Heidi got implants and a nose job. The reality star gave an exclusive interview to Us Magazine about the experience:

On why she had surgery:
“I’ve always been very insecure about my body. My whole life, I looked at my chest and was like, OK, they’re going to grow. This is my year! And it never happened. I was less than an A-cup. I wore pushup bras, which cut into my skin. If I was with a guy and there was a girl next to me with big boobs, I would be like, Oh, my God, he’s looking at her!”

On being teased about her appearance:
People would say, “You have such a big nose!” And they’d make fun of me for being so flat, and say mean boy things, like, “If you nailed two nails in a board, they would be bigger than you are.” I was tormented. And when I was older, I’d want to be intimate, but I’d feel insecure. My boyfriends always had bigger chests than I did!”

On going under the knife:
“But surgery is a very big deal. Right before I went in, I was like, What if I don’t wake up? Oh, this is scary. Then I thought, I don’t care. If I don’t wake up, it’s worth it. I just wanted it so badly.”

Okay, no one ever told me The Hills taught people moral lessons. I’ll still never watch it, but it’s good to know positive messages are being sent to young girls. Either have great breasts or get elective surgery that you might not wake up from. I’m practically crying that such a pure, wholesome example is being set. Bless you, Heidi Montag. Bless your large fake breasts and skewed world view.

Note: If you completely missed the sarcasm above, it’s time to lay off the reefer and think about getting a job. No rush though. Make sure you click on a few ads first. You know what; on second thought forget what I said. Light up and enjoy some fine gossip. You earned it.

Victoria Beckham decided it’d be cool to dress like a Nazi as she flew from LA to Japan. Some say she’s basing her look on Tom Cruise’s new role as a Nazi colonel. Victoria and Tom’s wife Katie Holmes are close friends. So close, that Katie is coaching Posh Spice’s career that can’t seem to take off. A source close to Victoria spoke to the The Daily Mail:

“Katie Holmes had been helping her with scripts and perfecting her acting but even that has not helped the situation. Victoria had hoped to be picking and choosing presenting roles too. She had wanted perhaps to guest host on Larry King – in the way that Heather Mills did. But that has not worked out either. She had been hoping that the documentary about the Beckhams moving to America would be made into a series, but it was cut right back too. Victoria had also set her sights on getting the cover of American Vogue but that too has proved elusive. Basically she pinned her hopes on offers of work coming flooding in but that just has not happened.”

Victoria Beckham is making all the right moves. First she seeks advice from Katie Holmes whose career was quietly murdered in its sleep by Tom Cruise – right after he stole Katie’s looks. Then Victoria dresses like a Nazi in public. Smart, smart move. She’s on her way to being the hardest working woman in Hollywood. Posh’s publicist must be the best in the biz. Or a ham sandwich. I can’t decide.

Zac Efron helped launch Halo 3 at Universal Studios yesterday. Interesting choice. When I think of Halo, I think of crazy guns, ridiculous combat and ignoring your significant other. You know, guy stuff. When I think of Zac Efron, I think of ballet slippers, pixie dust and fruit smoothies. I also feel strange feelings – down there. I mean, I feel strange feelings because I’m hunting. Yes, hunting. I grow a beard and wrestle bears deep in the wilderness. Then I go to a bar where women dance naked on poles for dollar bills. Yes, I totally do all that stuff and did I mention I smoke cigars in my sleep? Just want to make sure I’m getting my point across.

Okay, for those of you who don’t know who Dita Von Teese is, she’s an American burlesque star who was married to Marilyn Manson briefly. If you needed that information to enjoy this ad, seek psychiatric help. As for me, I’m now totally into spaying and neutering. In fact, I went out and rounded up a pack of stray dogs just to show Dita how much I’m into animal birth control. So what do I do now? Make them watch a video or something. Whoa, wait, I cut off their what? I don’t care what the hot lady in the corset says, that’s just nuts – no pun intended.

Paris Hilton is traveling to Rwanda to help bring aid to the troubled country. (Yes, that sentence really just happened.) She will make the trip in November in an effort to help families and children in need. Paris talked exclusively to E! Online about her plans:

On what prompted her trip:
“There’s so much need in that area, and I feel like if I go, it will bring more attention to what people can do to help.”

On her increased interest in humanitarian causes:
“I want to visit more countries where poverty and children’s issues are a big concern. I know there’s a lot of good I can do just by getting involved and bringing attention to these issues.”

On keeping the planet safe:
She will also be working on her new Beverly Hills home to make it more “green friendly.”
“I just bought the house and haven’t been able to work on it yet,” Hilton said. “But I intend to.”

It’s nice to see Paris Hilton acting like a somewhat informed, caring individual. That being said, if she goes all Angelina Jolie and starts popping out kids, I’m fleeing the Earth. Some naysayers think strapping dynamite to my car won’t enable it to travel through space. I’ll be the judge of that when I’m flying past the moon and you’re battling Paris’ offspring. I heard that instead of blood, they have herpes flowing through their veins. I just wrote that on the internet, so now it’s a fact. Feel free to quote me in your scientific journal.

Kiefer Sutherland was arrested for suspicion of DUI last night. He was stopped for making an illegal U-turn and failed a breathalyzer test. This is the actor’s second DUI since 2004, and he could face jail time, according to TMZ:

In November, 2004, Kiefer was popped for driving with a .22 blood alcohol level, and plead no contest to drunk driving. He was placed on 5 years probation. That means if he’s convicted on this morning’s DUI, he will have violated his probation.
Now here’s where the news gets worse: Guess who the judge was in the 2004 case? That would be Judge Michael Sauer, the guy who threw the book at Paris Hilton for violating her probation.

Alright, Kiefer, buddy, it’s cool. I know how to keep you out of jail. You need to get knocked up. Yep, that’s right. You need to put a bun in that oven. I don’t want to know how, just make it happen. I guarantee you’ll be in prison for no more than 80 minutes. They won’t even lock the cell. So, get cracking, Jack Bauer. I’ve seen you disarm a bomb with your teeth. Defying the basic laws of nature should be a piece of cake. I should say a piece of lactating cake with severe mood swings, but you catch my drift.

Britney Spears stopped at a restaurant in LA so she could use the bathroom, which is something she does basically every other week. I’m pretty sure she’s the only celebrity person in the world who pulls over to use public restrooms. Like actually stops driving on her way home so she can use a toilet a hundred other people have already used that day. I’d say it’s because her bladder is the size of a peanut, but honestly I think that would be her brain. And maybe peanut is a bit too generous. What would you call the absence of a brain? An absence so powerful it dulls any brain that even gets near it. Because that’s what Britney has. In her head. Well that, or a large tomato and a note from God that says, “My bad.”

Mother of God, is it possible for someone to be less attractive? I don’t get how any man could find her the least bit arousing. Even if solid gold coins shot out of her ears during sex, there’s no way I’d go near Sarah Jessica Parker. Sure I’d be filthy rich, but my wang would never talk to me again. And it’s important for the two of us to maintain open lines of communication. I need to know when he’s got to pee, and he needs to know when I’m drunk. So he’s ready for some mystery spelunking. Will he be in a woman tonight or a bagel? Therein lies the mystery.