Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon’s recent behavior is fueling rumors of their alleged romance. The two were spotted getting cozy by the fireplace at a party at Carrie Fisher’s house. Carrie was toasting singer Rufus Wainwright who performed at the Hollywood Bowl over the weekend. E! Online reports:

“Jake and Reese were sitting by the fire all night, talking,” a fellow party guest tells me. “Everyone was talking, laughing and celebrating Rufus, but they were deep, deep in conversation. It was like there was no one else in the world.”

So, this is some really boring news. I’m almost in a coma, it’s that dull. Time to switch things up a bit: How about that Halo 3? I stayed up late playing it last night, and, according to the police officer who drove me home this morning, I may have been a tad bit intoxicated. He told me not to worry. The monkey will pull through and those nuns needed to be taken down a peg or two. That’s all well and good, but here’s my dilemma: It looks like I vomited directly into the Xbox. I pretty much opened up the CD tray and unleashed the fury. Is that covered by the warranty?

NOTE: If you wanted me to keep talking about Jake and Reese, you must be suffering from insomnia. Try taking some Tylenol PM – with whiskey. Just like mom used to make.

Here are some more pregnant bikini shots of Nicole Richie in Hawaii with Joel Madden. If you can’t figure out who’s who, Joel Madden is the asshole who’s standing there watching his pregnant girlfriend do all the work and Nicole Richie is, well, the pregnant girlfriend doing all the work. Oh, but don’t feel sorry for her. Joel’s got the hard job. He has to stand there and hold earphones and occasionally shift his weight. If he doesn’t do it then who will? I guess they could hire a guy. But for a job this important you usually can’t trust outside help.

Somebody took some pictures of Vanessa Hudgens with her clothes on. Why someone would do that, I dunno. I guess Vanessa wanted to see what it would be like to try wearing intricately attached pieces of fabric over her body like everyone else. Feels kind of strange, doesn’t it, Vanessa? Feel free to remedy the situation at anytime. Had I been there, she’d be totally nude. Little known fact: my mere presence causes women’s clothes to disappear. Don’t believe me? All you female readers out there, take a look down – Oh! No clothes, huh? Yep, it’s a talent. Some say I’m a living national treasure – like Paul Bunyan, but a bit manlier. Also, I’m not big into giant oxen. I’m more into naked chicks. Call me old-fashioned, I guess.

Paris Hilton is banned from attending this year’s Oktoberfest in Munich, Germany. Many felt Paris’ presence last year “cheapened” the event. E! Online reports:

Munich locals complained that their annual bender was “selling out” by having celebs shill during the big swill.
But probably the key reason for banning Paris was that last year she was pimping her own brand of canned wine. For Bavarian beer snobs, canned beer is blasphemy, canned wine an abomination.

So Paris Hilton cheapens an event where people get sloppy drunk. Makes absolute perfect sense. When they’re planning the next Wife Beaters & Bourbon-Whiskey convention, Paris Hilton will probably not be allowed there either. Don’t worry they’ll have cheap, out-of-shape strippers and cock-fights, but no Paris. No way. These gentlemen have high standards and deserve a classy evening.

Lord knows why, but Nicole Richie spent the weekend in Hawaii showing off her pregnant body in a bikini. Which might actually have been hot if she didn’t look like Gollum and if pregnant women weren’t gross. There are a lot of things pregnant women are capable of doing (like cooking breakfast or, say, my laundry) but wearing bikinis isn’t one of them. I’d encourage a pregnant woman to take up professional kickboxing before asking her to wear a bikini. And I’m a doctor, so I know what I’m talking about. See this clipboard and white coat? That means I’m right. Now drink your milk and do some, I dunno, jumping jacks. Stat.

Tony Barretto a bodyguard briefly employed by Britney Spears after her stint in rehab filed a declaration with the judge handling her custody case. Based on this information, the judge has ordered Britney to take randomized drug tests and parenting classes to maintain custody of her kids. Tony reveals what he told the judge about Britney’s drug use, parenting and erratic behavior in an exclusive interview with News of the World:

On her overdose with Howie Day:
“On the surface of the dresser, I could see mounds of white powder and a straw on top. I suspected it was cocaine or powdered methamphetamines. By the side I spotted a glass pipe, which I knew from my drugs training was often used with crystal meth.”
The drug has similar effects to amphetamine and ecstasy. Overdosing can cause heart failure.
Tony went on: “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Britney was completely out of it. We thought she’d overdosed. She was distraught, crying. Her skin was all waxy. She looked so ill. We tried to speak to her. My fellow bodyguard and Alli were so worried they wanted to get hold of a medic to detoxify her. We were panicking. We thought she was going to die.
“There was talk about where to put the detox line it was that serious—through her arm, which would make fans think she’d been injecting, or through her neck.”

On her parenting skills:
He also told how she kept Jayden James and Sean Preston up late so they would sleep through the mornings and not wake her. If they woke early, a member of staff dealt with them.
Tony said: “Britney does love her kids but she is a fickle mum. When the kids are happy, she’s happy. When they’re crying or unwell, she’s not sure what to do. She speaks to them in weird, creepy, baby voices, in made-up languages, which they just don’t get. All it does is unsettle, upset and scare them. Often she would scream and cry uncontrollably. Imagine what that is like for young children.”

On the constant nudity:
“It’s the strangest thing, she likes to expose herself. I think part of it is she likes to embarrass people and make them feel uneasy. Before I even started working for her, I was warned about her stripping. I must have seen her naked dozens of times and each time I’ve been extremely embarrassed. She strips off anywhere—at home, recording studios and clubs. Even at the dance rehearsals, she took all her clothes off in front of me and then bent over, not even to pick anything up. I felt my ears burning and turned my head to the wall.”

If you’ve got some free time, scope out the full story and the myriad of links. It’s pretty much everything you imagined about Britney Spears and so much more. Also there’s a weird subplot about the bodyguards arming themselves when Howie Day is around. I want to say I’m making that up, but seriously, it’s true. I had no idea he was that dangerous. Howie Day seems like the type of guy that would crumble if you stepped on a daisy. Have you heard his music? I’m not saying Howie’s a pansy; I’m just saying I’ve seen premature infants that could kick his ass.

Hayden Panettiere is dating her Heroes co-star Milo Ventimiglia, according to Ok! Magazine:

For weeks now, handsome Heroes co-stars Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia (now known collectively as “HayLo”), have been sparking rumors of a relationship, with reports of her split from long-time beau Stephen Colletti and the pair’s closeness at various events. One friend of Milo has revealed to OK! that “they’re definitely dating.”

I heard that Milo Ventimiglia is unable to satisfy a woman in bed and randomly kicks puppies. It’s true. I’ve got documents to back it up. Some might say these “documents” are tear-stained napkins with the words “Hayden is mine” written in red crayon. I say, how the hell did you get in my safe-deposit box? I mean, you’re a liar. Seriously, these are official documents and not a handful of napkins from Arby’s.

UPDATE: Milo Ventimiglia has syphilis and shot a nun. I love you, Hayden!

While Britney Spears completely unravels in front of the world, her little sister Jamie Lynn Spears walked around looking fantastic at Teen Vogue’s Young Hollywood event. She’s practically the greatest thing since sliced bread. Wait, that saying makes no sense. I can’t stick my penis in sliced bread. Or can I? (Note to self: Buy more bread. Prepare for sexy time. Also, you’re running low on tanning oil. Must keep massive chest glistening 24/7 unless you want to spend small fortune on Wonderbread.)

A few weeks ago O.J. Simpson’s girlfriend cheated on him with a handyman. O.J. confronted the guy and threatened to kill him. Now why does this sound familiar? The New York Post reports:

With his gal pal, Nicole look-alike Christie Prody, next to him, Simpson peeled his Lexus sedan into the driveway in the late evening as Marlene Gonzalez was parking her brawny hubby’s pickup truck.
Simpson made a beeline for her, shouting, “I need to f- – -ing talk to you,” Marlene Gonzalez said.
He told her that her husband had sex with Prody earlier that day, she said.
“I told him he had to solve that problem with his girlfriend,” she said.
Janos Gonzalez, who had been inside, emerged and told Simpson to leave.
But Simpson told the lantern-jawed lothario: “Come over here. I’m going to f- – -ing kill you,” Marlene Gonzalez said.
Simpson then placed his hand behind him as if drawing a gun, she said.

Okay, stop for a minute. If you’ve had sex with O.J. Simpson’s girlfriend and he shows up at your house threatening to kill you, it’s a safe bet that HE F—ING WILL! How stupid do you get? Who does this guy think he is coming out of the house? I didn’t know Superman’s real name was Janos Gonzalez. Apparently I’ve been misinformed, because Janos here is going to demonstrate how bullets bounce off his chest.

NOTE: When did the Post start writing like a harlequin novel? “Brawny hubby?” “Lantern-jawed lothario?” This isn’t even Page Six, this is their actual news. I tried to read about the presidential candidates, but I got confused when the stable-hand started churning the lady-of-the-house’s butter while the baron was out to market.

Salma Hayek gave birth to a baby girl on Saturday. The little one’s name is Valentina Paloma Pinault. While no pictures of the child are available, I’m going to assume she looks like the Incredible Hulk. But at least five times bigger. Don’t agree with me? Take one look at Salma’s prenatal stomach and, if you can’t feasibly see a comic book character the size of a bus gestating in there, you’re legally blind. Honestly, how are you even reading this? Oh, the site comes in Braille. Well then, you’re welcome, blindy.

Britney Spears has been charged with two misdemeanors including a hit-and-run for the incident back in August when she pulled into a parking space and hit a car, and for driving without a valid license. If convicted on both charges, she faces up to a year in jail. A City Attorney’s spokesman says:

“According to the DMV, Ms. Spears was never issued a California license – ever.”

Sweet mother of Jebus, Britney Spears doesn’t even have a driver’s license? How is that even possible? I mean, I’m not surprised, but how did it take the authorities this long to figure it out? You’d think they would’ve cracked the case when she was caught driving with her baby on her lap, or when she had her baby seat strapped in the wrong way, or basically every time she has ever been behind the wheel ever. I could blindfold a monkey, punch it in the head, and throw it in a car and it’d end up driving better than Britney Spears. Probably take better care of her children too.

Jessica Simpson was spotted jogging around yesterday on the set of Major Movie Star. Not, like, for fun; she was filming a jogging scene. Though whatever she’s doing it seems to be working. I hear they asked Britney Spears to jog around for her new music video but she just rolled around on her belly and asked for more pudding. Then she wheezed “That’s a wrap, guys,” and ordered a pizza. Because nothing washes down pudding like eating an entire pizza. That’s a scientific fact.

Brad Pitt currently stars in “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.” I guess there’s no real need to see that movie after that title. Thank you for saving me $10 and two hours of my precious time, movie-title-making guy. While at the premiere, Brad seemed to be totally enthused to talk about the experience, according to the Daily Intelligencer:

When a perky MTV producer threw him the standard softball, “What did you learn from doing this movie?” Pitt didn’t swing for it. “I didn’t learn shit, really,” he said.

Absolutely riveting. Brad Pitt you have mastered the art of the interview. I look forward to your next film, when you’ll tell reporters that the experience taught you how to “go f— yourself.” Don’t ever stop evolving as a master conversationalist, sir. You’re so close to the zenith of human communication.

NOTE: For the record, I hate MTV and wish Brad Pitt would’ve broke the producer’s face with his super-human abs. Did you ever see Fight Club? Brad could stop a Mack truck with those puppies. As for me, well, I don’t like to brag, but I’ve been known to squash a tank like a tin can with mine. It’s something I do to pass the time, and to let the government know I’m not paying those back taxes so they should just give up already.

Kim Kardashian recently did a photo shoot for Playboy. Us Magazine has just learned that Kim will be the December cover girl and the photos contain more than rumored. Check out the details:

A Playboy source tells Us that Kardashian’s shoot reveals more than originally planned. Though her body is mostly draped in sheets and jewelry, the source says that Kardashian “will show one boob, and her bare butt.” Kardashian’s 12-page pictorial “will be one of the longest spreads Hef has done in a long time.”

Longest spread Hugh Hefner has done. Kim Kardashian has gigantic ass. Must resist obvious joke… Temptation strong… Iron will kicking in. And we’re good. No, seriously, this is the greatest Christmas present I could ever get. Next year world peace could break out and the following year I could win a million dollars, but I’d just sit there, sipping my egg nog, saying “Remember that Christmas I saw Kim Kardashian’s bare ass? That was the best Christmas ever.” They should make a holiday special celebrating this event and show it to sick kids. Give them a reason to fight, dammit!

Britney Spears has been ordered by a judge to take parenting classes and abstain from alcohol 12 hours before seeing her children. Being the genius that she is, Britney’s been clubbing every night since the ruling. Star Magazine spoke with attorney John Schweitzer to get an outside opinion on Britney’s situation. Here’s what he had to say:

On ignoring the judge’s orders
“By going out like this she is really running the risk of losing custody of her kids. The judge is now going to watch very move she makes. The judge gets the newspaper like everyone else and he will take something like this into consideration until his final ruling is made.”

On the legal consequences Britney could face
“Some of the punishments could include holding her in contempt of court, which could result in a fine, imprisonment or both. Or, the judge gives more visitation rights to the other parent, in this case Kevin, or, he can take the children away if he feels Britney is not focusing on the best interest of the children.”

On what Britney should do to keep her kids
“If I were her lawyer I would tell her to lie low, stay in the house and spend time reading to her sons and doing arts and craft projects with them to enforce learning and bonding.”

Arts and crafts? Is this guy serious? He literally just suggested that Britney Spears use scissors, glue and possibly popsicle sticks around small children. Does he want her kids to lose an eye? Why stop there? He might as well suggest that Britney take them to a gun range. Although at least there, witnesses would be present. I also like to believe the employees would give Britney a candy gun. Not for safety purposes. They’re just tired of her getting teeth marks on the real guns. They really need a snack machine in there.

I could make up a reason to post these pictures of Kim Kardashian leaving the Maxim Style Awards, but we all know the only real reason to ever write about her is to put up pictures of her butt. And unless she turns into a 500 foot tall lizard and starts attacking Japan, I’m pretty sure it’s going to stay that way for the rest of her life. She could cure AIDS, and she’d still be known as ‘that chick whose butt once killed a sumo wrestler.’ I don’t even know what that means, but I’m leaving it up anyway. That’s how I roll.

Lauren Conrad almost didn’t return for the third season of “The Hills.” Apparently she was so fed up with her co-stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt that she thought about quitting. Then she remembered she loves that easy money. People reports:

“I actually came dangerously close to not doing season three, because I really didn’t want to do the show with Heidi and Spencer,” the reality TV star tells Seventeen magazine in its October issue. “I’m not who they are. I don’t stage my own publicity. I just kind of live my life and do my job, and I don’t want to be grouped with them.”

Lauren Conrad really does have it rough. I mean, she has to sip lattes and talk on her cell phone. She actually has to lift the latte to her lips and take a sip. And then more lifting, with the cell phone, again to her lips. Then she has to speak words into it. Not even coherent sentences, just random words. Ugh, so freaking hard. When kids working in sweatshops complain, the owners crack them with a whip and say, “Hey, be glad you’re not Lauren Conrad. She has to drink lattes – and talk!” The children can’t believe such a fate and quietly return to work.

Scarlett Johansson has been pulling some diva-like moves on the set of her new film “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Us! Magazine reports:

A source tells Us that on her first day, the star, 22, had a driver shuttle her the 100 yards to the set, while costar Drew Barrymore simply walked the distance. (Johansson also asked for three assistants to shield her with umbrellas.)

I’ve got a great “Scarlett is lazy” story. You’ll love this. This one time, she and I were supposed to go out on a date. But Scarlett sent her cousin instead and made up some excuse about Ryan Reynolds or something, I wasn’t paying attention on account of she’s a woman. But, how lazy is that? You can’t get off the couch so you send your crazy cousin who steals locks of dude’s hair in their sleep. Thanks for the warning. This luscious mane didn’t grow itself overnight. No, wait, yes it did. I forgot I drank that whole bottle of Rogaine – and then moved next to the power plant. Radiation makes me forget things.

NOTE: What in the hell is a “Scarlett Johansson?” Who’s superficial? That bottle of Evian in the corner? It should get over itself.

Sweet Christ, the mummy’s escaped! Don’t look into its eyes. Or giant breasts! They’re cursed too. Oh, hey, it’s just Pam Anderson. What’s that, her breasts are cursed too? I believe it. Look at all the dudes who have touched them: Scott Baio, Tommy Lee, Bret Michaels. All have at one time had shitty reality shows on VH1. That’s where once-cool people go to die. Or in Bret’s case, go to pretend they’re not bald and bang strippers. Hold on a second, no one told me Bret Michaels was the smartest man alive.

Alicia Silverstone got completely naked (and completely Photoshopped) for the latest ad from PETA. And I’m not sure how being naked and being a vegetarian are related, but it somehow just makes sense. In fact, all future ad campaigns should follow this example. Advertising a used car dealership? Naked woman. Canned soup? Naked woman. The brilliance of this idea is that it works for everything. I mean, really, what better way to advertise a new toaster oven than with a naked woman? By showing the actual toaster? Ha! I laugh at your ideas. Laugh I say!

Click the above image for the full sized version.

Okay, so a couple days ago, I might have suggested that Jennifer Aniston is a dude. I’d like to state for the record that I was drunk. But now I’m a different kind of drunk. Love-drunk. I would totally do things to her. Things that would make Jennifer Aniston so pregnant, she’d give birth to a small nation. Which Angelina Jolie would then adopt. That would be so hot. Oh man, imagine if Angelina gave all those kids ridiculous names. No, no, that’s just too hot. Don’t touch the screen! My words will burn you with their hotness.

Rose McGowan was being considered for a starring role in “Speed Racer,” but the studio felt her plastic surgery left her unrecognizable. NY Daily News reports:

McGowan, 34, has admitted to having plastic surgery for an eye injury related to a car accident. But casting skeptics suspect she has had much more done, and that it cost her the role.
“The studio felt like she was hard to recognize and worried that by the time the movie hit theaters, fans might not know who she was,” says our insider.

Rose wasn’t the only one passed over. Zac Efron was up for the title role, but wasn’t the right fit:

”During his auditions, Zac never connected to the romantic lead in the reading,” says our source. “By the second round, the casting crew didn’t feel he was believable as a leading man/hero.”

Hollywood executives are so stupid. I would totally believe Zac Efron as a sexually confused race-car driver. And who better to play his post-op tranny love-interest than Rose McGowan? Damn, that concept just sells itself. People are reading this post right now and dumping money onto their keyboards, screaming “Sold!” This is why I should be the head of a studio – besides the one in my basement where, I like to believe, I make more than what society calls “porn.” I make art. Art that’s generously seasoned with people doing it on my dryer. While my cat watches.

When Amy Winehouse takes the stage, you know you’re in for a top-notch show. Not only is her voice a treasure, but she presents herself with such poise and elegance. The Sun has the details of Amy’s exquisite performance at the MOBO’s:

She staggered up the stage steps looking the worse for wear as she went to collect her gong at the O2 arena. Then she took the microphone and appeared to spit before saying a brief thank-you. She followed that with a shoddy rendition of “Tears Dry On Their Own” – forgetting half the words. During the performance Amy twitched, pulled at her black-and-white dress and gripped the mic stand as she swayed precariously.

Amy even presents herself as a lady before taking the stage:

A source said: “In her dressing room she was really on edge, then flipped. She was screaming and chucking anything she could get her hands on at the people around her. She wasn’t in a good way.”

I’m faced with a conundrum here. Who would be more justified making the following statement: Amy Winehouse saying, “Hey, at least I’m not Britney Spears.” Or Britney Spears saying “Hey, at least I’m not Amy Winehouse.” I’m making a huge assumption that one is aware of the other. I’m also assuming that Britney doesn’t have a Quarter Ponder in her mouth, and Amy hasn’t inhaled a bathtub full of gin and sleeping pills. Yeah, I know, bold assumptions. But I’m a bold man who asks bold questions – boldly.

I was tempted to leave these pictures out of context and just let you think Jessica Simpson had turned into a homeless wino, but I figured you guys are way too smart and good looking to have fallen for that. Strong too. I’ve seen you at the gym. What do you bench, like 300 pounds? Nice.

NOTE: Oh, right, the pictures. They’re from the set of Major Movie Star which, judging from the pictures, will win at least three Academy Awards. Four, if they’re willing to give Jessica Simpson two for her acting.

Rose McGowan and director Robert Rodriquez are engaged. Page Six has the details:

Spies in L.A. report she’s been showing off a new diamond engagement ring from director Robert Rodriguez. McGowan met Rodriguez on the set of “Grindhouse” when he directed her as a peg-legged ex-stripper in his half of the double feature, “Planet Terror.” He was soon divorcing his wife.

That is hands-down the most awesome engagement story I’ve ever heard. Just imagine telling that to your kids: “Mom, how did you meet dad? Well, honey, he made a movie where I played a stripper with a machine-gun leg. Also, his wife at the time was the producer. So she pretty much paid your father to do me in a trailer off-set. Now run along and play, dear.” If that’s not true romance, I don’t know what is. I’m surprised Disney hasn’t made an animated movie about them.