A spy for Star magazine spotted Jessica Simpson and Owen Wilson out together over the weekend. The two met on the set of a Willie Nelson video a few weeks ago and seem to be hitting it off, according to NY Daily News:

The two dined Sunday at the Huntley Hotel in Santa Monica before retiring to his Malibu home.
“He couldn’t keep his hands off her,” a witness tells the mag.

Don’t you dare break his heart, Jessica. That man’s been through a lot. What he needs right now is someone to make him appreciate the good things in life. Why, yes, your breasts would be one of those good things. I mean, I wasn’t going to bring them up unless you did. Your dad does it all the time? Ha, that is funny. You are funny. Say, you want to get a drink? Oh, don’t worry about Owen. He’ll be fine. He does great with rejection.

Ashley Olsen and Lance Armstrong were spotted at the Rose Bar in New York Monday night. The two seemed to be really enjoying each other’s company, according to Page Six:

Our bar spy said, “They came together with a group of friends. Ashley drank red wine, sat on his lap and they were making out all night. They left together around 2 a.m.”

Lance, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. I know what it’s like to keep your body at peak physical shape. Like a well-tuned machine. You push yourself to the limit everyday. And sometimes you just need to relax. Whether that entails taking in a movie, drinking a fine glass of wine or having sex with an anorexic Muppet is your decision. In the meantime, since you bagged yourself an Olsen twin, the Sesame Street people keep calling. They want Kermit back.

When I came across these pictures of Slash in a bookstore I assumed he was there to drink his weight in Jack Daniels then shoot laser beams out of his guitar in the cooking section. Turns out he hit up Barnes & Noble yesterday to sign his book. Yup, that’s right. Slash wrote a book. I’m going to assume without reading it that it will be the greatest book of our generation. Sure it might not have an empowering tale of sisterhood or ruminations on life after death. But what it will have is strippers. By the hundreds. I’m pretty much going to throw away my copy of the Bible. Won’t be needing that anymore. Thanks, Slash!

Kiefer Sutherland never used to mind signing autographs and was a favorite among collectors. But after his arrest for DUI in September he’s not feeling the love, according to Page Six:

“He would always stand and sign for a half hour, but since his arrest, he’s been telling collectors, ‘I don’t do that anymore. You guys screwed me.’ ” Photos taken before the arrest, showing Sutherland looking tired and emotional, were quickly posted on the Internet. The shots could have been introduced as evidence in court.

Kiefer Sutherland truly was the best autograph signer. I remember one time he signed 50 autographs in under a minute. Yeah, he was blitzed on Jager, and he wasn’t really signing anything as much as punching people in the face. He even threw up on guy’s shoe after yelling “Jack Bauer is a pickle!” But you just don’t see very many stars connect with their fans like that anymore. He really was one of the greats. We’re gonna miss him.

Sienna Miller’s character seems to have a cold in her new movie Hippie Hippie Shake. She also doesn’t seem to wear a bra. Sienna must be playing some sort of inspiring female role model that other women can look up to. Wait, of course! She’s Susan B. Anthony. I should’ve known. The nipple was a dead giveaway.

Christina Aguilera has yet to publicly confirm her pregnancy. Of course, she doesn’t really need to when she’s constantly photographed with an increasingly large belly, and, oh yeah, shopping for cribs. All that aside, seriously, what is the deal with her husband Jordan Bratman? I don’t get the point of this guy. It’s like she brings him along just to help her into the car. I bet afterwards she makes him ride in the trunk. Because what could these two possibly talk about? She’s a high-powered musical talent and he can probably recite the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy - in Elvish.

Jive Records is officially giving up on trying to get Britney Spears to promote her new album. They’re not even planning a tour despite her single “Gimme More” topping the charts. The label realizes that Britney doesn’t care and is apparently becoming fed up with her antics. NY Daily News reports:

“They can’t get Britney to do anything!” said a source close to the label and Spears. “They did get her to do one photo-shoot for some promotional materials, but beyond that, they can’t trust her to even show up. This album could’ve been so much bigger with Britney involved. This is the one opportunity they have to try and sell a million records. They were forced to [go on with] their marketing plan.”

Britney may not even care about the money as her estimated worth this year is near $100 million. Her activities in the press seem to emphasize a detachment with reality:

But her bizarre behavior was evident as recently as Sunday, when our spy found her looking confused as she wandered around the locker room of the Four Seasons Hotel in L.A. — wearing just a bikini bottom. When another woman asked her where the hotel pool was, Brit replied, “Oh, is there a pool here?”

You see what I did there? I started the day off with a scary story because it’s Halloween. I mean, c’mon, how frightening is that? You could be walking around, minding your own business and then “Bam!” topless Britney Spears! Eeeek! But don’t worry. Just tell her you work for Jive and want to take some promotional photos. She’ll shriek and vanish into the night. Presumably to Taco Bell. It’s where the Britney feeds waiting for her next vict – Hey, did you just see that? Was that a nipple? *sniffs* Hot sauce? I didn’t have Mexican… Look! Behind the couch. A stretch mark! AHHH!!

UPDATE: On his radio show this morning Ryan Seacrest managed to get Britney Spears on the phone and you can tell why Jive is fed up. Take a listen and, during the first few minutes, it almost sounds like Britney doesn’t even know she released an album yesterday. She does however know that she loves fried chicken. I’m as shocked as you are.

Mila Kunis attended the Family Guy 100th Episode party in Los Angeles Monday night. As the voice of Meg on the show, Mila is sadly heard but never seen. Which goes against the tried and true maxim for women to do just the opposite. I’m willing to let it slide though. Family Guy is hilarious. I mean, did you see that episode with the random 80’s pop culture reference? You know which one I’m talking about. Where Peter has the non sequitur flashblack. I guess you had to be there. And stoned. And also a cook at Applebee’s, but not for long, because you’re totally going back to college and finishing that degree.

Commissioner Scott Gordon has just issued his written ruling regarding the Britney Spears/Kevin Federline custody battle. Kevin Federline will maintain custody of the children while Britney is only allowed three visits a week. Two from 12 to 7 PM and one overnight visit. A parenting coach is still required to be present. Britney is also required to provide evidence that her pool is child-proof. TMZ reports:

In the order, the Commish wrote that when Britney has the kids, “the environment at the house ranged from chaotic to almost somber with little communication at all.” The Commish also recounts what the parenting coach complained of — that “during all three of my visits, Ms. Spears rarely engaged with the children in either conversation or play.”

According to the report, the coach wrote, “It seems that [Britney's] choices are dependent more upon what she wants to do at any given time rather than what would be more enjoyable for the children.”

The coach also provided her final conclusion on Britney’s parenting:

“The problem is that unless Ms. Spears realizes the consequences of her behavior and the impact that it has [on] her children, nothing is going to be successful.”

Really? I thought the problem is that Britney Spears is a shitty mom who likes to show off her hoo-ha and drunkenly breast-feed her kids. But I guess we’ll go with what you said. About the consequences and stuff.

Brody Jenner is the unemployed 25-year-old son of Olympic athlete Bruce Jenner. He also occassionally pops up on MTV’s The Hills as a love interest for Lauren Conrad. While some of his co-stars have assistants, Brody has his mom, according to Page Six:

“Brody’s mom RSVP’s for him to parties,” said our source. “She called on his behalf for the L.A. Confidential Hypnotiq Halloween party Tuesday night.”

I would comment on Brody Jenner’s lameness, but, knowing what I know about The Hills, I’m 90% positive that he doesn’t even exist. In fact, I’m convinced the only person on The Hills that isn’t a fictional character is Heidi Montag. Not because she has giant boobs but, you know, because she has giant boobs.

NOTE: It’s scientifically impossible to talk about The Hills and not include pictures of Heidi Montag in a bikini. I hear there’s some people at NASA working on it, but as of yet no dice.

David Beckham is quashing rumors that Tom Cruise is trying to convert him to Scientology. The two have been close friends since David and his wife Victoria Beckham moved to Los Angeles where Tom and Katie threw a lavish party upon their arrival. The Daily Mail reports:

“We respect their religion. We respect everything they do and believe in.
“But they have never turned around to us and said, ‘You have to be a part of this’, because that’s not what they’re about. It’s never been about that. “There’s been nothing shoved down our throats because friends don’t do things like that.”

One thing these two friends do like is practical jokes. I heard the other day that David Beckham was taking a shower, and, when he picked up a bottle of shampoo, Tom Cruise was behind it giggling like a schoolgirl! The two shared a laugh until Victoria got in the shower. Then Tom started crying and threw a pot of gold at her before disappearing in a “poof” of pixie dust. True story.

During her mid-30’s, Madonna’s biological clock started ticking and she was desperate to have children. According to a new book released today “Madonna: Like an Icon”, she almost let the late rapper Tupac Shakur bust a kid up in there. NY Daily News reports:

The singer’s friend Alison Clarkson recalls when she was briefly dating Tupac Shakur, one year before his death.
“She was going out with him … but homegirls were saying to him, ‘I can’t believe you’re going out with a white girl,’” - so she got dumped!

Why does it have to be about race all the time? Maybe Tupac, being the forward thinker that he was, just liked vagina. Regardless of skin color. Did anyone think of that? I believe there’s a saying, “We’re all gray in the dark.” Except for the freaky pale Irish. They tend to glow.

Britney Spears decided to do the Halloween thing last night and dressed up like a busty pirate wench. Or so the caption of this photo told me. I just figured it was her normal outfit. She could wear a pirate hat and I wouldn’t even know it was a costume. I’d assume it was Britney’s way of saying she wants some Long John Silver’s. Or a thermos full of rum. I’m still learning the intricacies of her language. Now, if she only shows the right half of her vagina, that means Burger King, right? Or does her ass hanging out mean Burger King? I really should write this stuff down.

I threw in some shots of Britney sans the pirate get-up and Alli Sims getting pulled over early this morning after leaving the clubs. I know how much you guys love justice. But, trick or treat, they only got a warning! Halloween is fun.

UPDATE: According to ET Online, Britney was decked out in the pirate garb to attend a midnight release of her new album “Blackout” at the Virgin Mega Store in Hollywood. But, when Britney arrived, she couldn’t find a parking space, so she bailed and went clubbing with Alli Sims instead. Her publicist has to drink a lot.

Josh Duhamel plays a dad-to-be on NBC’s Las Vegas and apparently his work is getting to him, because Josh wants kids and can’t wait to knock up his longtime girlfriend Fergie. Ok! Magazine reports:

“I’ve got a lot of friends with kids. Two of my friends have three kids. They all have kids except for me—so I got to get on the horse!”

Josh said his experience on Las Vegas is getting him ready for the pregnancy process:

“I’ve never been through that and it’s sort of dawned on me as I go — wait, that probably would happen. Maybe she would take it as you not being sexually attracted to her when in fact, maybe you’re just worried that you’re going to hurt the baby.” Then he joked, “And you realize you can’t hurt the baby. You’ve just got to do it doggie style. NO!”

Josh Duhamel, ladies and gentleman. Sexual daredevil. Not only is he unafraid to have sex with Fergie, but he would also do a pregnant chick. I don’t know whether to shake his hand or punch him continually in the neck until he passes out. And from there, take him to a secluded cabin where I’ll teach him that, no, it is not cool for chicks to look like dudes. I don’t care what style of sex you have. I mean, what if she turns around? Then it’s all tears and confusion and questions about your sexual identity. Just like my prom night.

Britney Spears released her new album Blackout today. To drum up some press, because apparently there’s not enough, Jive sent out photos of a half-naked Britney sitting on the lap of a priest in a confession booth. The photos are also included in the liner notes for her new album. The Catholic Church wasn’t too thrilled about this “bottom of the barrel” stunt, according to NY Daily News:

“This is all the puzzle pieces coming together. This girl is crashing,” said Bill Donohue, president of the New York-based Catholic League. “She’s not even allowed to bring up her own kids because she’s not responsible enough. Now we see she can’t even entertain.”

Clearly Britney Spears’ publicist is ripping pages straight from the Madonna playbook. Unfortunately for them, Britney is pretty much stuck on pissing off Catholics and wearing Kabbalah bracelets. She’s barely allowed to have her own kids, so she can’t adopt one from Africa. Also the marrying Sean Penn thing is out too. Besides the fact that he has a wife, I heard that Sean Penn not only hates the Iraq war but also hates “fatty-fat fat-fat’s.” That’s a direct quote that I in no way made up.

I debated whether or not to look at these photos of Kim Kardashian’s Playboy shoot. I was kind of hoping to see them for the first time on Christmas morning. You know, the snow is falling outside. The tree is sparkling and lit up. The whole family is abuzz with holiday cheer. I’ll take a seat near the fireplace and open up to Kim Kardashian’s photos. “Look, Grandma, a nipple! Can you believe it?” As I sip from my mug I’ll call for the children because only their innocent eyes can tell me if Kim Kardashian’s ass truly is a portal to the magical world of Narnia. Sure their parents might call the police and Aunt Sarah’s Nativity scene gets broken in the scuffle. But, darn it, that’s what the holidays are all about. Family. Oh yeah, and also sweet, heavenly asses surrounded by white fur. That too.

The photos below are totally NSFW. Unless your boss is super cool, or perhaps he’s, I dunno, Jesus. Then click away.

EDIT: Sorry guys, had to take it down.

Ashley Olsen and Lance Armstrong were spotted at the Rose Bar in New York Monday night. The two seemed to be really enjoying each other’s company, according to Page Six:

Our bar spy said, “They came together with a group of friends. Ashley drank red wine, sat on his lap and they were making out all night. They left together around 2 a.m.”

Lance, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. I know what it’s like to keep your body at peak physical shape. Like a well-tuned machine. You push yourself to the limit everyday. And sometimes you just need to relax. Whether that entails taking in a movie, drinking a fine glass of wine or having sex with an anorexic Muppet is your decision. In the meantime, since you bagged yourself an Olsen twin, the Sesame Street people keep calling. They want Kermit back.

When I came across these pictures of Slash in a bookstore I assumed he was there to drink his weight in Jack Daniels then shoot laser beams out of his guitar in the cooking section. Turns out he hit up Barnes & Noble yesterday to sign his book. Yup, that’s right. Slash wrote a book. I’m going to assume without reading it that it will be the greatest book of our generation. Sure it might not have an empowering tale of sisterhood or ruminations on life after death. But what it will have is strippers. By the hundreds. I’m pretty much going to throw away my copy of the Bible. Won’t be needing that anymore. Thanks, Slash!

Kiefer Sutherland never used to mind signing autographs and was a favorite among collectors. But after his arrest for DUI in September he’s not feeling the love, according to Page Six:

“He would always stand and sign for a half hour, but since his arrest, he’s been telling collectors, ‘I don’t do that anymore. You guys screwed me.’ ” Photos taken before the arrest, showing Sutherland looking tired and emotional, were quickly posted on the Internet. The shots could have been introduced as evidence in court.

Kiefer Sutherland truly was the best autograph signer. I remember one time he signed 50 autographs in under a minute. Yeah, he was blitzed on Jager, and he wasn’t really signing anything as much as punching people in the face. He even threw up on guy’s shoe after yelling “Jack Bauer is a pickle!” But you just don’t see very many stars connect with their fans like that anymore. He really was one of the greats. We’re gonna miss him.

Sienna Miller’s character seems to have a cold in her new movie Hippie Hippie Shake. She also doesn’t seem to wear a bra. Sienna must be playing some sort of inspiring female role model that other women can look up to. Wait, of course! She’s Susan B. Anthony. I should’ve known. The nipple was a dead giveaway.

Christina Aguilera has yet to publicly confirm her pregnancy. Of course, she doesn’t really need to when she’s constantly photographed with an increasingly large belly, and, oh yeah, shopping for cribs. All that aside, seriously, what is the deal with her husband Jordan Bratman? I don’t get the point of this guy. It’s like she brings him along just to help her into the car. I bet afterwards she makes him ride in the trunk. Because what could these two possibly talk about? She’s a high-powered musical talent and he can probably recite the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy - in Elvish.

Jive Records is officially giving up on trying to get Britney Spears to promote her new album. They’re not even planning a tour despite her single “Gimme More” topping the charts. The label realizes that Britney doesn’t care and is apparently becoming fed up with her antics. NY Daily News reports:

“They can’t get Britney to do anything!” said a source close to the label and Spears. “They did get her to do one photo-shoot for some promotional materials, but beyond that, they can’t trust her to even show up. This album could’ve been so much bigger with Britney involved. This is the one opportunity they have to try and sell a million records. They were forced to [go on with] their marketing plan.”

Britney may not even care about the money as her estimated worth this year is near $100 million. Her activities in the press seem to emphasize a detachment with reality:

But her bizarre behavior was evident as recently as Sunday, when our spy found her looking confused as she wandered around the locker room of the Four Seasons Hotel in L.A. — wearing just a bikini bottom. When another woman asked her where the hotel pool was, Brit replied, “Oh, is there a pool here?”

You see what I did there? I started the day off with a scary story because it’s Halloween. I mean, c’mon, how frightening is that? You could be walking around, minding your own business and then “Bam!” topless Britney Spears! Eeeek! But don’t worry. Just tell her you work for Jive and want to take some promotional photos. She’ll shriek and vanish into the night. Presumably to Taco Bell. It’s where the Britney feeds waiting for her next vict – Hey, did you just see that? Was that a nipple? *sniffs* Hot sauce? I didn’t have Mexican… Look! Behind the couch. A stretch mark! AHHH!!

UPDATE: On his radio show this morning Ryan Seacrest managed to get Britney Spears on the phone and you can tell why Jive is fed up. Take a listen and, during the first few minutes, it almost sounds like Britney doesn’t even know she released an album yesterday. She does however know that she loves fried chicken. I’m as shocked as you are.

Mila Kunis attended the Family Guy 100th Episode party in Los Angeles Monday night. As the voice of Meg on the show, Mila is sadly heard but never seen. Which goes against the tried and true maxim for women to do just the opposite. I’m willing to let it slide though. Family Guy is hilarious. I mean, did you see that episode with the random 80’s pop culture reference? You know which one I’m talking about. Where Peter has the non sequitur flashblack. I guess you had to be there. And stoned. And also a cook at Applebee’s, but not for long, because you’re totally going back to college and finishing that degree.

Commissioner Scott Gordon has just issued his written ruling regarding the Britney Spears/Kevin Federline custody battle. Kevin Federline will maintain custody of the children while Britney is only allowed three visits a week. Two from 12 to 7 PM and one overnight visit. A parenting coach is still required to be present. Britney is also required to provide evidence that her pool is child-proof. TMZ reports:

In the order, the Commish wrote that when Britney has the kids, “the environment at the house ranged from chaotic to almost somber with little communication at all.” The Commish also recounts what the parenting coach complained of — that “during all three of my visits, Ms. Spears rarely engaged with the children in either conversation or play.”

According to the report, the coach wrote, “It seems that [Britney's] choices are dependent more upon what she wants to do at any given time rather than what would be more enjoyable for the children.”

The coach also provided her final conclusion on Britney’s parenting:

“The problem is that unless Ms. Spears realizes the consequences of her behavior and the impact that it has [on] her children, nothing is going to be successful.”

Really? I thought the problem is that Britney Spears is a shitty mom who likes to show off her hoo-ha and drunkenly breast-feed her kids. But I guess we’ll go with what you said. About the consequences and stuff.

Brody Jenner is the unemployed 25-year-old son of Olympic athlete Bruce Jenner. He also occassionally pops up on MTV’s The Hills as a love interest for Lauren Conrad. While some of his co-stars have assistants, Brody has his mom, according to Page Six:

“Brody’s mom RSVP’s for him to parties,” said our source. “She called on his behalf for the L.A. Confidential Hypnotiq Halloween party Tuesday night.”

I would comment on Brody Jenner’s lameness, but, knowing what I know about The Hills, I’m 90% positive that he doesn’t even exist. In fact, I’m convinced the only person on The Hills that isn’t a fictional character is Heidi Montag. Not because she has giant boobs but, you know, because she has giant boobs.

NOTE: It’s scientifically impossible to talk about The Hills and not include pictures of Heidi Montag in a bikini. I hear there’s some people at NASA working on it, but as of yet no dice.