Everyone have a blast tonight doing whatever it is you do to celebrate the New Year. (If it involves a donkey, call me.) In the meantime, I included these pictures of Paris Hilton to remind you all to practice safe sex. Tonight you might meet Mr. or Mrs. Right, but surprise, they’re full of VD. So wrap it up and be safe. Or, if you happen to hook up with Paris, not only wrap it up, but wear a HAZMAT suit and heavily consider hiring a stunt double.

Happy New Year, everybody! Catch you on Wednesday.

NOTE: In case you’re thinking I just used pictures from Paris’ night with Kevin Federline on Saturday, these are actually from last night. Sexy Paris never changed out of her outfit proving, once again, she is the classiest bitch alive.

Lindsay Lohan spent the weekend in Capri where she hooked up with three guys in less than 24 hours. Starting with the waiter pictured above here’s a rundown of Lindsay’s conquests as reported by the Daily Mail:

Dude #1 Alexandra Di Nunzio:
The pair exchanged phone numbers at a film showing which the actress attended with Heroes star and friend Hayden Panettiere, 18.
But she dumped her friend shortly afterwards to meet up with, and lock lips with, Di Nunzio.
The pair enjoyed a meal together before getting cosy on a hotel sofa together.

Dude #2 Eduardo Costas:
The older man looked like the cat who got the cream after his passionate embrace with the young star who recently reconciled with her father and is said to be leading a ‘healthy’ lifestyle.

Dude #3 Dario Faiella
The son of Italian music legend Peppino Di Capri shared a few intimate moments with the actress, who is also said to be dating the ex-love of troubled pop star Britney Spears — 28-year-old music producer JR Rotem.

It’s nice to see Lindsay Lohan is back to her true form. And by true form, I mean a bionic humping machine secretly created by the government.

Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline partied together in Vegas this weekend. Yeah, go ahead and absorb that for a minute. People says they spent the night together in Paris’ room. PageSix.com says they didn’t. I bet he did. I mean, how could Kevin resist Paris climbing over furniture like a drunken Spider-man? That’s just erotic. Could you imagine if he knocked her up? I did. It took the fire department five hours to talk me down off a ledge. Then they gave me a ride on the fire engine to a strip club. Okay, maybe I sort of jumped off the back when no one was looking.

Britney Spears kept things quiet this weekend and hit up the closing sale at the Virgin MegaStore in LA. Has she finally calmed down? Did she find true love with her pap in shining armor? Can we expect a quieter more subdued Britney this year? These questions and more I will completely forget about as I bring in the New Year by downing the world’s largest Jell-O shot. Anyone know where I can rent a cement mixer?

My original headline for this post was “Simon Cowell attacked by rogue Ethopian.” Then I did some investigative journalism (i.e. Wikipedia) and learned that it’s actually Simon’s fiancé British TV personality Teri Seymour. The couple are on vacation in Barbados for the holiday. I can understand why he keeps her around. She seems handy. Simon could always use Teri as a walking stick if he were on a long hike. Or, I dunno, maybe as a karate staff if he wanted to fight crime or play Ninja Turtles with Ryan Seacrest who always wants to be “Naked Shredder.”

George “Tailor Made” Weisgerber, the winner of VH1’s I Love New York 2, may love more than just his recent fiancé Tiffany “New York” Pollard. Tailor Made was seen making out and flirting with three different women at a company holiday party, according to spies for NY Daily News:

“He was a hot mess,” says the snitch. “He was dancing, and kissing a blond with curly hair, then holding hands with a girl with short straight brown hair.”
And when the third girl tried to help him up after he “fell on the floor of the bathroom,” he hit on her!

Can anyone blame the guy? If I were engaged to New York, I’d be hooking up with anything but her. There’d be paparazzi shots of me zapping my nads with a taser gun while screaming “This is so much better than sex with my fiancé!” Then I’d make out with a lit BBQ grill and cry tears of joy because, for once, I actually love where my face is.

Mischa Barton was picked up for DUI and narcotic possession early yesterday morning. Officers pulled Mischa over when her car straddled two lanes and she failed to use a turn signal. A source for the West Hollywood police provided TMZ with the details of her arrest and what Mischa had on her:

Mischa Barton blew a .12 on her breathalyzer test, admitted to smoking marijuana earlier that day (which cops found in her car) and had what cops say looked like prescription drugs in her car — in an unlabeled bottle.

That’s why I keep my prescription drugs in a clearly labeled bottle that reads “Fuck You Up Pillz.” I use the “z” instead of an “s” because I’m wack. And also because I took a handful of them while swimming in an above-ground pool full of bourbon. Or at least I was until my neighbor came home and started asking why I filled his pool with booze. He didn’t seem to believe me when I said “Jesus told me to.” But yet he said “Jesus thinks I should hit you with a shovel.” Which he did. God, what a hypocrite.

Jessica Simpson isn’t the box-office draw you’d expect a hot chick with a creamy stupid center to be. Her latest film Blonde Ambition was headed straight for DVD until the producers decided to show the film in Jessica’s home state of Texas. It not only bombed but set the stage for the rest of her film releases, according to Page Six:

The turkey took in just $1,322 on its opening weekend in eight Texas theaters. Jessica’s next picture, “Major Movie Star,” with Vivica A. Fox and Steve Guttenberg, is also heading straight to DVD.

I did the math on this one and it’s bad. Assuming movie tickets are $10, roughly 16 people saw this movie at each theater over a three day span. If this isn’t a giant sign that says “Jessica Simpson, it’s time for porn” then I don’t know what is. I mean, besides that billboard I built outside her bedroom window that says “Jessica Simpson, it’s time for porn.” Her dad was a big help though, so I can’t take all the credit.

Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael Lohan offers some of his recently acquired spiritual advice to the Spears family as they cope with Jamie Lynn’s teenage pregnancy. Michael knows what it’s like to get caught up in the “whirlwind” that comes from having celebrity children. Here’s what he told the Spears, as reported by Extra:

“Stand together,” he insisted. “Stand by each other and don’t let anyone come between you.”

Michael added, “Even if you have to get really like insanely close to your daughter’s unfathomably large breasts for her age, just keep standing by each other. Don’t let anything come between you. Especially pants: The devil’s most sinister form. I rebuke you, pants!”

NOTE: I added some pictures of Lindsay Lohan in black tights just for the hell of it.

Jessica Alba and Cash Warren hopped on the engagement bandwagon this week. Cash decided to make an honest woman out of Jessica who he met in 2004 on the set of Fantastic Four. It was recently announced that Cash put a baby up in that ass if I’m using the correct medical terminology which I’m 90% sure I am. The Associated Press reports:

“I can confirm that they are engaged,” Alba’s publicist, Brad Cafarelli, said in an e-mail to The Associated Press on Thursday.
The couple is expecting their first child in late spring or early summer, Cafarelli said.

I can’t believe all these young couples don’t realize that, Garth, marriage is a punishment for shoplifting in some countries. I also can’t believe I just blatantly ripped off Wayne’s World. If I start quoting Coneheads, I want you to give me my medication. And by medication, I mean hit me with your car.

Nicollette Sheridan enjoyed some more of her holiday vacation in St. Barts. She sported a new bikini then decided to do a little jogging ala Baywatch. They should really consider remaking that show and I nominate Nicollette for the role of Mitch. I know what you’re thinking: that’s a man’s role. But, if we’re to truly honor the artistry of David Hasselhoff, Mitch should be played by someone that has boobs both equally old yet awesome like the Hoff’s. Did I just say the Hoff’s breasts are awesome? You tell me.*

* Answer: Yes!

David Beckham has no problem being worshipped by women and guys. In fact, he welcomes it, according to Page Six:

“I’m very honored to have the tag of gay icon,” the LA Galaxy soccer star told BBC radio. In fact, the strapping athlete is so comfortable with his masculinity, he lets his wife dress him. “Without a doubt, Victoria has a huge part in the way I look these days.”

Somewhere Tom Cruise read this and did a jig on top of a pot of gold. He’s already forgotten about those pesky kids stealing his Lucky Charms.

Jamie Spears, father of Britney and Jamie Lynn, did not spend Christmas this year with his pregnant teenage daughter and ex-wife Lynne. He’s pissed that Lynne is profiting from Jamie Lynn’s pregnancy by selling photo rights to OK! Magazine for $1 million. Us Magazine reports:

“He doesn’t get a dime from his daughters,” the source says. “He busts his ass to take care of himself. That’s why he’s so furious with Lynne.”
Usmagazine.com reported last week, per a source close to the family, that Jamie “refused to take any money and ‘profit off of his children.’”

There’s not much profit of any kind to be made off Britney these days. She probably won’t even give you some of her Frappucino. I heard the last person who asked for a sip was found dead in a dumpster. The cops are pretty sure they can trace the pink wig hairs to Britney, but not until they modify their riot shields to deflect “cooch acid.” That’s a technical term used in the field. Seriously, I heard it on C.S.I. once.

Mischa Barton was arrested today for DUI, possession of narcotics and driving with a suspended license, according to TMZ:

The former “O.C.” star was pulled over early this morning around 2:45 AM as she was driving in West Hollywood, Calif., and is still in custody, being held on $10,000 bail.

That’s bad. But not as bad as these photos of Mischa Barton unveiling the new line of Keds sneakers. I had no idea her career was that far in the toilet. After looking at these, I’m pretty much convinced her agent is a ham sandwich.

Fergie and Josh Duhamel got engaged sometime over the Christmas weekend. Their reps won’t confirm the exact date, but they say the two are officially getting married. E! News reports:

The proposal comes after Fergie told Blender earlier this month that she was in no real rush to get engaged because she and Duhamel were “practically married, anyway.”
“I’m madly in love with him,” she said of her now fiancé. “He understands how to treat a woman and give me respect.”

It’s official: Josh Duhamel hates his penis. This makes the tattoo on my chest no longer a random sentence that mysteriously appeared after a night of malt liquor. I can proudly go shirtless to family gatherings. Who’s the loser now, dad?

Tiffany Pollard the star of VH1’s I Love New York is engaged to the season two winner George Weisgerber (a.k.a. Tailor Made). Tailor Made originally proposed to New York on the season finale, but she turned him down only to choose him as her true love in the final elimination. She decided after a second proposal to say “yes,” according to People:

Weisgerber, who was separated while taping the show and is currently finalizing his divorce, admits he “always had a crush” on Pollard, and thought it fate when casting for season two began. “She needs a guy who will treat her right and respects her and values her for who she is, he told PEOPLE recently. “Our personalities complete each other. I cherish her and want to cater to her every need. But I’m not a doormat. We have a good balance.”

Considering this gossip is based on a reality show, I question its entire validity. In fact, I’m convinced that New York is really a Muppet. You’d think they’d at least make her super-hot like Miss Piggy. God, I’d do things to that pig. If only that puppeteer’s arm wasn’t always in my way…

Paris Hilton’s grandfather Barron Hilton has promised 97% of his $2.3 billion wealth to charity which includes his net worth and various trusts. Barron wants to see his money used for good after his passing and not have it wasted on Paris. Reuters reports:

Jerry Oppenheimer, who profiled the Hilton family in his 2006 book “House of Hilton,” has said Barron Hilton is embarrassed by the behaviour of his socialite granddaughter Paris and believes it has sullied the family name.

If I was Barron Hilton and I really wanted to make the world a better place, I’d use my vast wealth to finance the construction of a time machine. I’d travel 27 years into the past and push Paris’ pregnant mother down a flight of stairs. (Don’t worry. I’d give her a helmet.) Afterwards, I’d probably go even further back in time and meet Jesus so he could give me a well-deserved high-five. Then we’d get wasted and hunt dinosaurs with lasers I stole from the future.

Nicollette Sheridan went to St. Barts for Christmas with her fiancé singer Michael Bolton. I’m tempted to hand Nicollette the coveted award for “Hottest Old Chick of 2007” right now because she is smoking. But I need to be objective and maintain my journalistic integrity. I still have to judge the swimsuit competition at the nursing home this weekend. There might be a looker in the bunch. Then I’ll court her with promises of shuffleboard and peanut brittle. It’s almost too easy…

The Hilton family spent Christmas in Hawaii and Nicky Hilton decided to spread some holiday cheer by wearing a bikini. I’m surprised at the shapeliness of Nicky’s ass compared to the frailness of her figure. I would’ve expected her butt to be entirely level or concave even. I also assumed the slightest of ocean currents would whisk her off deep into the Pacific dragging Paris with her but, sadly, it appears Santa didn’t get my letter this year.

Addiction expert Marty Brenner is claiming that Britney Spears is living in “a bubble of illusion” that “could end in suicide.” Her weekend exploits hooking up with a member of the paparazzi and wearing a shirt with no bra are both disturbing attempts to regain attention after Jamie Lynn announced her pregnany, Brenner tells The Sun:

“Britney appears to be crazy.

“She is disconnected from life. She’s losing it now, and she’s going to eventually lose it altogether if she doesn’t get the help she needs.

“She’s exhibiting bipolar signs and she’s clearly fighting depression.”

I think everyone needs to see the big picture here: At least Britney Spears is only flashing her nipples and publicly flaunting her rampant promiscuity. She could be trying to upstage Jamie Lynn by getting pregnant. I think that’s the worst case scenario and God, I hope I didn’t just jinx us all by making that statement. If another child comes out of Britney’s uterus, I’m going to drink myself into a stupor and, in sheer defiance of the laws of science, not yell “Woo!” before I pass out this time.

The Hilton family spent Christmas in Hawaii and Nicky Hilton decided to spread some holiday cheer by wearing a bikini. I’m surprised at the shapeliness of Nicky’s ass compared to the frailness of her figure. I would’ve expected her butt to be entirely level or concave even. I also assumed the slightest of ocean currents would whisk her off deep into the Pacific dragging Paris with her but, sadly, it appears Santa didn’t get my letter this year.

R&B singer Brandy has yet to be charged with vehicular manslaughter from her December 2006 crash that left a woman dead. Apparently, the delay is because authorities have evidence that conclude Brandy may not have been the one at fault. The California Highway Patrol shared some of this information with TMZ that puts the situation in a new light:

A CHP source tells TMZ the woman who died in the car accident involving Brandy actually struck the vehicle in front of her before Brandy made any contact. The law enforcement source says Awatef Aboudihaj, the woman who died, struck the car in front of her — which was going 65 mph, and then slammed on her brakes. We’re told the sudden stop caused Brandy to hit the dead woman’s car.

The woman also had traces of marijuana in her system, according to the LA County Coroner. The city has until Friday to file charges against Brandy before the statute of limitations runs out, but it will be next to impossible to prove negligence on Brandy’s part. Wow, way to dodge a legal bullet by actually being innocent. I usually just flee to Mexico. It gives me an excuse to get out of the house and really find myself (i.e. drink tequila out of a sombrero).

Britney Spears could face jail-time if she skips her scheduled court hearing next week. Britney will be deposed by Kevin Federline’s attorneys who were not thrilled when Britney claimed to be too ill to appear at a deposition hearing a few weeks ago. OK Magazine reports:

But considering the potentially dire consequences for Brit, she might want to think twice before oversleeping or calling in sick next week.
“She could go to jail for contempt of court if she refuses to show,” one legal eagle confirms to OK!.

Whatever happened to firing squads? I always thought those were an effective legal practice. If there’s anybody we should bring it back for, it’s Britney Spears. I took the liberty of drawing up a diagram of the awesome results my proposal would bring. It’s more a less a picture of Britney’s kids miraculously living to age ten, still possessing all their limbs and speaking a recognizable form of English. Oh, and if you look in the background, there’s the cure for AIDS.

Paris Hilton’s little brother Barron (left) supposedly spent the night in a hotel with his girlfriend Skye Peters, daughter of producer of Jon Peters and his ex-wife Christine. Both kids are only 16. Page Six reports:

On Friday, the two holed up in room 261 at the Bel Air Hotel and “something happened,” said a friend of Jon’s, as “police were called.” A rep for Jon reached the producer at his Santa Barbara ranch and told Page Six: “Jon has responded that he will be looking into the purported relationship, and why Christine is allowing their youngest daughter to spend nights out.”

I’ll tell you why Christine is allowing their youngest daughter to spend nights out. She was lucky enough to receive an advanced copy of Lynne Spears’ book. Clearly, Christine was motivated by Chapter 4: Hotels and Teenagers – Oh, They’ll Just Watch a Movie or Something; They’re Good Kids.

Before having promiscuous sex with a photographer, Britney Spears walked around Saturday in a ridiculously see-through shirt, and, oh, holy night, no bra! It’s a Christmas miracle. Kind of. I think. All I know is my penis is glowing bright red like Rudolph’s nose and I dunno if that’s good or bad. Hey, here comes Santa Claus. You want my dong to guide your sleigh tonight? Sure. Why not? Let’s save Christmas, jolly man. But wait. *holds a candy cane to his ear* Baby Jesus is on the phone. He says we should get lap dances first. Your treat.

Happy Holidays everybody! See you guys Wednesday.

All the pics are NSFW. (Hint: It’s because of the nipples.)