Thanks to Britney Spears this piece of gossip was buried underneath reports of laxative and motorcades. I smell conspiracy. Apparently Paris Hilton was spotted making out with Elisha Cuthbert at Tenjune in New York. Us Magazine reports:

Hilton was there for a birthday party and was seen dancing on banquets. “It’s Paris,” says the source. “She loves putting on a show.”

First off, two girls kissing! Woo-hoo! Okay, now that the formalities are out of the way, I’m a little disappointed there’re no pictures of these two making out. Not counting the ones in my mind. Except I swapped Paris with Hayden Panettiere and, also, the two aren’t making out in a nightclub as much as a Jacuzzi full of applesauce. So basically I’m imaging they’re on a second date. Or, in my case, a first date. Watch out!

And now’s the part of the day where I try and post something, anything, non-Britney Spears related. Here’s Matthew McConaughey with his ridiculously hot, but pregnant, girlfriend Camila Alves at the premiere of his new movie Fool’s Gold. Also in attendance is the surprisingly alive Malcolm-Jamal Warner. Take it away, Malcolm: “Bill Cosby hit me a with pudding pop.” Yeah, he did.

While no one is surprised that Britney Spears made another trip to the psych ward, what is surprising is that the LAPD and FAA already had previously arranged plans to facilitate Britney’s magical journey to cuckoo town. Ever since her last meltdown, plans were laid to expedite an inevitable return to the hospital. (You’re welcome, California taxpayers!) Britney’s lack of sleep was the trigger for today’s excursion, according to People:

“No one thought this would happen this soon, but it was clear if she stayed up for more than three days she’d have to get sent, since that could cause real damage. The last time she slept was Saturday.”
Adds the source: “The motorcade and everything was planned, it was already in the works to have them block off the road and airspace. It worked out perfectly.”

If I was a pilot flying overhead and found out I had to clear the airspace for Britney Spears, the shit would hit the fan, my friend. I’d get on the intercom and inform the passengers that this is their captain speaking and we’re about to make an unscheduled landing into Britney Spears pool. And by landing I mean crash. After a thunderous round of applause, I’d guzzle the rest of my Big Gulp full of whiskey (Thank you, stewardess) then lock the plane into a nosedive. I don’t want to say I’m a hero, but Batman better have an extra set of balls in his utility belt to pull off moves like these.

UPDATE: Video of the motorcade after the jump. And yeah, it’s every bit as ridiculous as it sounds.

Dr. Phil showed up on The View this morning to stick his mug once again into the latest Britney Spears fiasco. Ok! Magazine reports:

“I don’t think [Spears’ current hospitalization] surprises anybody. All I’ve ever try to do is help. By that I don’t mean doing therapy, because I don’t do that anymore, but I’ve always felt like let’s get her to the right kinds of professionals–ones that could provide psychological and psychiatric support. I don’t know the circumstances of how she wound up in the hospital today, but if it’s moving in that direction, that could be a good thing.”

Dr. Phil was also pimping his Britney story on Good Morning America and The Today Show earlier in the week. Dr. Phil likes feeling relevant. Otherwise he turns into the Incredible Hulk and eats children. No, really, I read it on Wikipedia. Or was it the bathroom stall I wrote on last week? I get the two confused.

Britney Spears supposedly told doctors at UCLA she’s on Adderall and has been taking ten laxatives a day. Wow, on top of all that Starbucks? That’s pretty gross. Anyway, she also laid down some heavy accusations against her mom Lynne, according to TMZ:

We’re also told, when she was admitted, Britney accused her mom of “sleeping with my boyfriend.” She wasn’t specific on who she was referring to.
We’re also told that for a time she was hurling profanities at her parents and staff.

Lynne Spears and Adnan McWienerPills? Of course. That makes absolutely zero sense whatsoever. Therefore it’s gotta be true. I’m on board. Lynne, you whore!

Michelle Williams kicked Heath Ledger out of their Brooklyn home because of his drug problems over the past year. Heath would disappear for days on end and show up a complete mess, according to a member of Heath’s entourage. Page Six reports:

“He was partying, doing drugs. She didn’t like the company he was keeping. She gave him an ultimatum. . . . and threatened to get custody of the girl. He wanted to make it work, but it was this scene he was wrapped up in. Was he an addict? Yeah.”

Entertainment Tonight was also going to air a tape of Heath doing cocaine at a hotel party in 2006, but opted not to out of respect for the Ledger family. Heath also had a problem with heroin that may shed light on his death, according to Page Six’s source:

“Once you go down that road, then it gets really scary. Because all of sudden you shoot up, you take heroin, then you do a line of cocaine and then you take sleeping pills. Look at River Phoenix, he died exactly the same way.”

I tried to find the Heath Ledger drug video on YouTube but all I found was some jackass who filmed himself through what looks like a roll of toilet paper. I don’t want to say it’s the most retarded thing I’ve seen in a while because I cover Britney Spears everyday. So that bar is pretty high. That being said, now I can’t stop saying “Earthen dam.” God, I hate you, YouTube. But I can’t quit you.

There’s nothing like waking up in the morning and finding out Britney Spears went insane again while you were sleeping. As I’m sifting through the deluge of info, it appears Sam Lufti is was the point man with the doctors who are taking care of Britney. During her last trip to the hospital, she signed some form stating she doesn’t want her parents involved in any type of medical emergency, according to TMZ:

We’re told her dad had gone ballistic back then, screaming and swearing at Lutfi — even pushing him — in front of Britney. As to what paperwork was signed, the cleanest thing would be if Britney signed a durable power of attorney, giving someone power to make medical decisions on her behalf in an emergency. We are told no such document was signed, but somehow Britney made it clear she wanted Lutfi to make those decisions.

Obviously her parents have called in all kinds of lawyers to get this mess straightened out. In the meantime, E! Online is reporting that Sam is the one who contacted Britney’s psychiatrist to get the ball rolling. Plans had been laid for days to get Britney hospitalized and the LAPD was ready for the call:

Lutfi was said to be key in making it happen, even over the objections of the singer’s recently reunited mother, Lynne.
“The scene inside the house was chaos,” the insider continued. “Lynne was shouting at police. She didn’t want them to take Britney away at first. It was a zoo.”

Here’s an interesting little item that I remembered from yesterday on TMZ. Britney and Sam got into a loud screaming match in front of the paps over who would drive her new Mercedes Benz. The Benz that Sam made her go out and buy while her parents were in town. He was spotted driving the car to the hospital this morning. It seems like Britney is Sam’s goose that lays the golden eggs. As long as he keeps her in the hospital, he still gets to have McMuffins. Or maybe an omelet. Western style. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I haven’t had breakfast yet.

Britney Spears was taken from her home early this morning in an ambulance. She’s currently checked into UCLA for mental evaluation, according to People:

“She went willingly. It was like something in her heart was telling her she should go. She knew something was wrong,” confidant Sam Lutfi tells PEOPLE.

However Sam Lufti may no longer be speaking for Britney. TMZ is reporting that Britney’s parents are taking control of the situation and are working with a judge to get control of Britney:

We’re told Britney’s mother, father and brother have been “working closely with the LAPD for weeks” to get her back in for psychiatric care. There is now a dogfight between Britney’s family and Sam Lutfi over who will make medical decisions, however, that fight is now put on hold because the judge now makes the call.

Apparently it was Britney Spears’ new psychiatrist who called the ambulance last night to get the ball rolling. There was no suicide attempt which had been previously been rumored. Britney is back on 5150 hold and this time her parents are looking to it extend it for 14 days. As of this post, there has been no sign of Dr. Phil. He’s probably still firing up the Phil-jet.

Paris Hilton posed for photos outside of the Ed Sullivan Theater last night. She was making an appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman to promote her new movie The Hottie and The Nottie. Even more surprising than her movie not going straight to video, are the fans waiting outside and presenting her with a bouquet of roses. Apparently these people are so inspired by Bigfoot they’ll brave the New York cold just to scream “Paris, we love you!” and the always popular, “Viva la genital sores!”

Leah Remini wants to have some relevance to her life since King of Queens went off the air, so she’s angling to be godmother to her good friend Jennifer Lopez’s unborn baby(s), according to People:

“We’re asking for an audition for godparent roles,” Remini, 36, joked to PEOPLE at the premiere after-party for her new comedy Over Her Dead Body Tuesday night. “Um … so, we’re waiting to hear back.”

I think Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony should seriously consider Leah’s case. I mean, Leah is an OT V in Scientology. I’m assuming that means she’s allowed to look at Tom Cruise’s face. But not in the eyes. Anyway, she has experience dealing with aliens which, let’s be real, one or two of them are popping out of that J-uterus. I know for a fact that Marc Anthony crash landed at Roswell. Then he salsa-danced his way out of the wreckage and into our hearts.

NOTE: Here’s a crazed letter from Leah Remini urging other Scientologists to become “clear” by crossing a bridge with rainbows or something. It’s sort of like Lord of the Rings but less believable.

Britney Spears is reportedly on medication for bipolar disorder. She has seen several psychiatrists and has one that visits her regularly. Friends claim Britney does well on the medication, but when she feels normal she quits taking it causing her to go batshit. However, one professional tells TMZ the medication is just flat-out not working:

That same professional tells TMZ, “She’s really trying. Whether it works — we’ll have to see.” That person also says it’s extremely frustrating when the media shows video of Britney out on the town acting crazy, adding, “She has a disease. Sometimes when you see her she’s in the middle of an episode. It’s like mocking someone with Down syndrome.”

Wow. Did that person just say Britney Spears has Down syndrome? That’s a bit harsh. To people with Down syndrome that is. They try their best and are surprisingly great with kids. Britney on the other hand; well, she’s great with, uh, I dunno, socks?

James Gandolfini decided to rough up a fan he encountered at JFK airport yesterday. The guy claimed to be a huge fan of Tony Soprano and kept pushing for an autograph, according to the Daily Mail:

The affection was clearly not mutual, with an irritated Gandolfini grabbing the man by his collar and punching him, claiming he came to close to his girlfriend Deborah Lin.
The fan said: “I’m just trying to find out how to be a Soprano.” Gandolfini responded: “Well, that’s how you do it.”

Tony Soprano quickly had a change of heart (i.e. didn’t want to get sued) and posed for a photo with his victim/superfan. Wait a minute. Jordan Bratman?

Us Weekly is claiming to have a source close to Angelina Jolie that says she is definitely pregnant. Word is Angelina is going to auction off confirmation of the news and donate the proceeds to charity:

One SAG attendee tells Us in its latest issue, on newsstands now, “It was so obvious she was pregnant. You could clearly see the bump’s outline.”

OK! Magazine is also reporting the bun’s in the oven. But enough about that. Let’s get down to brass tacks. I bid $1 billion* for the exclusive confirmation interview. For the record, I like to prepare a meal for all my interviewees. Hopefully Angelina likes Easy Mac out of a Tupperware dish. Also, I cook in the nude. That’s the naked nude, ladies.

*To be paid in $1 yearly installments. Dollar may be substituted for gum wrapper at any time. Gum not included.

Adnan Ghalib tests boner pills. Let’s pause for a moment and reflect on the best lead written in the history of journalism. Fantastic. Anyway, some of you might have heard of this, but apparently Adnan is on a panel of guys who test male enhancement products. You can see his bio on SexHealthReview.com. (He’s the third one down. Can’t miss him.) Here’s what it says in case your work doesn’t want you reading about erections:

Occupation: Filmmaker.
Tell Us a Little Something About Yourself:
I work in “the” industry in Los Angeles and I know many of my friends use these products. Thought this would be an interesting opportunity to reveal the truth to many men worldwide.

What is Adnan hinting at by saying he works in “the” industry? Does he work in porn? Or is he not only impotent but unable to properly use quotations? I don’t see how I’m supposed to trust a guy to inform me about Spermamax when he can’t even use the correct punctuation. I don’t want to think I’ll have “a” massive boner only to find out it’s a non-quoted erection. That’s just embarrassing.

Tom Cruise is receiving a new Ducati Desmosedici RR motorcycle this week. Tom is receiving the very first model of the only 1,500 made. The cycle cost $72,500 and can reach speeds of 200 mph, according to NY Daily News:

Cruise, whose net worth is upwards of $250 million, is known to have an affinity for fast vehicles, including motorcycles, Porsches and planes. Some estimate the actor spent $1 million in 2006 on fuel alone.

A million smackers on gas? Jesus. Somewhere Al Gore is reading this with eco-friendly steam coming out his ears. He’s probably wishing he didn’t make that promise to Gary Coleman to never kick a midget again. But he never said anything about face punching…

Britney Spears’ parents came into town Monday night with plans of staging an intervention to get Britney mental help. Yesterday afternoon, Sam Lufti persuaded Britney to go car-shopping and they brought Lynne Spears along. It didn’t go well, according to People:

“Lynne and Britney were arguing in the car the whole time. They’re both upset and arguing, not having a good time at all,” an onlooker tells PEOPLE.

After 15 minutes at the dealership, Britney drove a black Escalade off the lot. “After she came out, she pulled over to the side of the road to argue with her mom more,” adds the onlooker.

TMZ then reported that Sam was disrupting the family’s intervention, so Sam called TMZ’s own Harvey Levin to set the record straight. Presumably through grave-pissing:

Lutfi said of the family, “They have an agenda. Their agenda is jealously because they don’t fit in. I do. They see her three times a year.”
Britney was by the phone during Lutfi’s conversation with Levin. Lutfi claimed he did not force Britney to buy a car, asking Brit, “Did I force you to buy a car.” In a heavy southern accent she responded, “No.” He continued, “Do I ever bug you.” She replied, “We argue.”

Family sources tell TMZ that Sam is a “megalomaniac” who is “motivated by evil.” I disagree. I see Sam Lufti as more of a “douchebag” who is motivated by “crazy vagina.” Yeah, that’s right. I can use fancy medical terms too.

Victoria’s Secret model Alessandra Ambrosio had a photo shoot this weekend in South Beach. I should also mention she’s three months pregnant. Normally, the sight of a pregnant woman makes me want to change my name, grow a moustache and flee to the Rockies. (If anyone asks, my name is Adam F. Thundernads.) But, today, I’m going to make an exception with Alessandra and ignore my natural, sharply honed reflexes. Maybe it’s because I’m starting to mature as an adult or perhaps it’s because she’s wearing a bikini. I’m not really sure. But I’d put money on the bikini – and a lot of it.

Mariah Carey went shopping yesterday at Van Cleef & Arpels on Rodeo Drive. I have no idea what that is because I have a penis. Anyway, she tried on several pieces of jewelry. Apparently her breasts aren’t noticeable enough. Even the guy in the background, let’s call him Nigel, is trying to resist touching them. He’s mostly afraid the top button of Mariah’s shirt will rocket off at any second severing his finger. Then how will he explain that to his wife Mrs. Nigel? I mean, once she notices his well-earned Purple Heart.

Lindsay Lohan got down with some Grey Goose over the weekend while partying with Brody Jenner of MTV’s The Hills in NYC. Lindsay’s friends and rep deny she was drinking, but observers noticed she was definitely in the sack. NY Daily News reports:

One source contends that drinks were showing on Linds on Friday. Confronted by paparazzi at the Beatrice, “she started going berserk,” claims a witness. “She didn’t want them taking shots of her with Brody.”

How dare they take pictures of Lindsay when she’s only hooking up with one guy? She’s got a reputation to uphold as a three-man whore-bot. The least the paps could’ve done was provided her with a homeless guy to have sex with on top of some garbage cans. It’s called chivalry. Maybe you guys should look it up sometime.

Michelle Williams kicked Heath Ledger out of their Brooklyn home because of his drug problems over the past year. Heath would disappear for days on end and show up a complete mess, according to a member of Heath’s entourage. Page Six reports:

“He was partying, doing drugs. She didn’t like the company he was keeping. She gave him an ultimatum. . . . and threatened to get custody of the girl. He wanted to make it work, but it was this scene he was wrapped up in. Was he an addict? Yeah.”

Entertainment Tonight was also going to air a tape of Heath doing cocaine at a hotel party in 2006, but opted not to out of respect for the Ledger family. Heath also had a problem with heroin that may shed light on his death, according to Page Six’s source:

“Once you go down that road, then it gets really scary. Because all of sudden you shoot up, you take heroin, then you do a line of cocaine and then you take sleeping pills. Look at River Phoenix, he died exactly the same way.”

I tried to find the Heath Ledger drug video on YouTube but all I found was some jackass who filmed himself through what looks like a roll of toilet paper. I don’t want to say it’s the most retarded thing I’ve seen in a while because I cover Britney Spears everyday. So that bar is pretty high. That being said, now I can’t stop saying “Earthen dam.” God, I hate you, YouTube. But I can’t quit you.

There’s nothing like waking up in the morning and finding out Britney Spears went insane again while you were sleeping. As I’m sifting through the deluge of info, it appears Sam Lufti is was the point man with the doctors who are taking care of Britney. During her last trip to the hospital, she signed some form stating she doesn’t want her parents involved in any type of medical emergency, according to TMZ:

We’re told her dad had gone ballistic back then, screaming and swearing at Lutfi — even pushing him — in front of Britney. As to what paperwork was signed, the cleanest thing would be if Britney signed a durable power of attorney, giving someone power to make medical decisions on her behalf in an emergency. We are told no such document was signed, but somehow Britney made it clear she wanted Lutfi to make those decisions.

Obviously her parents have called in all kinds of lawyers to get this mess straightened out. In the meantime, E! Online is reporting that Sam is the one who contacted Britney’s psychiatrist to get the ball rolling. Plans had been laid for days to get Britney hospitalized and the LAPD was ready for the call:

Lutfi was said to be key in making it happen, even over the objections of the singer’s recently reunited mother, Lynne.
“The scene inside the house was chaos,” the insider continued. “Lynne was shouting at police. She didn’t want them to take Britney away at first. It was a zoo.”

Here’s an interesting little item that I remembered from yesterday on TMZ. Britney and Sam got into a loud screaming match in front of the paps over who would drive her new Mercedes Benz. The Benz that Sam made her go out and buy while her parents were in town. He was spotted driving the car to the hospital this morning. It seems like Britney is Sam’s goose that lays the golden eggs. As long as he keeps her in the hospital, he still gets to have McMuffins. Or maybe an omelet. Western style. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I haven’t had breakfast yet.

Britney Spears was taken from her home early this morning in an ambulance. She’s currently checked into UCLA for mental evaluation, according to People:

“She went willingly. It was like something in her heart was telling her she should go. She knew something was wrong,” confidant Sam Lutfi tells PEOPLE.

However Sam Lufti may no longer be speaking for Britney. TMZ is reporting that Britney’s parents are taking control of the situation and are working with a judge to get control of Britney:

We’re told Britney’s mother, father and brother have been “working closely with the LAPD for weeks” to get her back in for psychiatric care. There is now a dogfight between Britney’s family and Sam Lutfi over who will make medical decisions, however, that fight is now put on hold because the judge now makes the call.

Apparently it was Britney Spears’ new psychiatrist who called the ambulance last night to get the ball rolling. There was no suicide attempt which had been previously been rumored. Britney is back on 5150 hold and this time her parents are looking to it extend it for 14 days. As of this post, there has been no sign of Dr. Phil. He’s probably still firing up the Phil-jet.

Paris Hilton posed for photos outside of the Ed Sullivan Theater last night. She was making an appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman to promote her new movie The Hottie and The Nottie. Even more surprising than her movie not going straight to video, are the fans waiting outside and presenting her with a bouquet of roses. Apparently these people are so inspired by Bigfoot they’ll brave the New York cold just to scream “Paris we love you!” and the always popular, “Viva la genital sores!”

Leah Remini wants to have some relevance to her life since King of Queens went off the air, so she’s angling to be godmother to her good friend Jennifer Lopez’s unborn baby(s), according to People:

“We’re asking for an audition for godparent roles,” Remini, 36, joked to PEOPLE at the premiere after-party for her new comedy Over Her Dead Body Tuesday night. “Um … so, we’re waiting to hear back.”

I think Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony should seriously consider Leah’s case. I mean, Leah is an OT V in Scientology. I’m assuming that means she’s allowed to look at Tom Cruise’s face. But not in the eyes. Anyway, she has experience dealing with aliens which, let’s be real, one or two of them are popping out of that J-uterus. I know for a fact that Marc Anthony crash landed at Roswell. Then he salsa-danced his way out of the wreckage and into our hearts.

NOTE: Here’s a crazed letter from Leah Remini urging other Scientologists to become “clear” by crossing a bridge with rainbows or something. It’s sort of like Lord of the Rings but less believable.

Britney Spears is reportedly on medication for bipolar disorder. She has seen several psychiatrists and has one that visits her regularly. Friends claim Britney does well on the medication, but when she feels normal she quits taking it causing her to go batshit. However, one professional tells TMZ the medication is just flat-out not working:

That same professional tells TMZ, “She’s really trying. Whether it works — we’ll have to see.” That person also says it’s extremely frustrating when the media shows video of Britney out on the town acting crazy, adding, “She has a disease. Sometimes when you see her she’s in the middle of an episode. It’s like mocking someone with Down syndrome.”

Wow. Did that person just say Britney Spears has Down syndrome? That’s a bit harsh. To people with Down syndrome that is. They try their best and are surprisingly great with kids. Britney on the other hand; well, she’s great with, uh, I dunno, socks?