Scarlett Johannson could be yours for an entire evening. Provided you have a buttload of cash and win a charity auction on eBay. Scarlett goes up for bidding on Sunday, so start digging in those couch cushions. You’ll get a chance to help those in need and possibly see some cleavage. It reminds me of that passage in the Bible about caring for others: “And so Jesus said to Thomas, ‘Dude, I totally need to touch that chick at the well’s cones. Go get me a blind dude to heal. STAT. For real, that move is guaranteed to get me to No-Pants-rusalem.’ And Thomas did as the Lord commandeth thus securing his heavenly position of righteous wing-man.” 2 Superficialonians 5:19 (KJV).

Kim Kardashian gave a homeless man $20 outside the Gucci store yesterday. This would’ve been a nice humanitarian moment if, after the cameras were off, Kim didn’t smother the man to death with her monster rack and take back the $20. The dude didn’t mind though. He was going to drive his wheelchair onto the freeway anyway and prove the government’s listening to our cereal. Rest in peace, Joe “Sugar Smacks” Tate. You died a hero’s death.

The Britney Spears’ pregnancy rumors continue. Earlier in the week it was Star, now it’s Life & Style. No doubt the two have formed an alliance to grip the country in fear. An eyewitness for Life & Style claims Britney looks “totally pregnant.” (Direct quote. I shit you not.) However, if Britney isn’t pregnant it’s not for lack of trying with Adnan Ghalib:

“Britney’s still having sex with him,” an insider tells Life & Style. And Jamie, who has moved in with Britney to oversee her recovery, “can’t stand it,” says the insider. “He hates when Adnan comes over and the two of them disappear for a few hours. He knows they’re having sex. But Adnan makes Britney happy.”

Feel free to scope out the pics of the Brit-belly from last night. Does she like pregnant? I dunno. However I included some shots of Britney earlier in the day hauling around her daily giant Frappucino which is probably the cause of all this speculation. I don’t see why all these magazines want her to be pregnant anyway. It’s kind of sick really. That’s like hoping Michael Jackson is allowed to start his own day care. I mean, yeah, it’ll be adorable at first. But sooner or later somebody’s kid is getting run over by a giraffe. Which will suck after a rough night of Jesus Juice. In the meantime, Sean and Jayden can only dream of such a paradise.

Hugh Hefner wants the Olsen twins to pose nude for Playboy. Looking at these pictures from God knows when, (Are those two ever together anymore?) I’m now thoroughly convinced that old Hugh is blind as hell. Star has the details:

After striking out when the twins turned 18, Hugh tried again, hoping they would pose for Playboy’s June issue to mark their 22nd birthday.
“Hef thinks the twins are every young man’s fantasy,” an insider tells Star.

Yes, the Olsen twins really are every young man’s fantasy. You’ve truly got your finger on the pulse of today’s youth, Hugh Hefner. There’s nothing my generation wants to do more than open up an issue of Playboy and immediately want to masturbate with a cheese grater. I mean, seriously? Who spilled the beans?

Thanks to Paul for the tip who, thankfully, doesn’t have a wombat twin.

Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears’ uncle William Spears is all about airing the family’s dirty laundry. Apparently Jamie Lynn herself was an accident just like the child in her belly that may or may not be Casey Aldridge’s. Jamie Spears had a vasectomy after Britney was born, but yet somehow Lynne ended up pregnant. The Sun reports:

He said: “Jamie got awfully mad. He said it couldn’t be his.” Williams alleges Jamie demanded a DNA test, that eventually proved he was the baby’s biological father.
He added: “That’s why they named her Jamie Lynn, to kind of make the point that she was from both of them.”

Ha! What an amazing way to name your child. I can just imagine how that conversation went with Jamie Lynn: Daddy, where did my name come from? Well, you see, sweetie, Daddy only wanted two kids so he had his balls snipped. See the scar? Well, since God is a sick bastard, somehow your mommy got knocked up. Now I’ve always suspected she’s a cheap whore and didn’t believe it was mine. But stupid science proved me wrong, so we decided, shit, we’re stuck with you, why not pick a name that reminds us of how much I distrust that fucking shrew of a woman and wish she’d die in her sleep. The end. Sleep tight, my little princess. Smooches!

Matt Drudge broke the news that Prince Harry was currently serving in Afghanistan. Prince Harry was really stoked to be fighting terrorists and thought it would honor his mom’s memory. Well, now he’s getting brought home because of the media coverage. I’m sure Prince Harry can’t wait to thank Matt Drudge with a grenade to the nuts. The AP reports:

He was originally due to return to Britain within weeks, but “the situation has now clearly changed,” the statement said. The decision was based on concerns that worldwide media coverage of Harry in Afghanistan could put him and his comrades at increased risk.
The ministry asked the media not to speculate on Harry’s location — or how and when he would return — until he was back in Britain.

I’m not even going to get political because this site is all about boobs and my wang firing laser beams. *ZAP* Take that, empty soda can on Frank the intern’s head! Anyway, I think it’s pretty cool that a celebrity wanted to actually put his life on the line and be a soldier. I’d like to see more of them take that initiative. In fact, the government should form a special platoon consisting of Criss Angel, Ashton Kutcher, Milo Ventimiglia (Don’t worry. I’ll keep an eye on Hayden.), Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Their mission: I could care less as long they test land mines with their faces. Watch out, Al Qaeda, the Dipshit Brigade is on the prowl!

The DEA has ended their investigation of two doctors in the Heath Ledger case. The doctors supposedly prescribed Heath the pain medication that resulted in his death, but federal agents are clearing them of any wrongdoing, according to the New York Post:

The Drug Enforcement Agency questioned the medics and found that both of them had met with the “Brokeback Mountain” star and prescribed him other medications, but they are not the source of the two powerful drugs taken by Ledger, 28, who was found dead on Jan. 22.

So Heath Ledger got his medication from God knows where and unfortunately took too much. Tragic stuff, for sure, but I think the press has milked all they can out of this story. Unfortunately, however and still using the cow metaphor, Britney Spears’ milk bladder of news is not only dragging on the ground it’s hanging over the fence and spraying the neighboring farm. Which would be awesome if Old Man Jenkins wasn’t lactose intolerant. That poor metaphorical bastard.

Nicole Richie just can’t get any hotter! (Prior statement does not include physical appearance.) She’s been offered the lead role of Roxie Hart in the Broadway production of Chicago. A source for Us Weekly, who is either Nicole’s publicist or escaped from a mental ward, had the following to say:

“It is in the super early stages of discussions and no decision has been made yet. It would give her a reason to really show her talent and to stay in the new place in NY Joel just got,” the source says. “It also shows people are really excited about Nicole right now.”

Yes, America just couldn’t be more captivated with our newest sweetheart. Step aside, Lady Liberty. You’re yesterday’s news. The nation is truly abuzz with this emaciated waif who coked off all her baby weight within a week and flew on the slightest of wind into our hearts. The ole U.S. of A. salutes you, Nicole. Keep on snorting for the boys overseas! God bless and Stars and Stripes forever!

Paris Hilton poses topless for the latest issue of 944 Magazine. I can’t tell if she’s trying to be sexy in these pictures, or really has to go to the bathroom. It’s like “Ooh, yeah, I’m Paris Hilton and I’ve got to piss like a race horse. Isn’t that hot?” I dunno, I guess – sort of. But you know what’s really hot? Drinking anti-freeze. I mean, wow, e to the rotic. And, hey, I’ve got some right here. You go first, sexy girl. Mmm, yum yum!

Hayden Panettiere poses provocatively for the new Candies ad campaign and if that’s not news, I don’t know what is. I also included shots of Hayden looking chesty while apartment shopping with her mom yesterday. Okay, maybe Hayden’s not really news, but it’s seriously, no jokes, my birthday today so humor me. And if you’re really nice, I’ll let you have some of the cake I made. Which may or may not be a bottle of Jack Daniels covered in frosting. (Hint: It is.)

Apparently Orlando Bloom subscribes to the Britney Spears’ School of Hygiene because his girlfriend Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr (above) wants him to quit being such a filthy bastard, according to Star:

“Miranda thinks Orlando is too smelly. Recently, she asked him if he could wash his clothes and perhaps shower more often.”
When he’s not working on a film, the Pirates of the Caribbean star, 31, “goes days without washing his clothes,” adds the source. “He’ll wear the same jeans for a week before he throws them in the washer. Same goes for his sweaters, T-shirts and socks.”
It doesn’t help that he sleeps with his dog, Sidi, and lets her slobber all over him.

If a Victoria’s Secret model told me to take a shower in order to learn her secret (which better not be a penis this time), I’d be scrubbing down like there was no tomorrow. Mostly because I wake up every morning and roll around in the mud with my pet pig Hewey. I named him after my favorite singer: Jennifer Love Hewitt. But not because she’s fat. I just respect her as an artist – who loves bacon.

Jessica Simpson is set to perform for the troops in Kuwait on March 10. She’s taking a break from her country album to make the trip according to the following message on her fansite:

“Hey ya’ll. I just wanted to say hi, and let you know that I am hard at work on my country record, and I can’t wait to share it will all of you. I am heading to Kuwait to do a show for the troops, then back in the studio. I love you all and am so blessed by the support and love you show me everyday!! xoxo jess”

While I’m happy to see Jessica Simpson doing something nice for our men and women in uniform, I hope to God she gets topless because otherwise that’s just a slap in the face to these brave individuals. I mean, they’re out there on the front lines catching shrapnel in the anus and, if that happened to me, I’d feel entitled to some boob. If, however, she plans to perform fully clothed, I just have one question for Jessica Simpson: Why do you hate America so much?

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are supposedly rekindling their relationship. This can not end well. Too soon? Nah, just right. Here’s what Us Weekly has to say:

Now that Wilson, 39, is healthy again – he presented an award at Sunday’s Academy Awards – he and Hudson may be rebuilding their romance, Us Weekly reports.
“They are hooking up,” a Wilson insider told Us. Confirms a Hudson source, “They have definitely been talking, hanging out and, yes, hooking up.”

However, just last week I posted that Kate and Justin Timberlake were getting no-pants friendly which Us Weekly also mentions in their article. So, I guess I can just start writing daily posts with the generic headline “Kate Hudson bangs someone new.” Chances are it’ll be true. And at the rate she’s going, Kate Hudson will be doing chicks by spring. Then it will be my sacred journalistic duty to find every single pic of those hookups. I can almost taste that Pulitzer. No, wait, it’s the breakfast burrito I just ate. Extra onions was a bad choice. Hey, Frank the intern, come over and smell my breath. *breathes* Ha ha! Frank? Frank, wake up. Not again- Medic!

While Britney Spears’ insanity was determined not to be a federal case, Heath Ledger’s death is getting the federal treatment. Two doctors are currently being scrutinized by federal drug investigators, according to NY Daily News:

The doctors – one in California, one in Texas – are believed to have supplied the “Brokeback Mountain” star with the powerful painkillers Oxycontin and Vicodin, law enforcement sources said. Authorities want to know if the drugs were prescribed illegally. “It’s an ongoing investigation,” a law enforcement source told The News Tuesday. “It’s not clear if there was any wrongdoing.”

Somehow I hope Sam Lutfi is blamed for this. And also Pete Wentz. Then they have to share a jail cell in Guantanamo Bay with a Heath Ledger fan named RazorCock McButtLover. Dear Jesus, if you’re up there, please make this happen. I’ll be a good boy for the rest of the year, I promise. I’ll eat all my vegetables and go to church. Though I can’t promise not to bring my Gameboy because, Christ, that shit is boring. Amen.

The LAPD officially announced that they are looking into the allegations that “someone” drugged Britney Spears. They haven’t launched a formal investigation yet, but I hear they want to prevent future drive-by vadge-ings so the chances look good. The AP reports:

Police Capt. Kyle Jackon said in a statement Wednesday that the allegations “are being considered” by the Robbery-Homicide unit to determine if laws have been violated. Jackson says no suspect has been identified.

And by “no suspect” they of course mean “we totally know who it is.” Even Patches the Blind Crime Dog knows it was Sam Lutfi. Ask him who drugged Britney Spears and he’ll say “Ruff!” which everyone knows is dog-talk for “Asshat Supreme.” Then Patches will rub his nose signifying he’s not going to rest until he bites some Middle Eastern nut-sack. I swear that Pooch is practically Robocop but with surprisingly less leg-humping.

Heidi Montag can’t do anything without it becoming a totally staged photo shoot. I bet she goes to the bathroom and gives the toilet paper roll a thumbs up and a smile. Here she is shopping at Kitson while cameramen film her for MySpace Presents: The Fit on MySpace Celebrity. I have no idea what that is, nor do I want to know. I’ll just end up wanting to firebomb everyone that uses MySpace. So watch out pervs, 15-year-old girls and, most of all, Dane Cook.

Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie were supposed to have a little sit down to ease the tension between the two and bring some closure to the fact that Brad ditched Jen to repopulate the planet with Angelina. The sit down was scheduled before the Night Before party in Beverly Hills on Saturday, but Angie bailed at the last minute. Author Robert Greene of “The 48 Laws of Power” gives Us Weekly his analysis:

“If Angelina is trying to get under Jen’s skin – push her buttons – this is a clever way to do it,” Greene adds.
“Imagine you’re in Jen’s shoes,” he says. “You’re worried about Angelina showing up. And she never does. It’s infuriating. If intentional, it’s definitely a power move.”

Maybe Angelina Jolie, being the humanitarian that she is, didn’t want to rub in the fact that she has a fully functioning reproductive system and Jennifer Aniston will die barren and alone. I mean, that sounds considerate. Or Angelina could just be a total bitch and wanted to screw with Jen’s head. Then she went home and wrote about her in her slambook while Brad braided her hair. Yeah, all that stuff.

Britney Spears, much like Katie Holmes, could really, seriously, for real this time possibly be pregnant again. Adnan Ghalib is reportedly telling friends he slipped one past the goalie, according to Star:

And what do you know! The fallen pop princess’ belly is starting to show a little bulge, in spite of hours of classes at the Millennium Dance Complex.
“Britney is Adnan’s dream come true. He knows that if he has a child with Brit, he’ll be made for life,” one friend of Adnan’s tells Star.

These are some closer shots of Britney shopping in Beverly Hills. Unfortunately her blouse is see-through but now we’ve got a closer look at her gut. I can’t believe I just passed that off as a good thing. Anyway, I’m not a gynecologist in the States, but in Mexico? You bet your ass I am. Now, Britney doesn’t seem to have the protruding stomach that denotes pregnancy. But she does seem to have the jiggly side fat of a chick who will eat a baby if left in a car too long. Eh, how’s that for a diagnosis? Juan’s Backyard Medical School, you’re worth your weight in pesos.

Ali Lohan, Lindsay’s 14-year-old little sister, wants to grow up to be just like Lindsay. Ali’s got a new reality show that her mom Dina brokered because, let’s be real, Dina couldn’t parent her way out of a wet paper bag with a knife inside. Anyway, here’s what Ali said to Teen Vogue:

“I grew up watching Lindsay, and it made me want to do what she does. Just the whole vibe. Being there, being on camera, or onstage, with everybody listening to you…it’s so cool when people look up to you. I’ve already been asked for my autograph, and it’s just a really good feeling to have.”

Ali got to watch Lindsay pose nude as Marilyn Monroe and I guess she found it appealing that her 22-year-old sister’s body looked worse than that of a 36-year-old. Add that to all the whoring, and I mean, c’mon Lindsay is a modern-day Sandra Day O’Connor. I have no idea who that is, but I’m sure she’s an awesome role model just like Lindsay.

EDIT: Turns out Sandra Day O’Connor was a Supreme Court Justice who literally just sued my pants off. And I say literally because FBI agents kicked down my door and pantsed me. Then laughed at my genitalia. The jokes on them though. Chicks laugh at my package all the time. HA! I win.

Katie Holmes could really, seriously, for real this time possibly be pregnant again. The cover story for OK! Magazine claims she put on 10 pounds and her appearance at two red carpet events has people talking. And by people I mean the editors at OK! who are dedicated to saying Katie is pregnant every 2-3 months:

But when the slender star showed up wearing loose-fitting dresses at both the Costume Designers Guild Awards and the Essence Black Women in Hollywood Awards that seemed to reveal the hint of a bump to spectators, the question on everyone’s lips was: Could Katie have a baby on board?
“She has that special glow that only pregnant women have,” an eyewitness tells OK!. “I would say there is a strong possibility that she’s pregnant.”

Before I destroy the pregnancy rumors like the Bruce Lee of Gossip that I am, why is Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise at the Essence Black Women in Hollywood Awards? They’re neither black nor women. Moving on. First, if Katie was pregnant she wouldn’t have that special glow. She’d have the bewildered look of someone who just got inseminated by a turkey baster because her husband cries at the sight of vaginas. As for the extra 10 pounds, hello, she’s got a midget strapped to her waist. Okay, technically it’s Tom Cruise, but now you’re just splitting hairs.

It’s apparently legal day on The Superficial. New York attorney John Eardley was shut down yesterday in his attempts to prove Britney Spears is being held captive and that her conservatorship case should be heard by a federal judge. No one could figure out what angle this guy was working, but it obviously didn’t work. People reports:

“Mr. Eardley fails to explain why he can bring this claim for her in the first instance. He cannot,” Gutierrez said in his three-page ruling. “Mr. Eardley had no authority to remove the case from state court. He is neither a party nor a defendant. While he claims to be Ms. Spears’s attorney, the probate court … found that she was incapable of retaining her own counsel.”

Britney Spears’ legal conundrum is so ridiculous that the judge could file a ruling stating, “So I communicated to Mr. Eardley ‘Dude, what the fuck? Your shit makes no sense and I ain’t got time for no jibber-jabber.’” This once again proves that Mr. T should handle any and all legal cases so I’m entertained and get to watch fools be pitied. The defense rests and will now eat a Pop Tart if it pleases the court.

Pamela Anderson is seeking an annulment of her two month marriage to Rick Salomon. She is citing fraud in legal papers, but no other details were available and her people aren’t talking. The AP reports:

In court papers filed in Los Angeles on Friday, Anderson asked the court not to award spousal support and to keep her and Salomon’s income and property separate. On Monday, Anderson filed a request to have a retired judge handle the annulment proceedings — a common practice in celebrity split-ups as it keeps matters private and out of the court.

I guess Rick Salomon told Pamela Anderson he’s only half a douche, but after the honeymoon, Pamela found out he’s in fact a total 100% douche – with a touch of ass-clown. I asked Bob in our legal department if this constitutes fraud and he said “If your DUI cases didn’t put my kid through college, I’d punch you in the liver for asking me the stupidest question in the history of law.” I’ll take that as a “Yes.”

These are shots of Petra Nemcova modeling the latest line of lingerie for La Senza which is Spanish for Olé! As a responsible member of the media (not counting the Jennifer Love Hewitt post below) I shouldn’t say that I expect all women to look this. Just the ones that will believe I’m a millionaire secret agent who works undercover in his parents’ basement. The futon is government-issued. I can’t say anymore. It’s classified… ladies.

Prince threw the mother of all post-Oscar parties Sunday night and everyone was there. Even Best Actor Daniel Day Lewis who presumably drank all the milkshakes. The man loves his lactose. However, one person who wasn’t there was Lindsay Lohan. Apparently the situation reached Code Red when Prince’s people found out she might show up. FOX News reports:

Pop Tarts was left wondering where on earth party girl Lindsay Lohan was amid the excitement.
“A big deal was made by Prince’s people that she wasn’t to be invited or if she was already, she needed to be uninvited,” our source said. “Apparently, Lindsay thought they were friends, so I am assuming she would have been disappointed.”

I guess Prince didn’t want anyone getting laid at his party. For those of you who don’t get the joke, let me put it in scientific terms: You see, Y = Lindsay’s vagina and X = every dude’s penis at the party. As X approaches Y the chances of S = guaranteed sex on the dishwasher increases. If Y, again her vagina, is multiplied by C = champagne then you get the equation Y * C = F which is scorch marks on the carpet. This is directly proportional to Y getting kicked out the fucking door.

NOTE: Anyone that wishes to dispute the mathematic inaccuracies of this post can feel free to e-mail me and I’ll describe what sex is like. (Hint: Awesome, yet strangely furry.)

Ashlee Simpson is reportedly pregnant and engaged. Ashlee showed up to a signing of her new CD in New York (above) and was sporting an engagement ring. She might also be sporting a fetus if Pete Wentz’s film-making skills are to be trusted. The Sun reports:

Pete recently posted a blog online announcing the couples’ plans to make something that cannot be illegally downloaded, hinting at a baby.
In the bizarre video message, Ashlee and Pete, who have dated since last summer, also reveal that the “release date” is July 2008, before Ashlee poses with a cushion stuffed under her top.

I added Pete and Ashlee’s video after the jump. Hopefully this is some sort of sick joke because I don’t want to write about the world’s most retarded baby being born in July. Seriously, that kid will have the IQ of peanut butter. In the meantime, if you watch the video and don’t want to spay and neuter these two with a lawnmower, congratulations! You have no soul.