Dearest Jan-Jan,

Before we begin, I’d like to commend you on your efforts entertaining our troops during the Second World War. At the ripe young age of 40, you gave our boys something to live for as they fought to stop Hitler from finding Jesus’ cup in that tomb with the knight who was like super old. Anyway, those glory days are long gone. When you reach the triple digits, it’s time to retire the bikini. How do I put this delicately? Your ass looks like E.T.’s stomach – but more Play-Doh-y. So Play-Doh-y, in fact, that I’m about ready to bust out my Spaghetti Factory. I like to make the stars!

Godspeed,

The Superficial Writer

NOTE: Not sure what this is, but I’m convinced it’s our duty as a society to kill it.

Paris Hilton busted up her chin over the weekend as she was leaving a music store in Prague. She was fleeing the paparazzi when she tripped over a step and landed face first into the ground. Being the heroic knight that he is, Paris’ boyfriend Benji Madden failed to help Paris to her feet and instead stepped over her. Although after realizing she was actually hurt, he did eventually turn back around to help her. Which I guess is actually pretty impressive, because if I saw Paris Hilton lying face first on the floor I’m pretty sure my first instinct would be to kick her. Well that, or bring both my hands to my face in shock that she wasn’t naked and covered in used condoms. Haha, just kidding. Paris Hilton? Condoms? It’s like I’m writing a fantasy novel.

A video of Benji pleading with the paparazzi to leave Paris alone after the jump.

Dearest Jan-Jan,

Before we begin, I’d like to commend you on your efforts entertaining our troops during the Second World War. At the ripe young age of 40, you gave our boys something to live for as they fought to stop Hitler from finding Jesus’ cup in that tomb with the knight who was like super old. Anyway, those glory days are long gone. When you reach the triple digits, it’s time to retire the bikini. How do I put this delicately? Your ass looks like E.T.’s stomach – but more Play-Doh-y. So Play-Doh-y, in fact, that I’m about ready to bust out my Spaghetti Factory. I like to make the stars!

Godspeed,

The Superficial Writer

Dina Lohan started filming her new reality show Living Lohan and would have us believe her daily schedule consists of interrupting dance classes in the middle of Harlem. Riight. She, of course, does this while towing around her 14-year-old daughter Ali and her grandmother – allegedly. Poor woman probably was taken from a nursing home screaming “The orange devil’s got me!” Which isn’t far off considering Dina’s days really involve eating infants then beating up homeless guys for change.

Thanks to Ashley who would provide a safe and fire-crotch-free home for Grandma Lohan. In exchange for snickerdoodles.

I can understand how Benji Madden managed to score Paris Hilton. I’m not going to get into specifics but, it’s because she has herpes. So how in the hell did he score a woman like Sophie Monk? She’s looking pretty damn hot while shopping in LA over the weekend. Maybe Sophie was on a year long drinking binge while she was with Benji, I dunno. But if she ever wants to fall off the wagon, holla at your boy. I’ll bring the homemade booze. What’s your preference, baby? Pine-Sol Colada or Lemon Fresh Pledge-arita?

Surprise! Heath Ledger might have fathered a love child. His uncle broke the news to The Daily Telegraph which will undoubtedly make the estate bickering even more of a fucking fiasco:

Ledger was a 17-year-old schoolboy when he had an affair with an older woman who is thought to have only discovered she was pregnant after their relationship ended. The woman was living with another man at the time of the alleged affair.
Yesterday, Ledger’s uncle, Hadyn Ledger said: “There is a very real possibility that Heath was the father.”

Man, I wish I had a love child. A new one, that is. I’m getting kind of bored with the 203* I currently have. Also none of them refuse to engage me in armed combat. I even taped daggers to their bottles but, still, no dice. Wait. Can a three-year-old shoot a crossbow? Nah, the flaming arrow would throw off his aim. Or would it…

*Give or take 203.

Kim Kardashian and her rag-tag bunch of family members stopped by Larry King Live on Friday. After getting peppered by Barbara Walters about her sex tape, Kim was ready for another awkward discussion about her nudity with the surprisingly alive. This time Larry brought up the topic of her shoot for Playboy. Kim said a bunch of words about something or rather, I dunno. I was too busy staring at the video of her getting ready for the shoot. Then things kind of went black for a while. I blame the fall into the next cubicle when I tried to mount my monitor. I should invest in some handlebars. I mean, I can’t keep doing this 10-30 times a day – before lunch.

Thanks to Lindsey who isn’t afraid to say Larry’s suspenders are sexy. Hell yeah!

Kevin Federline still has feelings for his vagina-flashing ex-wife Britney Spears. Could there be a reunion in the works? And, God help us all, another offspring down the line? Showbiz Spy reports:

“I still love Britney. She’s the mother of my children,” Federline, 30, said.
And Jamie Spears — Britney’s dad — is even reportedly encouraging the pair to reunite.

Ack! Britney’s dad is trying to make this happen?! WTGDF?! Seriously, if these two get back together you know she’s popping out another kid then going off the deep end. And I was really starting to like how things are now. You know, where I hardly ever see her face anymore. Do you know how hard it is to constantly type Frappucino? I had to hire midgets to move my fingers. True story.

Rikki Rockett, drummer for Poison, was arrested on rape charges for an incident that occurred in September at the Silver Star Casino in Mississippi. Rikki is out of jail and awaiting a district attorney’s decision to see if the case will go before a grand jury. The AP reports:

“The subject, Rikki Rockett, forcibly had sex with an adult in one of the hotel rooms,” according to a complaint.
Sciple said the woman contacted authorities several days after the alleged attack. He did not discuss details of the case, but said his office believed the woman’s complaint warranted review by the district attorney.

Did Rikki do it? Oh yeah. I mean, look at the guy. Not exactly a pussy magnet. Also he’s the drummer for Poison. He’d have better luck saying he still lives with his parents. It works for me. Okay, not really but, one day it will. As soon as my mom stops making me wear my retainer to the bar. I got a beer can stuck in it the other day for crying out loud. The ladies don’t want to make out with a face full of Beast Ice. No matter how much chapstick you cover it up with. (Read: two tubes.)

Ashley Alexandra Dupre’s business is booming. But this time not in her pantalones. Donald Trump has made an offer to Ashley for her to appear on a new untitled reality show set to air on MTV, according to People:

Based on a British show called Ladette to Lady, the show will take a group of 15 hard-partying young women and send them off to a boarding school environment where they’ll learn to become more ladylike.
“She’s the perfect candidate,” the show insider says of Dupré, the 22-year-old at the center of the Gov. Eliot Spitzer prostitution scandal. The show has not yet heard back from Dupré with any reaction to the offer.

Only in America can a hooker that caused the demise of a powerful political figure become a reality TV star. Somewhere in the afterlife, Ben Franklin is plowing a chick in a Viking helmet with tears in his eyes. Our little country is everything he dreamed it could be – which almost makes up for the lack of gravy in heaven. They don’t tell you that part in the Bible. Jerks.

George Clooney’s girlfriend Sarah Larson looks prim and proper on the red carpet, but these pics that surfaced of her go-go dancer days in Vegas say otherwise. Taken just before she met the Clooney in July, these photos show Sarah getting her drunk on in a bikini and practically doing a guy in the middle of a dance club. I’m not saying George Clooney knows how to pick ‘em, but this is a girl you take home to mom. Then have sex with in the linen closet. Ah, sweet romance.

Gisele Bundchen helped launch the Vogue Eyewear Play Everyday Campaign in Ibiza, Spain. I’ve never been a big fan of Gisele. Something about her face normally suggests she used to be named Tim. That said, she is looking all kinds of sexy in these pics. In fact, I’m so sure her ass could cure cancer, I’ve sent my findings to the brain-children at Johns Hopkins.

UPDATE: This just in: Scientists at Johns Hopkins declare Gisele Bundchen’s butt is the miracle cure for cancer. Claim to have never spoken to The Superficial Writer. But do, however, have medical records that can prove he has world’s tiniest testicles, if he opens his yap. For reals, no jokes.

Let’s say you’re Aubrey O’Day (yellow dress) of Danity Kane. You’ve got a hit CD and a huge performance last night at Opera Nightclub in Hollywood. Who do you show up with? She figured “How do you lose with Jenna Jameson?” Makes sense in a retarded sort of way. Anyway, Aubrey was also recently hanging out with Kim Kardashian, so maybe she’s looking into adult films. If Jenna Jameson is, finally, passing the torch to Aubrey O’Day, tell the Elders of Porn they have my vote. *RAWR* Sorry, pal, I didn’t want to speak for all of us. Make that two votes – counting my wiener.

Kate Bosworth knows how to tackle tough scenes – with gallons upon gallons of booze. As if chasing after my own heart, Kate talked to People about how she handled her love scene with Jim Sturgess in their new movie 21:

“We were both so drunk,” the Superman Returns star said. “Jim and I became such good friends, we decided to have a couple of drinks, loosen up and go for it.”

Jim Sturgess doesn’t even remember doing the scene:

“We were on Grey Goose, I think,” said the British actor. “It was brilliant for about half and an hour. As we continued to drink … it just became sloppy and messy. I couldn’t stand up at one point.”

So, wait, getting shit-faced and falling over is technically considered acting? Damn, where’s my Oscar? I don’t remember anything since 2003. Hey, where’d this wedding band come from? And who this little kid by my desk? Somebody fetch my whiskey mug so I can sort this out. *sips* Much better. Now I can get back to what I do best: typing with my forehead. *bang bang bang* Britney’s vagina *bang bang bang* Holy crap, boobs!

And that’s the story of how The Superficial Writer does his job. The End.

Hulk Hogan was spotted last night in Hollywood with a young man-chinned woman with implants. Naturally, everyone thought it was Brooke. But it was the Hulkster’s date. Yikes! It’s an honest mistake really. I mean, If it looks like a duck and has fake tits like a duck, it’s probably a duck that looks like your daughter and you should seek therapy TODAY.

Video of the paps mistaking Hulk’s date for Brooke after the jump.

Paris Hilton was apparently asked to help judge the Miss Turkey contest yesterday. One of the contestants brought Paris onstage to do some belly dancing and it would’ve been entertaining if Paris didn’t try to pull off her club dance moves on a well-lit stage. Have you ever been to the bar sober and watched chicks dance? It’s literally that awkward. I’ve seen sexier moves from a paraplegic wombat.

Simona Fusco Stratten apparently decided to air off her boobs while vacationing in Hawaii. Clearly those things were burning up because, damn, I’m sorry Kim Kardashian lovers, but there is all kinds of things right with this woman. And not because Simona flashed her jubilees like the sea water is the antidote. Which makes pretty much makes her a shining beacon of inspiration. I mean, Jesus is sitting in heaven right now going “And, fuck, I just got served. Way to be, JC.”

Big thanks to Roy who saw boobs and knew to contact a real expert. Then eventually me when that guy didn’t get back to him.

NOTE: First four pics are NSFW because of the wind in the boobage.

Janice Dickinson risked life and emaciated limb yesterday by venturing out into the daylight (Nosferatu’s natural enemy) to get a a manicure at a Bevery Hills nail spa. For those of you wondering what’s in Janice’s cleavage, it’s her cell phone. Where does the sexy end and the woman begin? Am I right? Back me up, fellas.

Christina Aguilera and her husband Jordan Bratman spent a quiet evening together shopping at Babies R Us last night. Judging by their outfits, they headed home for a night of some kinky role-playing. Christina is, obviously, a 1930′s paperboy who took too much estrogen. While Jordan is, I’m guessing, Frank Zappa’s mutant love child – who he fathered with a three-toed sloth named Cocoa. Married people are weird.

Christina Aguilera and her husband Jordan Bratman spent a quiet evening together shopping at Babies R Us last night. Judging by their outfits, they headed home for a night of some kinky role-playing. Christina is, obviously, a 1930′s paperboy who took too much estrogen. While Jordan is, I’m guessing, Frank Zappa’s mutant love child – who he fathered with a three-toed sloth named Cocoa. Married people are weird.

These are shots of Mariah Carey looking banging as she leaves Gotham Hall in New York City after performing on last night’s The Hills. Just months ago she was unveiling the new “Jury Duty” postage stamp and now she’s on The Hills. I think it’s time for Mariah Carey to look for a new career because this one has been officially super-fucked into the toilet. Ha ha, The Hills. What’s next, Rock of Love? Hold on. Bret Michaels just kicked in my door. No, I wasn’t talking shit about your show. And stay out of my eyeliner! Freaking mooch.

Mariah performing her new single “Touch My Body” on The Hills after the jump.

Having kids is big business in Hollywood these days. Jennifer Lopez nabbed $6 million for exclusive photos of her twin spawns of Skeletor. Barry Levine of the National Enquirer is telling Page Six that Angelina Jolie could score as high as 10 million smackers for pictures of her baby which looks like it’s ready to Tomb Raider it’s way out:

“It’s become big business now,” Levine said. “It’s outrageous, they’ve gotten very sophisticated. The rights are bought up now even before the celeb enters the hospital. They hire extra security so it’s impossible to obtain a photo illegally.”
Levine said stars now realize that having a child is “akin to getting a role in a movie.” And the glossies don’t mind paying because they recoup the money over time with magazine sales, Web hits, and by re-selling the photos overseas.

Any lady celebs out there looking to make a quick book, I’ve got a wiener. I’m just saying.

UPDATE: Major backfire. Within five minutes Rosie O’Donnell and Britney Spears showed up in my front yard and started duking it out. It’s sort of like that scene in King Kong when Kong fights the T-Rex. Except Rosie is way more hairy, Britney isn’t a sexy thunder lizard and, when it’s all over, I’ll be crying as my pelvis gets turned into a fine powder. Mommy!

Heidi Montag is launching her new fashion line. It’s called Heidiwood (Not even touching that.) and will debut next month. In the meantime, Heidi needs nine girls that look like her to help model the clothes. Although, judging by Heidi’s chin, dudes are probably welcome as well. Us Magazine has the details about the line which is like so better than Lauren’s and junk:

“Lauren’s line is not necessarily something I would wear,” she told Us Weekly. “She’s trying a high-fashion thing, but it’s a little overpriced. Mine is fun and flirty for the everyday woman. Most people can’t afford $200 for one dress.”

Note to self: Show up to Heidi’s fashion show. Act like douche. Score vapid blondes with fake tits. If douche-nozzling is not achieving success resort to fail-safe plan: Dollar bill hung out of fly. Shoot fish in barrel. End note.

For those of you interested in applying, here’s a link to the contest. And also here’s my phone number 1-800-LZR-DONG.

Thanks to Sara who apparently has a pointy tail.

The Britney Spears media juggernaut has finally come to a screeching halt. The paps have moved on to a new target who would land us all in jail if she flashed her hoo-ha. The NY Daily News reports:

“Over the weekend, there were less than a half dozen covering Britney” despite her imminent sitcom debut on “How I Met Your Mother,” says BuzzFoto founder Brad Elterman. “Yet there were 30 in the pack covering Miley Cyrus. Most of them were Britney regulars, but they want something new and fresh. It’s moved on to Miley.”

Somewhere Adnan Ghalib just bought a Hannah Montana poster. Only to be stabbed by a scimitar wielded by Sam Lutfi. Who was then shot by Indiana Jones. Who just wanted to know which aisle the stool softeners are in but decided to ask with bullets. Aww. Old people are freaking adorable. I should get one for around the house.

Richie Sambora was arrested for DUI and is now staring down the barrel of charges for child endangerment since he brilliantly decided to drive drunk with his 10-year-old daughter Ava in the car. Also in the car was another minor and an unidentified woman. Scope out Heather Locklear’s response when notified of the arrest, according to TMZ:

And, police sources say, after Sambora was busted, the cops called Heather Locklear, Ava’s mom. We’re told Heather authorized the woman in the car to drive her daughter home.

Okay, your ex-husband just get picked up driving drunk with your daughter in the car. Most mothers would’ve rushed to the scene and picked up their child. Heather Locker says, “Eh, just let some chick drive her home.” Damn, she’s hot and lazy. It’s almost like we were made for each other. Heather, will you marry me? I promise not to leave you for Denise Richards. Unless I could somehow pull it off without leaving the couch….