These are the latest batch from Heidi Montag’s posed-as-all-hell bikini shoot. I’m actually impressed that her chest balloons didn’t glide her right off the balcony and out to sea. Clearly, this proves there is no God or at the very least he doesn’t hear my prayers. Time for a new tactic: Voodoo. Now that’s some reliable shit. Okay, anyone got a Barbie doll I can borrow/dip in acid? Joker from Batman, you still on here? Call me, son. You know my digits.

natural beauty (adj.) - 1: The morning light through a bottle of beer. 2: Mila Kunis no matter what the fuck she’s doing. I mean, here she is pumping gas today and now I get aroused whenever someone mentions Exxon. 3: Polar opposite of Heidi Montag.

A house that’s in the center of a court battle between 50 Cent and Shaniqua Tompkins, the mother of his son Marquise, suspiciously went up in flames early this morning. Shaniqua is saying the fire was attempted murder and she distinctly heard someone in the house before the fire, according to TMZ:

The lawyer for 50 Cent’s baby mama, Shaniqua Tompkins, tells TMZ that she heard “someone” come into the house this morning at 4 AM, shortly before the fire broke out around a hour later.
Paul Catsandonis, Shaniqua’s lawyer, tells us that his client is “traumatized” by the fire and that the kids are similarly in total shock. Six people, including Tompkins and their 10-year-old son Marquise, were in the house. They all were transported to the hospital and treated for smoke inhalation.

The house was allegedly promised to Shaniqua by 50 until he decided to put her and his son Marquise on the street. The AP reports:

Tompkins filed a lawsuit against 50 earlier this year claiming he had promised her a house more than a decade ago, but that since their breakup, he now wants to evict her and their 10-year-old son from the home.
Tompkins’ lawyer, Paul Catsandonis, told The Associated Press in a telephone interview that the dispute over the house had become “extremely, extremely contentious” in recent days. Although he declined to be specific, he said there was an “extremely dangerous incident” Monday in his Manhattan office while taking a deposition for the lawsuit.

And by “extremely dangerous incident,” Shaniqua’s lawyer meant 50 yelled “Bitch, I’ll burn that house down with you in it at exactly 4 A.M. Friday May 30, 2008. But first, you’ll hear someone break in and shit and you’ll be all, ‘Aw no, what’s happenin’?’ And it’ll be me burning down this particular house in the middle of our highly publicized court battle. But ain’t no one’s gonna know it was me! Ha! In da house. 50 out. The fucks’ the elevator. I hate stairs!”

PEABODY AWARD WINNING POST FOR MOST ACCURATE TRANSCRIPTION OF LEGALESE: THE SUPERFICIAL

These are images of Katie Holmes as she moved to New York City this week to prepare for her role in the Broadway production of All My Sons. And looking into those eyes, I’ve now seen the depths of crazy. Dammit, she used to be hot! Tom Cruise has gone way, way too far. Someone’s gotta do something about this and I’m looking at you, Beckhams. One of you, David, needs to take one for the team while the other, Victoria, spirits Katie to safety. The double meaning of taking “one for the team” goes without saying because it’s butt sex with Tom Cruise.

UPDATE: I just received the following e-mail from Tom Cruise. Presented here in it’s entirety:

Yeah, all that stuff. The team stuff. Make that stuff happen. I’ll pay you in Tom Cruise dollars. When Xenu is defeated in an intergalactic chariot race by yours truly, my money will be worth money! No foolin’.

Heil me!
T.C.

p.s. I’m smiling right now - Tom Cruise style! (That’s T.C. talk for “pants-free.” He he, I’m naughty!)”

My job is so friggin’ weird…

While our constant vigil of Kim Kardashian’s buttpad raged on, rumors started spreading that Angelina Jolie birthed her litter today. People has the official word from Angelina’s rep that these rumors are false:

“Angelina has not given birth. She is fine, enjoying her home and her family in France,” a rep for the actress tells PEOPLE.

So, in summary, Angelina Jolie did not give birth which means Brad Pitt is, presently, not having sex with her to “kick that baby train into warp speed.” His words, not mine. Okay, you caught me; It was Clooney. Right after I beat him in the Sexiest Man Alive contest. True story.

Kim Kardashian has taken umbrage with my clearly scientific debate regarding her buttpads. Check out her latest blog entry (NOTE: I took the liberty of un-editing all the a–’s. My replacements in italics.):

OMG! When will people get off my atrium, literally! Haha. I have said it a million times before and I’ll say it again: My booty is as real as the designer items I’m auctioning off on eBay.
The reason I bring this up is because those jokesters at the Superficial claimed that I wear foam panties. NOT TRUE! (And I don’t stuff ‘em with Charmin either).
I think my photo shoots clearly prove I don’t wear butt pads!
To all you non-believers at the Superficial, kiss my REAL and GORGEOUS amphitheater!
XOXO,
Kim

I’ve accepted Kim’s challenge and included the Ralph Lauren photo shoot she presents as proof of her natural assy-ness. Now on to the scrutiny!

Set 1: You’re either making the most valid argument in the history of debate or really have to pee. Analysis: Inconclusive.

Set 2: Do that underwear thing again. I can’t research in these conditions. Analysis: BOO!

Set 3: Ha! Mirrors don’t fool me. You’ve been hanging out with Criss Angel, haven’t you? Bad, Kim Kardashian! Bad! Analysis: Not convinced.

Set 4: Okay, now you’re just sitting on your butt. If you’re not going to take this thing seriously, I’m taking off my pants. Analysis: I need me a gypsy tent.

Set 5: Nipples will only get you everywhere. Analysis: Whatever she says is true.

Set 6: Are you trying to knock down that wall? No, wait, you gotta pee again. Lady, go easy on the Aquafina. Christ. Analysis: What were we talking about again? If it’s boobs, I’m all over it.

DIAGNOSIS: BUTTPAD!
Sorry, Kim, but hey, I’m a reasonable guy. You can invite me over to your house and we’ll make some science. Namely through the time-tested method of my hands/your butt.* But, remember, it’s all for the children. Those sweet, sweet children that I should probably wrangle up. Anyone got a net?

*Tears of joy emitted from The Superficial Writer do not invalidate claims of buttpad’s presence. The Superficial Writer also reserves the right to free said buttpad and use it as a decorative throw pillow in a room of his choosing. Buttpad may also double as a frisbee. Whee!

Britney Spears is “not yet fit” to participate in court hearings regarding her conservatorship. To bring everyone up to speed, after Brit’s second trip to Crazytown Mental Ward, her father Jamie was placed in control of her estate and is actually doing a bang-up job. Britney’s attorney Samuel Ingham spent 90 minutes yesterday talking to Commissioner Reva Goetz, according to the AP:

Ingham told the court afterward that Spears’ medical condition is “fluid” because her treatment is changing.
Spears’ probate case is scheduled to go to trial July 31, but Ingham said it could be “harmful” for her to participate. Goetz agreed and said Spears’ diagnosis is not complete.

Just so I have this straight: Britney is unable to hear about her finances, but is allowed to have sex with her agent. Is Jamie Spears making sure her vagina stays open for the summer? If so, smart move what with it being vacation season and all. There’s never a more bonding experience than packing up the fam in a camper and visiting our national parks and vaginas. God bless Jamie Spears.

Steven Tyler is claiming his recent stint in rehab was only to recover from foot surgery and not drug and/or alcohol related. Did I miss a memo about it being Celebrity Bullshit Excuses for Rehab Week? Jesus. Anyway, for those of you who actually care about Aerosmith, here’s Steven’s formal statement to People:

“The doctors told me the pain in my feet could be corrected but it would require a few surgeries over time,” Tyler says in a statement released Thursday. “The ‘foot repair’ pain was intense, greater than I’d anticipated. The months of rehabilitative care and the painful strain of physical therapy were traumatic. I really needed a safe environment to recuperate where I could shut off my phone and get back on my feet. Make no mistake, Aerosmith has no plans to stop rocking. There’s a new album to record, then another tour.”

Foot surgery? Give me a break. Why couldn’t he just say it was depression? Oh, right, Kirsten Dunst used that… Why couldn’t he just say it was foot surgery?

Coming in from so far out of left-field I thought it was a football is Sarah McLachlan in a bikini. I gotta admit I fostered a secret crush on Ms. McLachlan seen here vacationing in Maui. In college my computer was loaded with MP3’s of her songs in case I ever tricked seduced a girl into my dorm room for some makin’ out. Sadly, that dream never transpired. It would’ve been better than ice cream! See? I even remember the words. Now, what’s it take for me to touch a boob? I’ll even be romantic about it. (Read: Not yell “Yippee!” then immediately write in my online journal.)

Honest Injun, heeding your cries, I’ve been exercising a moratorium on Heidi and Spencer’s horribly retarded candid (but really posed) shots. However, drastic times call for drastic measures. And I’d like to point you to the two drastic measures above. I’m going to step away from my keyboard now because I never type angry/aroused. *SMASH!* Shiiiit, I just knocked over my cubicle. Geekologist, are you alright? I was editing Heidi photos and- Hey! Eyes up here, bud. Nothing technological going on down there. That’s simply nature. And, okay, plutonium.

Mariah Carey threw out the opening pitch at the Yomiuri Giants vs Rakuten Eagles match at the Tokyo Dome yesterday, and let’s just say it was the most impressive display of baseball I’ve ever seen in my life. Lord knows why she became a singer and not a professional pitcher. Seriously though, you’d think she would’ve prepared a little before showing up. It’s like instead of practicing throwing balls, she decided to just break both her arms to make sure they wouldn’t function correctly. She could’ve dropped the ball and sort of nudged it with her foot and it would’ve been just as impressive.

Coming in from so far out of left-field I thought it was a football is Sarah McLachlan in a bikini. I gotta admit I fostered a secret crush on Ms. McLachlan seen here vacationing in Maui. In college my computer was loaded with MP3’s of her songs in case I ever tricked seduced a girl into my dorm room for some makin’ out. Sadly, that dream never transpired. It would’ve been better than ice cream! See? I even remember the words. Now, what’s it take for me to touch a boob? I’ll even be romantic about it. (Read: Not yell “Yippee!” then immediately write in my online journal.)

After making out on P. Diddy’s boat, everyone knows the next step in a same-sex relationship is to introduce your families. But make sure the making out on Diddy’s boat happens first. Otherwise you’re doomed from the get-go. Fortunately, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson know how this crazy game called “Love” works. People reports:

The duo – who are “together,” a source says in the new issue of PEOPLE – were spotted Wednesday afternoon lunching with Ronson’s writer-mom, Ann Dexter-Jones and Lohan’s sister Ali, 14, at the Italian restaurant Gino’s on Manhattan’s Upper East Side.
Throughout the meal, the group engaged in a spirited session of girl talk, the source adds.

I love how Ali walks around in these photos trying to cover her face with her hair, and it’s not because of Lindsay. She’s only 14 and has no clue what a frisb-ian is. Ali’s just hoping no one recognizes her from her mom’s show Living Lohan. So, who wants to tell Ali she has a better chance getting attacked by a real live leprechaun? And not just because Tom Cruise is in town. Hi-oh! I’ll be here all week, folks.

Pulling a page from the Michael Jackson playbook, Clay Aiken has knocked up a woman - but without dealing with her “icky parts.” The mother-to-be is a record producer in her late-40’s that has worked on several of Clay’s albums. TMZ has the breaking news:

Multiple sources tell us the mother is Jaymes Foster, a record producer and Clay’s best friend. He lives at her home when he’s in L.A.
We’re told Foster, who produced several Aiken CDs, is due in August. She’s the sister of record mogul David Foster. We’re told she’s in her late 40’s, though we could not confirm her exact age. She divorced a few years back and has no kids. Aiken is 29.
We’re told Foster was artificially inseminated. But Clay is a lot more than sperm — we’re told he will have an active role in raising the child.

Clay Aiken often tries to play down the rumors that he’s gay. But you know what works against that? Knocking up a chick without having vaginal intercourse. That’s sort of the man-meat and potatoes, if you will, of being straight. If a guy is going to be stuck with a kid for the rest of his life, he oughta at least have a story to tell involving whiskey and a trucker named Mabel. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to post-date a child support check. How do you spell “January 2020?”

Many of you have probably heard that Dunkin’ Donuts pulled an ad featuring Rachael Ray because she looks “too Arab-y.” Apparently, her scarf set the right-wing blogs a-buzzing who decided to wage war on my beloved Dunkin’ until they pulled the ad. Bloodied and beaten, the purveyors of sweet fried bread that fuel my morning gave in, according to the Boston Globe:

The Canton-based company has abruptly canceled an ad in which the domestic diva wears a scarf that looks like a keffiyeh, a traditional headdress worn by Arab men. Some observers, including ultra-conservative Fox News commentator Michelle Malkin, were so incensed by the ad that there was even talk of a Dunkin’ Donuts boycott.
‘‘The keffiyeh, for the clueless, is the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad,’’ Malkin yowls in her syndicated column.
‘‘Popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos, the apparel has been mainstreamed by both ignorant and not-so-ignorant fashion designers, celebrities, and left-wing icons.’’

Dunkin’ Deeznuts issued the following statement after pulling the terror-inducing ad. (Holy shit, she’s got a latte! Duck!):

Said the suits in a statement: ‘‘In a recent online ad, Rachael Ray is wearing a black-and-white silk scarf with a paisley design. It was selected by her stylist for the advertising shoot. Absolutely no symbolism was intended. However, given the possibility of misperception, we are no longer using the commercial.’’

The only jihad that scarf makes me want to commit is against my hangover - with sweet caffeine. And if that’s not American, shit, I don’t know what is. That said, I’ll assume for their next commercial Rachael Ray, clad in the Stars and Stripes, will fire an AK at a Boston Creme - then dump scalding hot lattes on a gay wedding. Wow, I should work in advertising. I would sell stuff’s face off.

Thanks to BK for the “hot tip.” Get it? Hot? Like coffee. Comedy!

Bill Murray’s wife of more than 10 years, Jennifer Murray, filed a complaint in court against the actor. She alleges he physically assaulted her and suffers from severe drug and alcohol addictions. She’s citing the complaint as grounds for divorce and is also seeking to have their prenuptial agreement nullified because of Bill’s abusive behavior. The Charleston Post and Courier reports:

According to the complaint, Jennifer Murray moved into a Sullivan’s Island home in 2006 with the couple’s four children due to her husband’s “adultery, addiction to marijuana and alcohol, abusive behavior, physical abuse, sexual addictions and frequent abandonment.”

Jennifer also provided details of the times Bill assaulted her, including an incident where he allegedly hit her in the face and then told her she was lucky he didn’t kill her:

It was at the Sullivan’s Island home, according to the complaint, that Murray allegedly abused his wife in November 2007. The six-page court filing says Murray “hit his wife in the face and then told her she was ‘lucky he didn’t kill her.’ “

It’s always awesome when jackass celebrity wife-beaters suddenly think they’re nefarious super-villains: “Yeah, see, I could kill you and get away with it. So wise up, yeah.” Let’s take a moment to thank O.J. for this advance in domestic abuse. And by thank I mean hope he gets herpes. In the meantime, how big of an A-hole is Bill Murray? Assuming any of this turns out to be true, I’m leaning towards colossal.

UPDATE: TMZ has a statement from Bill Murray’s lawyer: “Bill Murray is deeply saddened by the dissolution of his marriage to Jennifer. Mr. and Mrs. Murray remain loving parents, committed to the best interests of their children. Mr. Murray asks that the public respect his family’s privacy at this difficult time.” I’m not a lawyer, but shouldn’t they have denied the allegations?

George Clooney has apparently decided to heed the advice of a mystery caller and kicked girlfriend Sarah Larson to the curb, according to a source for People:

Larson, 29, and Clooney, 47, made their public debut together at the Venice and Deauville film festivals last September. Later that month, the twosome were injured in a motorcycle accident.
Earlier this year, Larson accompanied Clooney to the Oscars – the first girlfriend ever to go with him to the event.

Sarah Larson is quite the party girl, but George Clooney is looking for someone that’s more his style. And that style would be young, hot, adventurous and evaporates after exactly 87 rounds of intercourse. Unfortunately, Sarah not only stuck around way past 100 but had the audacity to suggest George should buy an ottoman. An ottoman? Why don’t you just call his mother a whore while you’re at it, lady? Sheesh. Some nerve…

While this comes as a shock to absolutely no one, Ashlee and Pete Wentz finally confirmed they have a bun in the oven last night on their website FriendsOrEnemies.com:

“While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child. This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family.”

- Pete and Ashlee Wentz

This news confirms that their asshat video about making a baby was, in fact, a sad indicator of the future. Super duper. I’m overjoyed for their unborn fetus. Go ahead and take a good look at your father, kid. I believe there’s a technical term for your situation. What was it again? Oh, right: UNBELIEVABLY FUCKED. Best of luck to you, Baby Wentz.

Sarah Jessica Parker and the girls dazzled New York last night at the premiere of Sex and the City: The Movie. And by dazzled I mean these broads look ridiculous. For a show that’s about fashion you’d figure they’d at least look somewhat hot and not like my high school prom if everyone was 40. All that said, I present to you, for your mocking pleasure, the lovable characters of Sex and the City: HorseFace, Slutty Cougar, The One Who Used to Be Hot Five Years Ago and Does it Matter?

Enjoy!

Apparently, Amy Winehouse will open her door and autograph random objects for children. In this case, a copy of Donkey Kong Jungle Beat for the GameCube. Awesome. So not only are this kid’s parents stupid enough to let him near Impetigo Face, but they won’t even spring for a Wii. When he grows a third arm after this encounter, they’ll be sorry. In the meantime, tell me that’s not a precious face. It practically screams “Mummy, I can feel me eyes burning!” Which, coincidentally, is what happened moments later. Ha ha! Kids are hilarious.

The Kim Kardashian buttpad issue has resulted in tons of e-mail. One in particular is from a reader who allegedly works in the modeling industry and says that padded underwear is not uncommon. So, pretty much, we’ve all been drooling over foam panties. I, honestly, don’t have a problem with that. Here’s what Izzy has to say:

She’s 5′3 with 39-40 inch hips, she’s NOT fat, has a small waist and Huge curves specifically on her breast and butt. All natural? I don’t think so. I do some modeling and I know side angles can do wonders for your butt but this girl has implants and I’ve seen many here in Miami. It’s almost as common as getting your boobs done, they also sell padded underwear with silicone inserts who want to go even larger.

She wears fake lashes and heavy makeup,so she strikes me as the type of person who’s very much into her physical appearance. So my honest opinion is that she’s had work done to her top and bottom but in all fairness a lot of people get plastic surgery,if it makes them happy, go for it.

Reading between the lines and pulling from my own ass(!), Kim Kardashian’s butt is more or less a philosophical issue. If you want it to be a sign of her girth, then peace be with you. If you want it to be the zenith of ass awesomeness, then peace be with you and, also, don’t touch anything on my desk. In fact, here’s some hand sanitizer. You go now.

Kristen Bell loves her some hockey. And on top of that she loves her some hockey players. The hell she’s doing with Dax Sheppard is beyond me. She chatted with NHL.com yesterday and declared her preference for a high-sticker over low-sticker Brad Pitt*:

NHL.com: If you could meet any hockey player, who would you meet and why?
KB: Chris Osgood was my first crush. Brad Pitt be damned, he had nothing on Osgood’s rookie skill and sad eyes. There was actually a day in high school when I wrote on a name tag ‘Mrs. Osgood’ and wore it the whole day. I really thought we were perfect for each other. I’d love to meet him and probably apologize that things never worked out.

Then Kristen made the interview even spicier by talking about herself in a Catholic schoolgirl outfit. [insert sizzling sound here]:

NHL.com: What is your favorite hockey memory?
KB: My parents submitted a picture of me, in my catholic school uniform, with my arms around the Stanley Cup. It ended up on the ticket for Game 2 of the Stanley Cup Semifinals.

Dear Kristen Bell,

I played a lot of Ice Hockey on the NES back in the day - and did I mention Blades of Steel? I’ll be waiting patiently while you strip out of your clothes and lustfully ice skate into my arms.

Yours truly,
The Superficial Writer

*Oh yeah, I went there.

Ashlee Simpson is officially Ashlee Wentz. In a move destined to doom her even further into obscurity than her music career already has, Ashlee felt it wise to take on the name of her new husband - seen here with a plate over his face. He did get my letters! People reports:

Pete Wentz says he left the name change decision to his wife. “These decisions with Ashlee and her name are all completely up to Ashlee,” Wentz says. “I want her to do these kinds of things the way she wants to do them.”
Still, he admits, he was flattered. “Oh man, I was like upgrade me! You know what I’m saying? The Wentz family, our Christmas card just got upgraded!” he says. “It feels insane. It feels unreal.”

For those of you unable to zoom in, or with poor vision, Pete’s paper plate mask reads “Your ad could be here. E-mail Jon@Douchebag.com.” When I read something like that and hear Pete say “Upgrade me!,” I can’t help but feel overjoyed that these two reproduced. (Side note: I express joy through punching. Vigorous punching.) Now where’s the happy couple? I’ve got some brass joy I can’t wait to share with them. Ha ha! So happy!

Kirsten Dunst opened up to E! Online’s Mark Malkin about her recent trip to Cirque Lodge. Turns out it wasn’t for the drinky; she was depressed. She also denied rumors that she’s dating Ryan Gosling. So, basically, after admitting she suffers from depression, E! made her confess to being lonely and emerging from her trailer at night to feed on the young. Okay, maybe not that last part. Here’s the details:

“I didn’t go to Cirque Lodge for alcohol abuse or drug abuse,” Dunst tells me exclusively during a lunch break on All Good Things. “I went there for depression.
“It was a good six months before I decided to go away,” Dunst says. “I was struggling, and I had the opportunity to go somewhere and take care of myself. I was fortunate to have the resources to do it. My friends and family thought it was a good idea, too. But I didn’t know where to go. My doctor recommended Cirque Lodge.”

How can you be sad while you’re drinking? That’s scientifically impossible. Back me up, Geekologie Writer. And, also, put on some pants. I don’t want people thinking we coordinated outfits again.

As some of you may have heard, Sharon Stone once again opened her mouth again and said some retarded shit. This time around, she chalked up the recent earthquake in China (which killed Tibetans and Chinese) as “bad karma.” The AP reports:

“I’m not happy about the way the Chinese are treating the Tibetans because I don’t think anyone should be unkind to anyone else,” Stone said Thursday during a Cannes Film Festival red-carpet interview with Hong Kong’s Cable Entertainment News. “And then this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and then I thought, is that karma? When you’re not nice that the bad things happen to you?”

Wow. Now that’s the kind of crazy only a post-menopausal woman could unleash. At any rate, Sharon’s movies are now barred from the largest theater chain in China effective immediately:

Ng See-Yuen, founder of the UME Cineplex chain and the chairman of the Federation of Hong Kong Filmmakers, called Stone’s comments “inappropriate,” adding that actors should not bring personal politics to comments about a natural disaster that has left five million Chinese homeless, according to The Hollywood Reporter.

That would be an awesome punishment except for the fact that Sharon Stone was banned from movies forever after making Basic Instinct 2: Hey, Remember my Vagina? True story.