Suddenly, Jennifer Aniston’s nipple sonar went off: Somebody was popping nips and their names wasn’t Jennifer Aniston.

And then it happened: Jennifer Aniston’s assistant, clearly gone suicidal, attempted to block the nipples with her purse. Her body would later be found in a sand dune on a Mexican beach. The police deduced the culprit’s identity by the two punctures wound in the back, but who would dare prosecute? Anyone worth their badge knew you didn’t go after the nipples. Not in this town. Not in any town…

Jamie Spears will continue his conservatorship of Britney until the end of the year. The commissioner extended Jamie’s control of Britney’s estate during a hearing this afternoon, but left it open to early termination. (Read: Once Britney can put on her clothes like a big girl, she gets her bank account back.) E! Online reports:

“Regarding the conservatorship of the person, I understand that Ms. Spears is reluctantly agreeing to extend those letters,” Goetz said. “We are extending them until Dec. 31, 2008.”
A status hearing for the extended order has been set for Oct. 28.

My sources tell me Britney’s reluctance was easily won over when her dad promised her a pony. Except after the hearing he said “Just kidding” and took her to the dentist.

Rihanna hit the clubs last night in New York City and apparently decided to fly sans bra. These pics might be considered LSFW depending on your boss’ vision. If he clearly sees nipples, that man’s in the wrong line of work and should be a goddamn Army sniper. I’ve been staring at these things for hours like it’s a Magic Eye picture. So far all I’ve seen is a tugboat, two polar bears kissing and Edgar Winter.

Hey, remember this guy? Sam Lutfi a.k.a. Douchebeard McDrugYourDrinks. Well, it turns out the restraining order requiring him to stay 250 yards away from Britney Spears expires today. The order will not be renewed, but Britney’s lawyer issued the following public statement to Douchebeard letting him know what the fuck’s up. The AP reports:

“Britney has made clear to everyone that she does not want to be further harassed or contacted in any way by Osama ‘Sam’ Lutfi, now or at anytime in the future,” Spears’ attorney Samuel D. Ingham III said in a statement to The Associated Press.
“During the temporary conservatorship, the conservators have the power to insure that Lutfi will not harm Britney anymore. If Mr. Lutfi makes any future attempt to contact Britney after the temporary conservatorship has concluded, Britney has made clear she will take all appropriate legal action.”

Did Britney really make it clear she’ll “take all appropriate legal action”? I doubt she knows what one of those words even mean. Here’s a more likely scenario: “If Mr. Lutfi attempts to contact Britney, Britney will take actions including, but not limited to, sticking a bucket of KFC over her head then running into a wall. Britney also reserves the right to say ‘Whoop whoop whoop whoop!’ prior to impact.”

New York Yankee Alex “A-Rod” Rodriguez’s lawyers responded to Cynthia Rodriguez’s divorce petition today. Cynthia was asking for “the couple’s $12 million waterfront estate and ‘equitable distribution’ of all assets acquired during the marriage.” Except she signed a prenup which A-Rod is sticking to. He’s also pushing to have allegations of extramarital affairs stricken from the record because Florida is a no-fault divorce state making the claims “immaterial and impertinent.” Also, he doesn’t want it legally documented that he banged Madonna. NY Daily News reports:

Rodriguez, whose 10-year, $275 million contract with the Yankees makes him baseball’s highest-paid player, says several times in the response he wants the prenup enforced.
“Husband denies any duty to support wife beyond those obligations specifically set out in the parties’ prenuptial agreement,” the papers say. What those terms are wasn’t immediately known, but apparently they don’t suit Cynthia. If he has to go to court to fight her challenge to the prenup and wins, he says he’s entitled to recover from his wife any “reasonable attorney’s fees and costs” he incurs.

It sounds like A-Rod doesn’t fuck around. Not counting all those strippers and the Crypt Keeper.

Here’s Jessica Alba out and about yesterday rocking a chest that says “Yes, I did recently squeeze a tiny person out of my pelvis. Thank you for asking.” Which, honestly, almost made me consider Jessica Alba a captivating individual. Keyword being: Almost.

Ali Lohan is trying to start an acting career just like her big sister Lindsay. In her haste to get on the silver screen and fund her mother’s gin addiction, Ali attended a casting call for porn director Peter Davy. Granted, he’s getting ready to shoot a mainstream horror film that doesn’t make the situation any less sad and hilarious. TMZ reports:

Ali Lohan’s rep tells us the girl had no idea that Peter Davy was behind such classics as “Breast Wishes 14″ and “Bun Busters 12.” Sources tell us the meeting was actually set up by Ali’s agent.

Dina Lohan is, of course, feigning outrage for the press, but behind closed doors, it’s a different story: “Ali, I know you’re your own person, but Lindsay - God, I miss that little coke mule - would’ve lied about her age and knocked out the rent for mommy. I’m just sayin’.”

A recent Snickers commercial starring Mr. T that aired in the UK was pulled after complaints from the United States that the ad was offensive to homosexuals. It hadn’t even aired here in the States, but it featured Mr. T firing a Gatling gun full of Snickers at a speedwalker. The Human Rights Campaign surprisingly interpreted this as “homophobic” instead of “totally fucking awesome.” Mars, the maker of Snickers, caved, but not before basically insulting America’s lack of a sense of a humor. The Daily Mail reports:

A spokesman for Mars said: ‘This ad is the second in a series of UK Snickers ads featuring Mr T, which are meant to be fun and have been positively received in the UK.
‘However, we understand that humour is highly subjective, and it is never our intention to cause offence. Accordingly, we have pulled the Mr T speedwalker ad globally.’

I’m pretty liberal, and even I think this is some bull to the shit. First off, Mr. T mounting a machine gun on a pickup is as American as apple pie made with bald eagle crust. Second, the ad’s not homophobic. It simply warns people of all walks of life about the lameness of speedwalking while simultaneously promoting the firearm capabilities of chocolate-covered peanuts and nougat. In fact, I’m sure gay men will love it because, at the end, Mr. T professes his love of nuts.

UPDATE: Here’s a statement from T himself:
“Mr. T thinks everyone should put their penis wherever they want without discriminatory jibba-jibba and pities the fool who says otherwise. [Due to a hectic schedule forging confectionery-themed attack vehicles, Mr. T kindly requests you punch yourself in your own face then flex for emphasis.]”

Video after the jump.

Thanks to Craig who took a Mallomar to the hip back in Nam.

These are shots of Leonardo DiCaprio’s on/off girlfriend model Bar Rafaeli. I don’t know what it says about a man who gets tired seeing a girl like this naked. Except I do and it says “Hey, I’m Leonardo DiCaprio and can get any woman I want with minimal to no effort.” Yeah, well, I can get any chick I want too. Provided she’s susceptible to hypnosis, a heavy drinker and “trying to pay her way through law school.”

Jamie Lynn Spears will wed Casey Aldridge, the father of baby Maddie Briann (open to debate), this fall and reportedly host the ceremony in her own backyard. Britney will be the maid of honor as part of her final test to prove she has the mental fortitude to not hump a cake. OK! Magazine reports:

“She loves everything about the area where she lives. She’s not going to get married at some luxury resort in the Caribbean or a hotel in Beverly Hills,” a friend of the bride-to-be tells OK!. “Her own backyard with just the people who matter most is more Jamie Lynn’s style.”
And with the wedding approaching quickly, Jamie Lynn is planning to look her best on the big day. “She’s already down to her pre-pregnancy weight,” says the friend. “She has the cutest figure!”

There’s nothing like seeing a young couple on their way to NRA membership and NASCAR-induced domestic violence. It’s like a Disney movie waiting to be made!

Hayden Panettiere (seen here at Comic-Con over the weekend trying to keep her hands clean from dork debris) reportedly gave her boyfriend Milo Ventimiglia a striptease on the set of Heroes for his 31st birthday. Why must you forsake me, Lord? Australia News Limited reports:

A source said: “Hayden gave Milo an unforgettable birthday surprise by morphing from her bouncy cheerleader character in Heroes to a bump-and-grind striptease. As she sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to Milo in front of cast and crew during lunch she ripped off the costume to show off her sexy red lingerie. Milo’s face went bright red.”

You know how I know this isn’t true? Because I spent the past six hours crying under my desk which means IT NEVER HAPPENED. Nobody talk about this again. In fact - Hold on, I just got an e-mail from The Geekologie Writer:

“Hey, remember how you’re not Milo Ventimiglia and didn’t get a lap dance from Hayden Panettiere? I had those words tattooed on my forehead. Wings later?”

Nice. Real nice. Wait, here’s one from my mom:

“Honey, I just heard the news. Don’t worry, you’ll meet a nice girl soon who’ll do naughty dances for you. But maybe it wouldn’t hurt to lower your expectations a little. Do you remember that sweet girl who lived down the street and murdered her whole family? I hear she’s single! Smooches.”

Christ, who’s next? The president? “BEEP” Ah, shit…:

“I LIKES WEARING COWBOY HATS!”

Thanks to Tyler for the really great tip. It’s so great that I actually have one for you: I’m your biological father.

Bad news everybody: Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong have broken up. Who saw that coming? Besides Kate Hudson and her unwavering love of new penis. It turns out the two couldn’t stop arguing and finally decided to throw in the towel, according to Page Six:

Hudson made a last-ditch effort last week, traveling to see her beau in Ohio for his Livestrong Summit, but “they both decided it wasn’t feasible,” a friend said. Another spy said the couple had a big blowout a week ago and Armstrong stormed off - “They didn’t talk for like five days.”

It must be hard to have an argument with a guy who rides his bicycle in the kitchen while eating breakfast. Sure, you can yell all you want about him taking “that thing everywhere” including the bathroom, but he’s just gonna pop a wheelie in your face then go back to his Wheaties. Some might say I’m perpetuating a horrible stereotype that all cyclists are dicks, but until I see concrete data that suggests otherwise, I’m still throwing stray cats at them from my car window: “Quit blocking the lane! Aim true, Fluffy.” REOWW!

Khloe Kardashian is now considered a receptacle for advice on drinking and driving after her three hour stint in jail. I’d say that qualifies her to dish out horribly vapid pearls of wisdom for recently arrested Shia LaBeouf which, oh, hey, that’s exactly what she did. Fantastic! Us Magazine reports:

“Just be smarter,” she told Usmagazine.com at the Annual Style L.A. Runway show benefitting the Facial Paralysis Foundation & Stop the Violence/Face the Music benefit.
“Think about your actions and get a driver!” the 24-year-old counseled. “It’s so much cheaper in the long run!”

“So much cheaper.” Interesting. How about, I dunno, nobody gets fucking killed? I mean, I guess that’s as important as saving a couple bucks. Then again, I don’t spend the majority of each day in a mansion with my sister trying to block the sun with our asses, so I could be wrong.

Brooke Hogan, like any big brother, is concerned about the well-being of her little brother Nick. She spoke to People about Nick’s poor fragile spirit that has me convinced he pees sitting down:

“They had broken his spirit,” Brooke Hogan, 20, tells PEOPLE. “When they put him in solitary, he was on the outs. I was worried about him, and his safety, and his well-being.”
“We get to visit him three times a week like everybody else, but it sucks,” she says. “I can’t just walk over to his room and give him a hug, or talk to him, or confide in him. … At least he’s not locked in hell, basically. And his personality is slowly coming back. I bring that out of him.”

“His personality is coming back. I bring that out of him.” Christ, this family is jam-packed with ego. Seriously, there’s a simple explanation to all this: Nick is surrounded by dudes 24/7 and has long given up any inhibitions about staring at his sister’s rack. I mean, it’s technically not incest if they were put there by science. That’s in The Bible.

Dina and Ali Lohan somehow scored invites to the premiere of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2: This One’s Not Lesbian Porn Either, Sorry!. However, at the after-party Dina decided to be a giant bag of bitch and ended up getting tossed out. E! Online reports:

Sources report that when Dina, Ali and a friend of Ali’s arrived to the after-party, they sat down at a reserved table. A studio staffer politely asked her to change tables, but “Dina “went apes–t,” a partygoer tells me. “It so wasn’t cool.”
So not cool that “Dina was quietly removed” from the rooftop soiree, another source says.

I guess Dina felt she’s entitled to celebrity treatment simply because Lindsay Lohan passed through her birth canal. Shit, you don’t hear Samantha Ronson bragging about it. Show some class, lady.

Turns out Amy Winehouse’s trip to the ER Monday night wasn’t because of a reaction her medication. Her father Mitch is pretty adamant that someone slipped Ecstasy in Amy’s drink and has even contacted the fuzz, according to The Sun:

A source said after Rehab star Amy was discharged yesterday: “Mitch is furious. He’s certain someone put E in Amy’s drink — and he’s determined to get to the bottom of it. He is convinced that one of her hangers-on was responsible and he’s waiting for a toxicology report to show what caused her to fit.

Jesus. I mean, who would slip E into Amy Winehouse’s drink? I just couldn’t fathom what sort of individual would do such a thing. If only we knew of a suspect with a long history of drug abuse that would love to see Amy trip her face off for a couple of hours while getting shitfaced drunk at the same time. Hmm. Curiouser and curiouser…

These are pics of Latin pop singer Paulina Rubio on vacation with her husband. I don’t really have much to say about these except for such stereotypical responses as “Holy Frijoles!”; “Ay dios mio!”; and “El queso está viejo y pútrido. ¿Dónde está el sanitario?”

Madonna’s publicist is claiming the pictures of Madonna looking like emaciated shit were doctored. She says Madonna was looking as radiant as ever just days before. And by radiant I mean a fucking mutant. People reports:

“I just think the photographer got a bad shot of her or it was touched up to make her look bad,” says her rep Liz Rosenberg. “I saw Madonna two days before at her rehearsal and she looked amazing – glowing skin and working really hard on her show.”

Hmm, if Madonna’s rep says she looked amazing just two days earlier, what the hell happened? I mean, besides the obvious which is Madonna died, and they’re keeping her alive ala Weekend at Bernie’s. Hey, it works for the Olsen twins…

Shia LaBeouf’s crash on Sunday morning turned out to be not his fault despite being freaking loaded, according to the AP:

Sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore says detectives have determined that the other driver apparently ran a red light, and will be also be cited.

Now this is something I wouldn’t want to know if I were Shia LaBeouf. I’d prefer learning a valuable lesson instead of finding out, “Hey, guess what, you’re actually a decent drunk driver who just got nailed by some idiot.” There’s only way that’ll end: Me filling my glove box with Jim Beam and Jell-O and starting an office car pool. Sure, everyone will complain I’m not wearing any pants, but have you seen those gas prices?

In case you guys are in a bubble, a major seismic event (a.k.a. a freaking 5.8. earthquake) was felt from Los Angeles to San Diego. CNN reports:

The quake’s epicenter was about 2 miles southwest of Chino Hills and about 5 miles southeast of Diamond Bar, the USGS said. Chino Hills is about 30 miles east of downtown Los Angeles.
There were no immediate reports of injury or damage in Los Angeles, Los Angeles Fire Department spokesman Brian Humphrey told The Associated Press. San Bernardino County fire dispatch did not have reports of damage, AP said.

No major injuries which means Heidi and Spencer are still alive. Dammit, God, you missed! I hear the phone lines are a mess, but from the sound of it, everyone’s just a bit shaken up. Get it? I’m horribly inappropriate. But in all seriousness, The Superficial hopes everyone’s doing alright and your loved ones are safe. (Unless you’re related to Ashton Kutcher, then I rescind my prior statement.)

These are pics of Latin pop singer Paulina Rubio on vacation with her husband. I don’t really have much to say about these except for such stereotypical responses as “Holy Frijoles!”; “Ay dios mio!”; and “El queso está viejo y pútrido. ¿Dónde está el sanitario?”

Britney Spears is dropping a ton of coin to, scientifically speaking, tighten that ass up. She’s spending roughly $22 grand a month on a personal trainer, nutritionist and dance choreographer. Britney was getting sick of the constant pregnancy rumors, so she decided to do something about it that, surprisingly, didn’t involve flashing her vagina at a Whopper. Wow, she has changed. The Daily Mail reports:

She has also taken on some of Victoria Beckham’s diet tips, eating plenty of steamed fish and snacking on edamame beans. Britney also endures intensive work-outs with Pussycat Dolls’ personal trainer James Van Daff as well as three-hour dance classes six times a week.
The source added: ‘Britney piled on a lot of weight earlier this year. She was so stressed about the custody case and her medication for her bipolar disorder also made her put on weight. She was tired of being flabby and wanted to do something about it.’
Now, says the insider: ‘Britney is so proud of herself because her ab muscles are back. She’s feeling better than she has in ages.’

See? This is exactly what I tell women while I’m waiting in line at Starbucks. If you’re serious about losing weight, just fork over $20 G’s a month. It’s that simple. Otherwise, you should probably let me have your whipped cream, or else your husband will sleep with his secretary. What can I say? I’m an inspiration.

NOTE: Photos link to previous Britney bikini post that my penis is still trying to sort out.

Ryan Seacrest apparently was bitten by a shark on Sunday while at the beach in Mexico. It must’ve been a tiny shark because Ryan barely even noticed and found the tooth later in his leg, according to Page Six:

“He didn’t know what it was for a minute - he thought it was a stick,” said one spy. “He had no time to be scared. He saw it swim away, he got out, took aspirin and called it a day.”

Yeah? That’s nothing. One time I got bit by a shark disguised as an alligator. Okay, maybe it was a mosquito, but in my mind it felt like an alligator who later revealed himself to be a shark, so that’s what I’m telling people/chicks. Ball’s in your court, Seacrest.

“Does this make my butt look big?”

Miley Cyrus would be the perfect spokesperson for safe sex if LifeStyles condoms had their way. As a fan of neither product, I really don’t have an opinion on the matter. Except I do and it’s after the quote. What is this? Your first day? NY Daily News reports:

“Pop culture proves that teens are more ready than ever to disuss the subject of sex,” said Carol Carrozza, VP of marketing for LifeStyles. “With recent reports showing that one out of four teenage girls has an STD and the high level of teenage pregnancy, we believe that Miley is both influential and relatable to this afflicted set - and is the obvious choice to get the message of safe sex out to teens across America.”
A rep for Cyrus says the teen has not been approached with the company’s offer yet, but that it is something her and her camp would never consider.

Perhaps LifeStyles should’ve done a better job during their marketing research. Miley Cyrus is part of the crowd that believes teaching kids about birth control makes the Baby Jesus cry. Of course, Lynne Spears’ upcoming book will capture the beauty of this thought process more eloquently in “Chapter V: You’re What Now?”