As I’ve often said for many years, “It doesn’t get more American than ogling a British lingerie model (Katie Downes) walking the streets of ole’ London town.” Cohesion: It’s what for dinner I started drinking at noon. SHAZAM!

Happy Labor Day Weekend, everybody! See you jokers on Tuesday.

It’s a Friday before a holiday weekend, so what the hell? Let’s talk about John McCain (Hey, he’s a celebrity too!) and his sans penis vice presidential pick today: Alaskan governor Sarah Palin. Here’s the word from Reuters:

Palin, 44, a self-described “hockey mom,” is a conservative first-term governor of Alaska with strong anti-abortion views, a record of reform and fiscal conservatism and an outsider’s perspective on Washington.
“She’s exactly who I need. She’s exactly who this country needs to help me fight the same old Washington politics of me first and country second,” McCain told a roaring crowd of 15,000 supporters in Dayton, Ohio.

So what do you think: Awesome? Bad? We’re straight fucked? She looks like Tina Fey? Cheap political ploy? Where’s Alaska? I’d hit it? I’ll let you guys handle the deep intellectual discourse. And people say this site isn’t informative. In your face, entire mainstream media!

Kim Kardashian is training hard for the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars and is prepared to reveal more and more of her infamous butt as the show progresses. There’s nothing using a woman’s astronomically large ass that once starred in a porno as a source of family entertainment. God bless you, ABC! People reports:

“I’m hoping that it’ll firm it up and shape it up,” she said during a launch party for the Pink Blackberry Curve at L.A. boutique Intermix. “Everyone is asking if I’m worried it’s going to go away. No, it’s going to tone it up. I can use that.”
So, will she flaunt what she’s got in sexy and slinky ballroom costumes? Kardashian said she expects to show off more than a little skin as the competition moves forward.

Despite the prospect of some Kim ass I still won’t watch. Mainly because I did the math and it’ll take at least 100 episodes before we see some crack. You can’t fight the numbers, folks.

NOTE: Your eyes are not deceiving you: these are shots of Kim leaving a hair removal center – and, damn, not a moment too soon. Here’s what she looked like prior to treatment. Mamma mia!

In a glaring example the Apocalypse is at hand, The Hills is a hot commodity these days. Major fashion designers send thousands of dollars worth of clothing to Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge. However, Heidi Montag is left out of this circle of love because, obviously, she has the public persona of a retarded hooker. Fox News reports:

One of Los Angeles’ leading fashion reps (who is often responsible for dressing the likes of Miley Cyrus, Angelina Jolie, Fergie and Carmen Electra) told Pop Tarts that Heidi’s public persona is a little too cheap even for casual (but classy) brands.
“They don’t want their stuff on Heidi, even despite the fact that she is very media-friendly and is photographed a lot,” the rep said. “It’s just not the caliber of celebrity most clients go for.”

Other celebrities of a higher caliber than Heidi Montag:

1. The guy on the Pringles can.
2. Ross Perot.
3. Remember the dude who’s getting a Dell?
4. Jon Stamos. (Marginally.)
5. The Philly Phanatic.
6. Me. (I want free shit! Size: SEXY.)

At an after-party for Madonna’s recently launched Sticky & Sweet Tour, her brother Christopher Ciccone felt the mood was right for sharing a lactating Demi Moore anecdote with The Sun. But, then again, when isn’t the mood right for a Demi Moore story about breast milk? (Answer: Christmas dinner. I’ve been shunned.):

He said: “We went out and Demi was dancing up on me and humping me from behind. She was lactating at the time and she was squirting breast milk at my lesbian friends.
“My friend Michelle called me the next morning and asked me: ‘How do I get breast milk out of my black dress?’
“I replied: ‘How the f*** would I know? Call Demi!’”

Try club soda. Now, keep in mind the source of this story is Madonna’s brother and The Sun. So the only place this really happened is my mind – and right now: “Look out, Demi, she wants you to sign a petition for gay adoption! PEW PEW PEW!”

After getting his nuts kicked in on Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson’s blog, Michael Lohan has magically acquired a one-hour TV special where he’ll ‘expose’ ex-wife Dina Lohan who he claims is the one that told him Samantha Ronson is writing a tell-all book. Of course, Michael can’t say what network his “special” is on, or when it will air, but believe him, it’s the real deal. TVGuide.com has the exclusive:

“I have it all on tape — all recorded, time and date-stamped,” he said. “You will hear it all. I have 101 text messages between Lindsay and I, and I have about 60 tape recordings of Dina.”
Because of contractual agreements, Lohan cannot specify the name of the special or on what network it will air, but insisted it is “definitely” happening.
“It might be broken up into parts, but it’s going to be done,” he said. “These lies have to stop. She can’t say all these things to me and when I try to address it, deny everything. Dina’s a hypocrite and I’m tired of it.”
“I’ve never taken or earned one penny from my daughter. Meanwhile, all the people around her, including her mother, are earning money off of her,” he said. “They want publicity. They’re there for self-serving reasons. I didn’t have my own reality TV show.”

‘I didn’t have my own reality TV show.’ And look what whining got you. I guarantee this special, if it exists, will run at one a.m. against an episode of Family Guy where Peter makes a non-sequitur reference to the 80s, so you know what I’ll be watching that night: Porn.

Jessica Simpson gave another shitass performance in her continuing effort to crossover to country which must be frustrating. I mean, she’s proven she’s illiterate and joined the Klan. What more do these people want?! Anyway, here’s the highlights of her Wednesday night concert at the Avalon Ballroom where Jessica gave long-winded intros to every song forcing The Niagara Falls Review to comment “It might be unfair calling Jessica Simpson’s show at the Avalon Ballroom Wednesday a train wreck. At some point, a train knows where it’s going.”:

On how her man must be ready for anything that comes out of her uterus:
Before the new song “Man Enough,” she said her man must be ready for anything – including the possibility she’s pregnant with an alien.

On Nick Lachey:
Ex-hubby Nick Lachey gets grilled in the bitter “When I Loved You Like That,” where our girl basically says she carried his cheatin’ ass all those years.

On the smell of her farts; I’m not kidding:
“I do pass gas a lot,” she said. “I guarantee it smells like roses.”

A public admission that your ass doesn’t stink despite chronic flatulence. Now that’s classy. I bet you an old man in a top hat put a monocle up to his eye and said “Jolly good show!” That’s how classy it was. Bravo!

David Duchovny has checked into rehab for sex addiction, according to People:

“I have voluntarily entered a facility for the treatment of sex addiction,” the actor says in an exclusive statement. “I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family.”

Ironically, David Duchovny plays a sex addict on the Showtime series Californication. The network issued the following statement:

“All of us at Showtime wish David and his family the best during this very private time.”

Perhaps “private time” wasn’t the best choice of words, Showtime. Anyway, this puts the X-Files in a whole new light especially after reading Agent Scully’s statement:

One time he asked if we could do it U.F.O-style. At first I was confused, until he showed me ‘the probe.’

These are shots of British reality TV star Jodie Marsh at the premiere of Daylight Robbery. Jodie is apparently the scourge of the English celebrity scene and likes to show up at red carpet events in Spandex. Think Andy Dick but with gigantor boobs. That said, don’t tell me this isn’t Britney Spears in 10 years. I mean, just looking at that pouch, I’m convinced this actually is her sent back from the future to warn us about something. But what? Terminators? Global Warming? Heidi Montag? Tell us, Future Britney with Implants! I swear I’ll make eye contact – sort of.

EDIT: Added more pics because, well, yeah….

In a shocking revelation that could only come out in the news vacuum before a holiday weekend (Diggin’ those Heidi Montag posts?), it appears Sarah Larson actually grew weary of The Clooney’s charm and cheated on him while they were dating, according to Page Six:

Larson seems to have a roving eye. Sin City sources say that while the former cocktail waitress, who’s trying to kick- start a modeling career, was dating Clooney, she “came to Vegas for a weekend and cheated on him” with a media mogul.
Larson and Clooney broke up earlier this summer. Sources said it was because they had little in common and because Larson insisted on getting breast implants. But, ever the gentleman, Clooney helped promote her new career before he dumped her, and she got a spread in Harper’s Bazaar and a few runway gigs at LA Fashion Week.

Damn! Someone cheated on The Clooney? That’s like finding out a free Ferrari doesn’t race out of Angelina Jolie’s vagina after you have sex with her. I mean, Christ, what’s a man have left to believe in in this crazy world?

Michael Jackson, donned in pajama pants and a tuxedo jacket (Still got it!), made an unusual public appearance yesterday at Planet Hollywood in preparation for his 50th birthday celebration. That’s right, this is what a 50-year-old black man is supposed to look like. So, I dunno what Samuel L. Jackson is doing to himself, but it can’t be healthy.

Thanks to Abbi who tricked me into thinking this was Katie Holmes. Ha! I know where you live…

These are shots of British reality TV star Jodie Marsh at the premiere of Daylight Robbery. Jodie is apparently the scourge of the English celebrity scene and likes to show up at red carpet events in Spandex. Think Andy Dick but with gigantor boobs. That said, don’t tell me this isn’t Britney Spears in 10 years. I mean, just looking at that pouch, I’m convinced this actually is her sent back from the future to warn us about something. But what? Terminators? Global Warming? Heidi Montag? Tell us, Future Britney with Implants! I swear I’ll make eye contact – sort of.

Yes, Heidi, you’ve got the right idea. This is definitely the way to finally get people to respect you as an artist. No foolin’. In the meantime after looking at these pictures, I gotta ask: Does no one carry a gun to the supermarket anymore? You can’t tell me there wasn’t some old lady packin’ who could’ve mowed these two down by the arugula. I thought this was America, dammit!

Axl Rose reportedly came on strong to Kelly Osbourne at a party. Designer Richie Rich watched the whole thing go down and couldn’t believe the crap coming out of the 46-year-old singer’s mouth, according to OK! Magazine:

“He was really weird with her,” said the Heatherette fashionista at a party for the launch of the new Tide and Downy Total Care washing liquid. “He kept leering at her and saying, “I want to f*** you!”

“I want to fuck you.” Axl Rose, everybody. World class Casanova – if it were 1985.

Hilary Duff’s father Bob Duff was sentenced to 10 days in jail yesterday during a trial over, I shit you not, who will pay for Hilary’s 21st birthday. (He was sentenced for failing to report the sale of assets, not for the birthday party.) Apparently, Hilary’s mother Susan wants to make sure Hilary gets just as much as her sister Haylie and took Bob to court over it. All this to the tune of $25,000, according to the Houston Chronicle:

The $10,000 her husband pays her in interim support each month is “not even enough to pay my own bills” and certainly not enough to afford such expensive birthday treats, Susan testified. She said she has to rely on Hilary for financial help to pay her lawyers and other bills.
In his cross-examination, Piro asked Susan if her “adult millionaire daughter” would be upset if she did not receive an expensive gift and party for her birthday.
Susan replied that her daughter “is emotionally upset by the abandonment of her father” and deserves “to have some kind of recognition for a young life well-lived.”
Piro asked her where she thought Bob would get the money, and Susan replied he could get it from the same place he got money to buy presents for his girlfriend’s sons.
“I know he’s a millionaire, and he’s got the funds,” she said.
When Bob took the stand a few minutes later, Brown asked him if he wanted Hilary to receive a comparable gift to Haylie for her 21st birthday.
“Yes,” Bob replied.
“You’re not mad at Hilary, are you?” Brown asked.
Bob hesitated, and Brown withdrew the question.
Stansbury eventually ordered Bob to pay $12,500 to Susan for Hilary’s birthday.

Jesus, let’s tie up the court system making sure Hilary Duff’s father buys her an insane birthday present. If that’s enough, I love Hilary’s mom crying that she can’t live on $10,000 a month and has to ask Hilary for money to cover her legal fees. Here’s a suggestion: Why don’t you quit suing your husband over ridiculous shit and live on the $120 grand you make for having a functional birth canal? I know it sounds crazy, but it just might work.

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson both took to their celebrity blogs after Michael Lohan publicly called Samantha a “drug” for Lindsay and claimed she would out Lindsay in a tell-all book. Lindsay became so incensed she churned out the following hyphen-laden diatribe on MySpace:

If you have something to say to me, say it to my face- that’s what i have believed my whole life- don’t be a coward and say it to others first, let alone all the media in the world- i think we know where the rest of this blog is going…
If you guessed it had to do with my father- then you guessed right! It really hurts, because i have tried- after all that my mother and siblings have gone through, i really tried to make things work- For the hope of having a father again-wanting things to change- even though people have said, some people will forever remain the same.
Having said that- the people were right, and he is yet to change- but this time, without his daughter by his side- He has become a public embaressment and a bully- To my family, my co-workers, my friends, and a girl that means the world to me (its obvious who that is).
He has no idea what is going on in my life because i have chosen not to involve him in it- His recent attack on my life and my loved ones is simply for an ADDICTION THAT HE HAS- FAME. Why he feels the need to comment on anything in my life that i may want to keep private, is beyond comprehension- If he really cared about me and my life, then he would learn to respect my wishes by staying out of it.
Samantha has not and would never sell me out. Nor has my mother, who is wonderful.
This further proves that any information that my father has about me or the people in my life is internet based- and about as accurate as a page six item.
I’m not going to engage any further, though i probably could go on…
I have said enough, i have a therapist, and it is not the the camera man at x17.

Again, Lindsay calls her mother Dina wonderful. The woman who’s clearly walking behind her thinking “Cha-ching! Also, I need gin NOW.”

Samantha Ronson’s response to Michael Lohan after the jump.

These are shots of British reality TV star Jodie Marsh at the premiere of Daylight Robbery. Jodie is apparently the scourge of the English celebrity scene and likes to show up at red carpet events in Spandex. Think Andy Dick but with gigantor boobs. That said, don’t tell me this isn’t Britney Spears in 10 years. I mean, just looking at that pouch, I’m convinced this actually is her sent back from the future to warn us about something. But what? Terminators? Global Warming? Heidi Montag? Tell us, Future Britney with Implants! I swear I’ll make eye contact – sort of.

Suge Knight was arrested yesterday morning after police caught him beating his girlfriend in a parking lot. Suge was holding a knife at the time and was also in possession of Ecstasy and hydrocodone when officers arrived. The AP reports:

“A citizen sees the beating in a parking lot, police get there fast, they see him beating her. It’s a good solid case,” said Las Vegas police Lt. Chris Carroll.
“This is a very large man,” Carroll said, estimating his weight at more than twice the woman’s. “He was on top of her, actually in the act of violently beating her when the officers arrived, with the knife in his hand.”
At least one officer drew a Taser stun gun as they approached Knight, said Officer Jacinto Rivera, a police spokesman. He said he did not know if the officers drew their handguns. Knight dropped the folding knife and was taken into custody without incident, Carroll said.

I see: Suge Knight can beat up his girlfriend but pisses himself at the sight of a Taser. Pfft! What a pussy.

I’m getting hung upside down from a balcony, aren’t I? Neat.

Elisabetta Gregoraci continues her summer of digging gold in a bikini. There’s just something about Itailan Wonderbra models. Once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen not nearly enough and want to continually stare at her while praying to the Internet gods she’ll jump out of your screen. Sure, to do sexy stuff, but would it kill her to make a sandwich?

UPDATE: It did. Whoops! Gonna need a shower curtain. Italians are a calm, understanding people with a distaste for revenge, right? Okay, good.

Eva Longoria used to be a lingerie model before hitting it big on Desperate Housewives. These shots are from 2001, and I want to know who the hell told her to keep pursuing acting? Eva could’ve been cranking more of these pics out or, God willing, done porn. This is exactly why I tell never people to follow their dreams. Unless you’re G4′s Olivia Munn and your dream is to cover me in chocolate sauce. In which case, reach for the stars!

Tara Reid showed off some more of her clothing line Mantra at the second day of When I Move You Move Fashion Show in Vegas. I guess her line consists solely of a long piece of rope. Considering the source, honestly, I’m impressed. “Yeah, you see, it’s just like a rope that I tie around my head so I don’t get puke and stuff in my hair while I’m in some dude’s hot tub. But he still has to pay me. He still has to pay me. I am worth it! *HORF* Ha ha! That’s where that condom went…”

I’m starting to understand Matthew McConaughey a whole lot more after finding about his mom Kay McConaughey’s book. Entilted “I Amaze Myself” the memoir contains anecdotes about Matthew’s conception and his father dying during sex. I wish I was making this up. Us Weekly reports:

“On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love,” Kay says exclusively in the latest issue of Us Weekly. “But one day, all of a sudden, it just happened. I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. Just nothing,” she says. “But it was just the best way to go!”
And when her man couldn’t be revived, she made sure he was taken from the house in the buff.
“I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gift,” she says.

Awesome. So, Matthew McConaughey’s dad’s final moments were spent having Viagra-induced old people sex followed by EMTs staring at his naked cock. Oh yeah, sign me up for that. Here I was going to die young in a bank vault full of strippers and go-karts. Clearly, I have no idea how to live. I forgot the part where people look at my old dead nuts. So stupid….

Is it me or is The Bachelorette DeAnna Pappas always wearing a bikini? Some might call this trashy, but if you take note, ladies, she’s engaged. Now, I’m not suggesting the two are related – except I am and no one likes a spinster. So, house full of cats, or walking around in a bikini? While you think that one over, I’ll be on the roof with a lawn chair and binoculars to, um, watch birds. Yeah, what I just said.

Kate Hudson and celebrity stylist David Babaii are being sued for allegedly stealing an idea to make hair products using volcanic ash. Dammit, ash? I thought they were sticking people’s heads in volcanoes. I hate this story. Reuters reports:

In the lawsuit, which was filed on Friday in Los Angeles Superior Court, 220 Laboratories said it entered into an “oral contract” with Babaii to develop and manufacture hair care products in 2006. The idea for the product was to use volcanic ash from the Vanuatu Islands of the South Pacific.
But Babaii went on to use a company called Universal Packaging Systems Inc to develop the products — using the volcanic ash component. Hudson promoted the product in a 2007 interview with Vogue magazine and said she was one of the developers, the lawsuit states.

Someone needs to tell Kate Hudson that wearing a lab coat and accidentally knocking things into a bowl with a clipboard while asking “Breasts aren’t important, right?” does not make her a developer. Neither does using a Bunsen burner to light your cigarette and sticking a rubber glove over your entire face like that old Howie Mandel gag. But good effort.

Great news, everybody: Britney Spears will not be performing at this year’s VMAs. HURRAY! Her manager Larry Rudolph wants everyone to know Britney is very serious about her album and won’t be reprising her now infamous Jiggly Girl dance, according to the AP:

“Contrary to media reports, Britney was never slated to perform on this year’s VMAs,” Larry Rudolph, Spears’ manager at Jive Records, said in a statement. “She’s in the middle of recording her next album, which is going amazingly well, and her focus remains on the studio.”

Anyone get the feeling this “new and improved” Britney Spears has no fucking clue what’s going on around her? Yeah, she’s made some groundbreaking changes (See: wearing a bra.), but the look on Britney’s face tells me she has the wherewithal of a ham sandwich. I mean, you could probably light one of her kids on fire, and she wouldn’t even bat an eye. Then again, I basically just described anytime Britney makes PB&J. Bad example.