Audrina Patridge hosted an event for Bombay Sapphire in Vegas over the weekend proving she’s the only pure and decent thing to come out of The Hills. Audrina grasps the concept that nobody wants to hear her talk. Ever. Not even if the sound of her voice is the antidote for cancer. Just smile, wear a bikini then wait for your fleeting relevancy to be replaced by the next 21-year-old with implants whose banging an MTV producer. Audrina Patridge, we salute you! Keep on truckin’!

Thanks to Marcine for knowing the key to my heart: Gin.

Britney Spears, who sweeped the VMAs with her video for “Piece of Me,” doesn’t even think it’s a good video. I mean, she made the thing while she thought she was a British nanny which proves those fat cats at MTV “bailed out” Britney. See what I did there? I’m poignant. Star reports:

“It’s a cool video, but I think by far I’ve done videos that are way better, so I was really shocked that it got the award. It was just inspiring, though, because now, going forward with the videos that I’m doing now, I can really go there and do something crazy and see what happens.”
She added that she’d be eating New York pizza before she leaves town — and not just one slice. “I eat what I want,” the workout fanatic said.

In related news, Britney Spears was severely burnt this afternoon when she attempted to dump the contents of an entire pizza oven in her mouth. First responders believe a Stromboli is the culprit but hesitated to speculate further until a forensics team arrives. In the meantime, Britney’s people say she dove out of the ambulance when it passed a Domino’s and request anyone who sees the pop star to contact law enforcement. She’s wearing a black- and red-striped shirt with a calzone seared into the collar.

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson slip n’ slided down to Mexico yesterday, and I gotta tell you, I am shocked by these photos. Mostly because, after seeing Sam in a bikini, my penis didn’t run off screaming into a wood chipper. Jesus. Who saw that coming?

Paris Hilton’s new reality show Paris Hilton’s My New BFF starts tonight on MTV and it will feature her latest single “My BFF.” For those of you playing the home game, “BFF” stands for Big Fucking Fail. Check out the lyrics on this trainwreck:

“All my life I’ve been waiting for someone I can trust, someone who will tell me the truth – even when it’s the hard thing to say.”

First off, I’ve got no problem telling Paris the truth: You have a smelly vagina. Second, take a listen to the song on KIIS-FM and tell me that’s not the same chick singing who does Heidi Montag’s songs. Seriously, whoever you are, stop it. You’re hurting America. In fact, Al Qaeda just called; they said “Thanks.”

Janet Jackson was rushed to the hospital last night when she “got suddenly ill” before her concert in Montreal, according to the AP. No information was given on her condition, but Janet’s already rescheduling the show so it can’t be too serious. Of course, I already knew that having read this item from Page Six which will drop a hint right in your lap:

The other night, Dupri and his squeeze, Janet Jackson, went to Tenjune, where, spies say, they shared bottles of Jay-Z’s Ace of Spades Champagne and Patrón tequila with Ne-Yo, Busta Rhymes and Ice-T – until Dupri “vomited in Janet’s lap. Ms. Jackson bolted out of the scene and sped off in her chauffeured Maybach.” A rep for Jackson and Dupri didn’t return calls.

I’m pretty sure getting puked on my Jermaine Dupri isn’t exactly good for your health, but I’ve been wrong before. Like that time I thought I thought Brooke Hogan was a girl. Ha! I was way off.

Thanks to James who can not only hold his liquor but several assorted meats and cheeses as well. True story.

Jennifer Aniston continues her vacation in Los Cabos, Mexico, and she should probably start posing for the paparazzi because, damn, are they getting some unflattering shots. It’s almost as if the majority of Jennifer’s body is defying age except her stomach. Which obviously gave up and said “Hey, I wanna look like your grandpa.”

NOTE: Jennifer Aniston completely making my words a moot point here, and I’m pretty sure that’s the entrance to Narnia.

After word broke yesterday that Adnan Ghalib is looking to sell a sex tape of Britney Spears to the highest bidder, her people are denying its existence, E! News reports:

“The story is completely false,” the source tells E! News.
Spears’ rep at Jive Records has not responded to calls seeking comment.

Of course, no one’s asking Britney about the tape – until now!

THE SUPERFICIAL: Britney, did you make a sex tape with Adnan Ghalib?
BRITNEY: Stop talking to me giant Frappucino in pants!
THE SUPERFICIAL: Again, is there a tape of you having sex in Mexico?
BRITNEY: I’m gonna stick a straw in your head.
THE SUPERFICIAL: Just say “yes” or “n- *KERCHUNK*
BRITNEY: Can someone get the whipped cream can out of my purse? Yeah. Under the chocolate sauce.

Criss Angel’s $85 million Cirque de Soleil show “Believe” opened in Vegas over the weekend, and what do you know? It TANKED. Audience members reportedly walked out of the theater and demanded their money back after witnessing an epic fail covered in douche sauce, according to the Las Vegas Review Journal:

“Everyone in the bathroom was chanting ‘bull—-’” from the urinals, Damon Ranger of Chicago told me Saturday. “It was absolutely awful. You can ‘Believe’ how bad it is — because it’s terrible!”
People streamed out of the theater on Saturday screaming about how poor it was. A group of six women was led by a woman yelling furiously, demanding their money back.
“Dude, it’s a train wreck,” Ranger said. On a scale of 1 to 10, he declared “Believe” a zero.
Two other Angel fans, Steve Moffett and Jordan Wilson, flew in from London for Friday’s debut.
“We were hysterical about coming. We came. It was a waste of time,” Wilson said. “The magic’s not even magic.”
Moffett and Wilson walked out before the ending, because Angel started singing the finale, a cover of his “Mindfreak” TV theme song.
“He broke into song. I said, ‘He’s singing. Now we’re leaving,’” Wilson said.

Jesus Christ, he sings?! Wow. I guarantee you if I were in that audience, I would’ve rushed the stage and repeatedly punched Criss Angel in the uvula. Then I’d disappear! SHAZAM where’s the fire exit?

Thanks to Steve who’s holding the Jack of Clubs.

These are shots of Jennifer Aniston in Cabo over the weekend and… and… what in the-? Is anyone else seeing her vagina from an almost impossible angle? Seriously, is it lopsided, or do I need to start boiling some water? Ladies, you’re the experts here. No, wait, I mean, I’m the expert. Ha ha, I’ve seen hundreds of these. Let’s see, yup, there’s your problem: No unicorn jumping out of it. Probably want to get that looked at.

NOTE: Pic links to potentially NSFW version unless there’s such as a thing as “crotchular cellulite.” In which case, my bad, everybody.

Britney Spears’ former paparazzi lover Adnan Ghalib has apparently brushed off getting stabbed and is back to marketing the sex tape he made with Britney in Mexico. The Sun reports:

“There is such a tape, but I won’t discuss prices for hypothetical enquiries. Unless there is a locked-in deal, I will go no further.”
An unconfirmed source claims the two-hour X-rated footage features Britney naked wearing just a pink wig and was allegedly shot while on holiday in Mexico.
Adnan added: “I am not interested in selling out any other details about Britney. “

Adnan’s not interested in “selling out any other details about Britney?” That’s pretty chivalrous for a guy hawking a sex tape of a bipolar nutjob he banged in Mexico while she was off her meds. No, really, for a minute there I thought I was reading Shakespeare.

If you thought the recent Wall Street crash was bad (How ’bout that Dow today?), talk to Hugh Hefner: It’s costing him pussy. The recent credit crunch has forced the Playboy founder to reduce staff which fully, 100%, without a shadow of a doubt because they’re prostitutes explains why Kendra Wilkinson (above), Holly Madison and Bridgett Marquardt are jumping ship. The Daily Telegraph reports:

The 83-year-old has been told to lay off some of his staff at his Los Angeles and New York offices as soon as this month or go bankrupt.
The company has recently seen shares fall from £6.20 to £1.55. An insider at the company told the Daily Star that bosses had been aware of the worsening situation for “a while”.
“Only the top brass has known for a while how bad things have been for Hef recently.”
Spokeswoman Elizabeth Austin would not confirm the sackings, saying: “It is our policy not to comment on corporate matters such as employee issues.”

If Hugh Hefner, of all people, dies old and alone without giant fake breasts in his face, then my God, what hope is there for the rest of us? Damn you, stock market. DAMN YOU TO HELL!

Thanks to Josh who still dreams of having a stripper dance on his open casket.

Plane-crash survivor Travis Barker was discharged from the Joseph M. Still Burn Center in Georgia today well ahead of the two-week mark given by Jermaine Dupri on Friday. DJ AM, who also escaped the crash with Travis, was released Friday. People reports:

“Travis is in good condition and was discharged this morning,” Burn Center spokesperson Beth Frits told PEOPLE Monday. “He has left Augusta.”

Travis was last seen paddling down Interstate 95 in a canoe. Have you ever seen one of those burst into flames? I rest my case.

When Heath Ledger died earlier this year from an accidental overdose, his will left everything to this parents and three sisters. It was written, of course, before the birth of his daughter Matilda with Michelle Williams. Many believed Michelle would file a claim for the estate, but Heath’s family has given the entire thing over to Matilda, according to the AP:

“There is no claim,” the newspaper quoted Kim Ledger as saying in a report published Sunday. “Our family has gifted everything to Matilda.”
The actor signed the will on April 12, 2003. It lists assets and cash of just $118,000, but the actor’s estate is believed to be worth more than $16.3 million, the newspaper said.

This turn of events is fortuitous for Matilda because TMZ reports Heath Ledger’s life insurance company is ruling his death a suicide to avoid paying $10 million to a trustee for his daughter who has filed a lawsuit:

Sources say lawyers for the insurance company have claimed Ledger’s death was “suspicious” — possibly suicide, which would nullify the policy. The company alleges in its answer to the lawsuit, “ReliaStar is entitled to investigate Plaintiff’s claim to determine if the ‘Suicide’ provision is applicable.” That provision states, “If the Insured commits suicide … we will pay only the amount of premiums paid to us.”
ReliaStar’s lawyers have informed Matilda’s lawyers they intend to take the depositions of Mary-Kate Olsen, as well as the masseuse who was at Ledger’s home when he died, Ledger’s colleagues on his last film, his agents, doctors, psychologists and others. Lawyers for Matilda believe the insurance company is trying to scare and shame them into submission. They believe ReliaStar is trying to drag the process out, for what could be years, to avoid paying the money.

Hey, remember that part in The Dark Knight when the Joker slammed that guy’s head down on a pencil? That was awesome.

Before she was Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, she was Sarah Heath, aspiring model. By ridiculous request, here’s the video of Sarah during the swimsuit competition portion of the 1984 Miss Alaska Beauty Pageant. While 80′s hair and one-piece bathing suits don’t exactly raise my flag, I’ll admit the governor does have an ass on her. On that note, I should probably watch what I say before my words end up in a campaign ad:

Even fancy liberals with their magic Internet boxes agree: One half of McCain/Palin will bring much needed badonkadonk to Washington.

“I’ll admit the governor does have an ass on her.” – The Superficial, 9/29/2008

McCain/Palin: Oops, I dropped my pen…

These are shots of Jennifer Aniston in Cabo over the weekend and… and… what in the-? Is anyone else seeing her vagina from an almost impossible angle? Seriously, is it lopsided, or do I need to start boiling some water? Ladies, you’re the experts here. No, wait, I mean, I’m the expert. Ha ha, I’ve seen hundreds of these. Let’s see, yup, there’s your problem: No unicorn jumping out of it. Probably want to get that looked at.

NOTE: Pic links to potentially NSFW version unless there’s such as a thing as “crotchular cellulite.” In which case, my bad, everybody.

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds quietly wed this weekend in Canada, People reports:

Attended by only a handful of close friends and family, the ceremony was held at a remote wilderness retreat outside of Vancouver, B.C.
This is the first marriage for both. The couple had announced their engagement in May.

Ryan Reynolds can marry Scarlett Johansson wherever the hell he wants. I’m still going to try and squeeze her breasts through my monitor. I’m a man of princi- “SMASH!” …. Heh. *picks up phone* Hello, Tech Support. Yeah, another one. Uh huh. Last time, seriously. I promise. Uh huh. Fifteen minutes? Fantastic.

UPDATE: “SMASH!” Honest to God, I swear I felt a nipple that time.

Heather Locklear was arrested by the California Highway Patrol for suspicion of driving under the influence of a controlled substance. She was picked up in Montecito after someone called 911 to report an erratic driver. The LA Times reports:

Locklear showed bizarre behavior, driving back and forth over a pair of sunglasses on the pavement and revving her engine. After leaving the parking lot, she stopped her car on the street and stumbled into the traffic lane, according to the caller, who followed Locklear out of concern, Marshall said.
When the CHP officer arrived, Locklear’s car was parked on State Route 192 partially blocking a lane, Marshall said. The officer talked to her and determined that she was disoriented and “under the influence of something.” She was taken to the CHP’s Santa Barbara-area office to be tested for alcohol and drugs.
Locklear tested negative for alcohol. Other drug tests will be returned in a few days, Marshall said.

Judging by her mugshot, there’s no way Heather Locklear will even realize she’s been arrested until at least Wednesday – of next week. On that note, I’m convinced she’s either trying to steal my soul or order a pizza telepathically. What’s that, Drug-Face? I don’t think “Denise Richards is a gaping whore” counts as a topping. But I’ll ask.

Legendary actor, philanthropist and race car enthusiast Paul Newman succumbed to cancer at the age of 83 on Saturday, according to the Associated Press:

The 10-time Academy Award nominee died Friday at age 83, surrounded by family and close friends at his Westport farmhouse following a long battle with cancer, publicist Jeff Sanderson said Saturday.
Newman worked with some of the greatest directors of the past half century, from Alfred Hitchcock and John Huston to Robert Altman, Martin Scorsese and the Coen brothers. His co-stars included Elizabeth Taylor, Lauren Bacall, Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks and, most famously, Robert Redford, his sidekick in “Butch Cassidy” and “The Sting.”
“There is a point where feelings go beyond words,” Redford said Saturday. “I have lost a real friend. My life — and this country — is better for his being in it.”

Rare Soapbox Moment: I almost feel wrong writing about Paul Newman on this blog. The guy wasn’t a celebrity; he was a fucking ICON. Working his way up from a small Ohio town, Paul was renown for his acting chops as well as his disdain for Hollywood “rubbish.” After he grew weary of the movie business, Paul spent the latter part of his life giving literally millions of dollars to sick kids which puts him light years beyond the spoiled assclowns I cover on a daily basis. You know, the ones who pop out of their mothers’ hedge-fund vaginas and expect the world to be served to them on a silver platter – along with a reality show. Paul Newman forged his own path with PERSEVERANCE and TALENT then selflessly gave back ten-fold. They simply don’t make badasses like that anymore, and hats off to the handful of celebrities who’ve been inspired by his generosity. The rest of you, I hope a zebra shits on your foot.

Paul Newman, my coffee mug is raised to you, sir. Rest in Peace.

Apparently, I wasn’t joking when I said it’s “British Chicks in Lingerie Week.” Who knew? Anyway, here to round off the week are Page 3 Girls Rhian Sugden and Rosie Jones launching the Ann Summers store in Liverpool. If you’re wondering who is who, get the hell off my site. Ha! I’m kidding – about the leaving. I seriously have no clue what their names are, so, yeah, I’ll take that Pulitzer now.

Travis Barker is doing well and “feeling the love” from fans, according to his business partner Jermaine Dupri. Travis, along with DJ AM, are in the hospital after suffering severe burns when they escaped a plane crash that left four of his friends dead. People reports:

Barker’s improved spirits could be due to his newly outfitted hospital room: “He’s just now getting everything in the hospital set up for him – iPods, computers, everything that he needs,” says Dupri, who estimates Barker will be in the hospital another two weeks. “You got to make sure he is comfortable.”

I hope he likes the model planes I sent. Get well soon, Travis!

UPDATE: DJ AM just got out. That’s gotta burn I’m going to Hell.

Artist Jonathan Yeo created the above portrait of Paris Hilton using nothing but old porn magazines. He’s currently exhibiting the work at a London art gallery along with a portrait of George W. Bush using the same medium. This Yeo fellow clearly has a knack for knowing when not to waste paint. FOX News reports:

He got the idea for the collages following the cancellation of a commission by the White House to paint Bush in 2004. He made the portrait, anyway, but in the form of a collage using pieces of pornographic magazines.
Barrett said posters of the Hilton portrait, titled “Paris, 2008,” will be sold for $20 each at the gallery.
She said Yeo was offering Hilton proceeds from the sale of the posters as a “lighthearted” gesture because the hotel heiress has said she didn’t receive any money from the notorious 2004 sex video that starred her and then-boyfriend Rick Salomon.

Sadly, you can’t see any of the porn in this picture (Trust me, I’ve gone through ten magnifying glasses.), but this is probably the classiest thing that will ever happen to Paris Hilton. Until I mold a statue of her out of used condoms. I love art!

UPDATE: I found a nipple and a penis. What do you guys got?

Lindsay Lohan has reached the final straw with her father Michael Lohan. After another battle in the press this week, Chesty Chesteron of Chestrackistan has decided to file a restraining order against her old man. Page Six reports:

Sources said, that she’s “taking out an order of protection. He’s behaving so erratically that she’s terrified he’ll do something to her. She’s contacted her lawyer to arrange this.” Lindsay’s sister, Ali, “already has an order of protection against him, as does [mom] Dina. No one is speaking with him until he gets help.”

Jesus, don’t people hire hitmen anymore? Since when did Hollywood become a bunch of pansies? Somehow I can’t help but blame Ryan Seacrest. He knows what he did.

Chris Kattan’s ex-wife Sunshine Tutt is walking away with a bundle of cash after just two months of marriage, according to TMZ:

Sources tell TMZ there was prenup that would’ve given Tutt less that 10 grand — but a renegotiation just upped the ante to a low six-figure sum.
Tutt’s lawyer, Ronald Richards, told us: “My client is very relieved that she can leave this two month marriage with some resources that will allow her to rebuild her life.”

From $10,000 to six-figures? Somebody found the body of Cheri Oteri tied up under the bed. That’s always a deal-breaker.

Britney Spears’ new single “Womanizer” debuted today on Z100. I’ve got the audio for you after the jump and, surprise, it sounds like all her other stuff: processed shit. Now, I’m willing to concede Britney’s making steps forward in the looks department, but let’s get real, her voice just isn’t cut out for the music industry. In fact, I’m pretty sure monotone isn’t a key. Sure, I’m no musician, but one time I played Guitar Hero naked, so it’s safe to say I know a thing or two. If you’re finding yourself unable to argue with that statement, it’s because I slapped you silly with my infallible logic. It happens.

Chris Kattan’s ex-wife Sunshine Tutt is walking away with a bundle of cash after just two months of marriage, according to TMZ:

Sources tell TMZ there was prenup that would’ve given Tutt less that 10 grand — but a renegotiation just upped the ante to a low six-figure sum.
Tutt’s lawyer, Ronald Richards, told us: “My client is very relieved that she can leave this two month marriage with some resources that will allow her to rebuild her life.”

From $10,000 to six-figures? Somebody found the body of Cheri Oteri tied up under the bed. That’s always a deal-breaker.