Here it is, folks. Britney Spears’ album cover for Circus in all it’s airbrushed/Wait is that Heather Locklear? glory. As if the Internet wasn’t a flutter enough, Britney’s also released the full track listing - plus bonus song! HOLY SHIT BALLS! I’m practically speechless right now. Fortunately, “Super Fan” on the Britney Spears.com message board has left a comment that echoes exactly how I feel:

Ooooo…..MMMMMM…….GGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!…….
Brit ♥~~~ Your Cover is Amazing!!!
I Love You So Much!!~~~♥♥♥♥
Come To Taiwan, Please………….
Come to Taiwan, Please Come to Taiwan, Please Come to Taiwan, Please
Come to Taiwan, Please Come to Taiwan, Please Come to Taiwan, Please
Come to Taiwan, Please Come to Taiwan, Please Come to Taiwan, Please
I Need You!!~~~~~~~♥♥

Yeah. All that stuff. (Minus the 110% chance that a trip to Taiwan will end in Britney Spears being made into a coat.)

While other celebrity chicks are slutting it up for Halloween, Kate Moss is staying true to the holiday’s roots by flying to L.A. and scaring the bejeezus out of Angelenos with her natural looks. Keep in mind that Moss is a) only 34 years old and b) earns millions of dollars every year based solely on the fact that she’s supposed to be good-looking. Guess these are the results of lifetime spent slamming heroin directly into your eyeballs and hoovering up so much coke that your septum has more holes than the single-bullet theory. If this is the standard for supermodels these days then Abe Vigoda might as well throw on a pair of silk panties and pasties and hit up Calvin Klein for a contract. On the plus side, America’s economic crisis doesn’t seem nearly as scary compared to the fact that, if you’re a male, you’ve probably had a sexual fantasy about this monstrosity sometime within the last few years. Yeah, I know; it’s no king-size Snickers bar, but times are tough everywhere. Now get off my porch!

Okay, last one. (For today.) Here’s Kendra Wilkinson at Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon’s Halloween party in Manhattan last night. I have no idea what she’s supposed to be, but who the hell cares look at that butt. In the meantime, I should probably start finding out what’s happening in the real world. Al Qaeda could’ve blown up Tom Cruise, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, and the only thing I’d have to say for myself is “Kim Kardashian dressed up like Wonder Woman.” Because I kick ass!

Here’s Tracy Bingham showing up to some Halloween party dressed as a naughty police officer or something. Yes, that’s right, more photos of celebrities in costume on Halloween. Shocking, I know. I didn’t win this Pulitzer by delivering the expected. No, it was my bold reporting and for really going after the stories nobody else would cover. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to cover something about an “economies.” I’m not exactly sure what that is, but apparently it’s in bad shape and somebody’s got to report about it!

NOTE: Digging the headlines? I can do this all day. And by can I mean I am. WHEE!*

*Brought to you by sugar, high fructose corn syrup, and whatever the hell’s in these Pixie Sticks I just snorted.

Kim Kardashian dressed up like Wonder Woman for Halloween and as an avid comic book geek I can’t sit idly by without making a few comments:

1. WONDER WOMAN DOESN’T WEAR BLACK PANTYHOSE. Jesus. That’s borderline blasphemy! It’s pretty sad when Lynda Carter can probably pull off the original outfit - and she’s almost 60.
2. Wonder Woman’s mother is Amazon Queen Hippolyta not “Nazi Kris Jenner?” Surprise! You’re never working in Hollywood again.
3. How much do you charge to do birthday parties? Let’s not pretend cake isn’t the preferred method of payment.
4. It’s the “LASSO of Truth” not “ASSO of Lies.” Star-spangled buttpad here, here and here. (Or is she smuggling the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown?)

A lingerie-clad Mariah Carey and her husband Nick Cannon rode on the back of a fire engine to a Halloween party in New York City last night. So, if you live in the Big Apple and no one responded to your apartment burning down, take comfort knowing these two lovebirds made a grand entrance to their party - then went home to have sex on a pile of cash. Life is AWESOME!

These are pics of Heidi Montag decked out for Halloween, and while I dodged a bullet yesterday, there’s no way I’m not posting this latest set to hit my desk. Chins McJugs dressed up as a slutty cop? That’s everything this site stands for. When The Superficial Writers came over on the Mayflower trying to touch some Pilgrim boob, we dedicated ourselves to celebrating giant mammary glands regardless of sex, creed or vapid C-wordiness. That said, I tried to leave Spencer out of these pics as much as possible. Mostly because I’m an artist and want to make sure you guys capture the inner beauty of these photographs. (Read: Heidi Montag’s large, stupidly fake breasts.) Trick or Treat!

Jerry Seinfeld may be one of the richest entertainers alive, but apparently he’s always there for a friend. Even one who needs a private location to bang his undead mistress right after she announced her divorce. The Sun reports:

A Hamptons source said: “A-Rod arrived at the airport by helicopter and was whisked away in one of Seinfeld’s Porsches.
“Madonna arrived less than an hour later by helicopter and left with Seinfeld in another car.
“It is believed they all went to Seinfeld’s mansion for a discreet party for a few hours, before they all left separately.”
The meeting was on October 21, six days after The Sun revealed Madonna and Guy, 40, were to divorce. Madonna took a break from her world tour.

Okay, in all seriousness, I highly doubt Jerry Seinfeld let Madonna and A-Rod have unholy fornication in his mansion. Unless he planned on burning it down and collecting the insurance money. Wow, that came off as anti-Semitic. What I mean is, the few body fluids Madonna is capable of producing have supernatural properties rendering Jerry’s mansion unsafe for living. In fact, A-Rod’s with a priest right now getting his testicles exorcised after exposing them to “the shriveled gateway of Zuul.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that. See what I did there?

An Exclusive Behind the Scenes Look at Why You’re Staring at Paris’ Crusty Armpit:

Just after the Aubrey O’Day post, I’m sifting through photos that are available to me from various sources, and I come across a set of Heidi and Spencer pics which are stupid tempting on a day like today. But then I remembered, when it comes to these Fuck-faces, I’ve already been like the boyfriend who promised he wouldn’t cheat on you again - then banged your sister. (Twice.) So instead, I found shots of Paris Hilton in the wee hours of the morning outside her hotel in London. I guess they don’t make clear stick deodorant across the pond, or she’s not allowed in drug stores for fear of contamination. Either way: You’re welcome!

Former Danity Kane member Aubrey O’Day got drunk last night partying in West Hollywood and, Jesus, can you tell it’s the slowest news days known to man? Hilary Duff, Sophie Monk, Lance Bass and now Aubrey; where are the real celebrities hiding? Besides Barack Obama’s house - ’cause he’s a Commie! (Beat you to it.) But, seriously, somebody tell Britney Spears to eat one of her kids or something. I’ll be your best friend.

Lance Bass, who I’ve never seen in an interview before today (Do you think he’s gay?), stopped by E!’s Chelsea Lately last night where he admitted to motorboating his Dancing with the Stars opponent Cloris Leachman. How does that even happen? Glad you asked:

LANCE: I’m not sure I’m feeling this whole homosexual thing anymore. CLORIS!
CLORIS: Yes, Lance.
LANCE: BRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPTTTTTT!
CLORIS: Ready for the man-gina again now, dearie?
LANCE: Hell yeeeeah!
CLORIS: It’s nice to feel useful. Cookie?

Video after the jump.

Sophie Monk stopped by her agent’s office this morning and did some impromptu modeling in the elevator. I dunno about you, but I’d ask her to fax some stuff for me - then collate copies. After that: Alphabetizing - the sexiest office task of them all. Damn, is it getting hot in here? Anyway, it says something about Benji Madden that he goes from this to Paris Hilton and doesn’t commit suicide. - Namely that he’s a bald leprechaun and wants to steal me treasure. Burn him!

Hilary Duff, who I forgot even existed, just released her new video on MySpace and surprise! She’s trying to shed her Disney image by being the sexy bad girl. Originality strikes again, folks. While I give Hilary points for humping a lawn statute (No joke.), how many times am I going to see a former child-star caressing her pushed-up breasts to sell CDs? The answer: Not enough.

NOTE: Jamie Lynn Spears, do NOT do a sexy bad girl video in a few years while you’re pregnant with your third (or possibly fifth) child. I know the idea sounds great on paper/the KFC napkin you doodled on with a drumstick, but it’s not. That said, should you and Casey Alridge miraculously figure out how a condom or birth control pills work (mouth not the ear), then by all means, PROCEED.

Gwen Stefani posted the first “official” photo of her new baby Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale on her website. The maneuver is presumably in retaliation to being caught by the paparazzi at the Beverly Hills library yesterday. Cute baby though. Kind of reminds me of myself at that age. Shit, it reminds of myself at this age. Mostly because I stayed up all night again playing Halo in a diaper so I wouldn’t have to use the bathroom. PEW PEW PEW!

You know how Tara Reid’s stomach looks like it’s made of Silly Putty that’s been viciously stretched by a psychotic child? You know whose fault that is? The medically licensed butcher who operated on her? Uh-uh; it’s the media. People magazine reports:

Tara Reid has a message for anyone wishing to criticize her body: Enough already!
After unflattering bikini shots of her surfaced last week, Reid faced a barrage of Internet attacks aimed at her post-surgery figure. “I’ve been a media target for years now,” the actress, 33, tells PEOPLE. “It does hurt my feelings, but what can I do? I have to move on.”

That’s right; Tara Reid is a media target. Anyone who read the New York Times‘ Page One story, “Gov’t Says Tara Reid Hiding WMD in the Hollows In Her Fucked-Up Ass Cheeks” knows that. And just yesterday, Sean Hannity was demanding to know the full extent of the relationship between Tara Reid’s stomach and William Ayers. It’s all been a fiendish plot to sabotage her acting career and destroy any chance she has of winning an Oscar. Damn you, fourth estate!

Shocker—Keanu Reeves is not the best of drivers, and now he’s being sued for it. I know, I know; it sounds impossible, but as E! Online reports:

A vengeful paparazzo has put The Devil’s Advocate star on the hot seat.

Keanu Reeves took the stand at his civil trial today and denied dinging a photographer with his car as he was trying to evade flashbulbs back in March 2007, allegedly leaving the photog with debilitating injuries.

Using his hands to illustrate the scene, the 44-year-old star testified that he inched his black 1996 Porsche 911 Cabrio forward slowly to prod the paparazzo in question, Alison Silva, to put down his camera and move away from the vehicle.

“Did you hit him?” Reeves was asked by his attorney, Alfred W. Gerisch.

“No,” the actor replied.

Reeves asserted his Porsche never touched Silva, insisting the camera man walked backwards, lost balance and tripped over his own feet.

“Are you sure of that?”

“Yes,” said Reeves, adding that the only contact between his car and the shutterbug was when Silva put his hand on the hood.

Silva sued the Speed star for unspecified damages stemming from “serious injuries” suffered to his left wrist, causing pain and suffering and severely limited his earnings capacity.

In his suit, Silva alleged Reeves was covering his face when he was behind the wheel and acted negligently when he pulled away from the curb.

I’m still not sure how dinging a paparazzo is grounds for a lawsuit instead of cause for a Congressional Medal of Honor, but then there’s a lot about the law I don’t understand. (For instance, driving without pants—when the hell did that become a misdemeanor?) But this should be an entertaining trial, if only for the testimony:

LAWYER: “Could you please state your name for the record?”

KEANU: ” … ”

LAWYER: “Let the record show that defendant pointed to an image of himself on a tattered, yellowed newspaper ad for Little Buddha. Now, Mr. Reeves, can you tell the court what happened on the day in question?”

KEANU: “Can I have a Claritin?”

LAWYER: “Uh…???”

JUDGE: “I believe the defendant is asking for a clarification, counsel.”

LAWYER: “Very well, then. Can you tell me what happened on the day that the complainant alleges that you hit him with your car?”

KEANU: “Oh. Ummm….blueberries?”

LAWYER: (Rubs temples.) “Your honor, I would like to request a recess until defendant is able to properly answer the question.”

KEANU: “Whoa….”

Katie “Jordan” Price launched her new line of hair care products at SuperDrug in London today wearing another one of her ridiculous outfits, and I don’t know how the hell she’s successfully marketing this shit to women. Katie looks like Two-Face’s stripper sister who got puked on by a pink unicorn. Yeah, that’s probably the most erotic sentence I’ve ever typed in my life, but it’s no way to sell flat-irons to the fairer sex. That said, I’ll take twenty.

Here’s Linda Hogan at LAX today with her man-child lover Charley Hill. I love how she’s carrying his skateboard through the terminal as if to say “Sure, I bang kids straight out of high school, but I’m a still a mom.” On that note, I hope Linda remembered to pack his GameBoy and juice box, or she’s going to have an unhappy camper on her hands. (Double entendre NOT intended I’m throwing up in my mouth now.)

UPDATE: Make that the keyboard u0916u9jmkl;m;l,/;;;;-0pk[’

Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Justin Timberlake, Scarlett Johannson, Ryan Reynolds, Harrison Ford, Borat, Shia LaBeouf, Tobey MaDumbFace and a shitload of celebrities got together for a follow-up to the “Five Friends” video encouraging people to vote. Jesus, these things have sequels now? At least they got Spielberg to direct. Or, more like, FUCK they got Spielberg to direct. Thanks for the CGI gophers in Indy 4, asshole!

I don’t know about you guys, but this was definitely the last straw for me. I am so ready for this election to be over before Ashton Kutcher tells me to vote one more time, and I strangle him with a Kaballah bracelet. I honestly can’t wait to wake up on November 5th and learn our next president is… George Bush! Who will undoubtedly declare martial law and proclaim himself “Galactic Umpire” while Natalie Portman gives effortless birth to Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia. You heard it here first.

The folks over at Socialite Life got a hold of some pics of David Beckham ogling cheerleaders again at last night’s Lakers game (above). And seriously, who can blame the guy? Just look at his wife. Victoria Beckham’s built like an 18th century waif from a Charles Dickens’ novel: “Please, sir, may I have another - line of coke. I’m starting to grow breasts again.”

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen signed copies of their new book Influence yesterday at the Union Square Barnes & Noble in New York City yesterday. The twins had a strict set of rules for the event that basically entails them sitting at a table like mute Muppets who can’t believe they agreed to this. Here’s the entire set of guidelines via Racked.com:

1) Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Olsen will be with us for a limited time. They will only be signing copies of their book, Influence. They will not be speaking, reading or taking questions.
2) Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Olsen will NOT sign any memorabilia or product other than Influence. There is a limit of one book per person, and your one book must be purchased here.
3) You will be directed to pay for your book upon entering the store and will be given a receipt for your purchase. Please keep your receipt. You will receive your book at the signing table.
4) Along with your receipt, you will be given a B&N wristband, and then directed to the event space on the 4th floor. You must have a receipt and a wristband to access the 4th floor.
5) Anyone approaching the signing table must have paid for the book and be wearing a B&N wristband. One person, one wristband, one book.
6) You will collect your signed book at the signing table. If you have paid for any additional copies, a staff member will provide you with those before you exit the space.
7) There is no photography allowed. You must put away your camera or cell phone before approaching the signing table. The authors will not pose for photos.
If you leave, or the authors leave, before you are able to collect a signed book, you may present your receipt to a cashier for either an unsigned book or a refund. (Refunds only issued within 14 days of receipt.)
9) There will be no extra signed copies available after the authors leave the store. They will not be able to sign for anyone who is not on line. No pre-orders.

Since Mary-Kate and Ashley weren’t doing a Q&A, I decided to skip the event and figured I’d post my questions for them to get back to me at a later date. Here goes:

1. Do you ever pull that trick where you take the glass out of a mirror and pretend you’re the other one’s reflection - then punch her in the face?
2. Not counting John Stamos, has anyone ever called one of you “Michelle” in the heat of passion forcing you to shriek like a vampire bat and fly into the night?
3. What was it like murdering Heath Ledger, and on a scale from one to 10, what’d you think of The Dark Knight?

Looking forward to your answers. Cheers!

Wiliam Balfour, the prime suspect in the murders of actress/singer Jennifer Hudson’s mother, brother and 7-year-old nephew, should have been in jail the day of the killings. He was stopped by police with crack in his car back in June which was a violation of his parole from a 1999 conviction for attempted murder and vehicular hijacking. He was instead allowed to go free, according to the AP:

On June 19, police pulled over Balfour’s car after hearing gunshots in the area, according to the officers’ report. They found a rock of cocaine in plain view on the driver’s seat, the report stated. It had a street value of about $100.
A parole supervisor declined to issue a warrant to revoke Balfour’s parole after the arrest, records show.
However, a felony arrest usually is sufficient reason for corrections officials to revoke parole, said Thomas Peters, a Chicago criminal defense attorney who represents parolees.

Even better, when a warrant was issued on Saturday for William’s arrest they already had grounds for revoking his parole without even counting his suspected involvement in the murders:

The Illinois Department of Corrections issued a warrant for Balfour on Saturday for violating terms of his parole by possessing a weapon and failing to attend anger management counseling and a substance abuse program, according to his parole report.

While this is all Monday morning quarterbacking about a piss-poor parole system that goes on in every city, it’s still the kind of scary shit that makes you think “Maybe I don’t need groceries today” then hide under your bed eating old Saltines. On that note, NOM NOM NOM. Hey, I found the The Geekologie Writer’s mom. How long have you been under here? Cracker?

Britney Spears’ father Jamie Spears was granted a permanent conservatorship over her personal and financial affairs yesterday. The temporary conservatorship was set to expire Dec. 31, but everyone including Britney, agreed she can’t be left to her own devices. Us Magazine reports:

But after a lengthy closed-chambers meeting Tuesday and evaluation of her mental health records, Spears’ court-appointed attorney told the court commissioner that the singer had no objections with her father remaining in control.
“The court finds the proposed permanent conservatorship is necessary and appropriate [because of the] complexities of her financial and business entities and also potential for her being susceptible to influences,” said Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Reva Goetz, who has been presiding over the case.

So, basically Britney Spears is still fucking crazy and always just one bad influence away from flashing her vagina and snorting coke off Jayden’s Power Wheels. - But buy her new album Circus on Dec 2nd. Your kids’ll love it!

SUSIE: Britney’s new album!! EEEE! Santa did get my letter!
MOM: He sure did. Merry Christmas, honey.
SUSIE: I’m gonna rob a KFC, y’all!
MOM: Ha ha, oh, Susie… No, wait, she’s serious. Get out of the gun cabinet!

These are shots of Jessica Biel looking chesty at the 3rd Annual Rome International Film Festival, and it’s been so long since she’s been on this site, it’s practically a crime. In fact, the last time I posted about Jessica, a pterodactyl ate my brother. I honored him by clubbing his wife over the head then eating a rock.

R.I.P., Krog.

(P.S. In the afterlife, you might find out our mom was a woolly mammoth. I probably should’ve said something.)

David Letterman is growing visibly tired with having the “stars” of MTV’s The Hills on his show. Last night Lauren Conrad stopped by and you can tell Dave wasn’t in the sunshine up-the-ass blowing mood. Check out his comments:

On Lauren Conrad’s constant drama:
“That raises the question, maybe you’re the problem. You think? Let me give you an example from my own life. For a long time–10, 15, 30, 40 years–I thought, ‘Jeez people are idiots.’ And then it occurred to me, ‘Is it possible everyone’s an idiot?’ Maybe I’m the idiot.”

On Spencer Pratt:
“Spencer, what a weasel. He’s just the worst, that guy.”

On Brody Jenner:
“Let me just tell you something about Brody. If there was no television, this guy would be living in a tree.”

My favorite part is when Dave tells Lauren she’s the problem, and she just sits there stunned. She literally has no clue what just hit her. It’s called “REALITY”, and surprise! It doesn’t come with a pink script and a latte. OMFG!

Video after the jump.