Let me start by saying there are several things I would feasibly believe Nicole Richie possesses:

Pirate ship.
Unicorn.
One Ring to rule them all.
Jesus’ body.

But an ass? C’mon, there’s no way these aren’t Photoshopped. And, seriously, whoever did this, Optimus Prime’s face would’ve looked more realistic back there. You know, provided he was winking and smoking a cigar like Groucho Marx. I’m a helper

Good news, everybody! Despite what the media has been reporting (what with its anti-single-supermodels agenda), Miranda Kerr is not—repeat, not—marrying Orlando Bloom. People reports:

A rep for Bloom’s girlfriend Miranda Kerr is knocking down a report in the Australian media Sunday that the Pirates of the Caribbean star and the model are engaged.
“The story … is completely false and misleading,” the rep says. “Miranda herself has clearly stated she is not engaged. There is nothing else to be said.”
But while they’re not making marriage plans at present, Bloom, 31, and Kerr, 25, are still very much a couple, and Kerry recently spoke about someday settling down with a special someone and having kids.

Sounds like Orlando Bloom got punked pretty hard there. You just know that Miranda probably responded to his 1,000th whiny request to marry him with a, “Hmmm…maybe,” then after he bragged to all his buddies and about it and leaked it to the press, she sent her publicist out there to shoot him down. She probably plays all sorts of similar pranks on him, like “Got your nose” and “Hid your medication.” She just seems cool like that.

Seen here at Heathrow Airport this morning, Britney Spears’ European Tour (a.k.a. The Dumb Sauce Parade) came to an end last night after she performed on Britain’s X-Factor then celebrated her birthday at G-A-Y nightclub. While the X-Factor performance was basically a sloppy repeat of the Bambi Awards, at least someone had the foresight to not let her dress like Madonna again. Although in Britney’s defense, her ass looked crazy good. And not just because she’s crazy, but because I’d seriously consider using it as a decorative end table. Then again, I’m the hopeless romantic type. *sigh*

Videos after the jump.

Nancy Jarecki is an entrepreneur who sells dye for “hair down there.” While her product line Betty Beauty is taking off, Nancy needs to learn rule number one in the cutthroat pube dye business: Never out your celebrity clients. Page Six reports:

It’s not just women who are interested in matching the carpet to the drapes: Jarecki says so many men have bought the product that she plans to launch a “Betty for Men” line early next year. “I guess man-scaping for guys is really big these days,” she says, adding that she recently sent the entire assortment of colors to noted waxing enthusiast Diddy and got back a thank-you note from his assistant.
A Betty spokesperson adds that “Law & Order” brunette Mariska Hargitay, country singer Vince Gill, Jack Black and Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor also use the product.

For the record, I fancy myself a man-scaping enthusiast as well. Which is why my dude shrub comes complete with a gazebo, lawn gnome and barbecue pit. Also, cookout next Friday. BYOB. (There will be badminton.)

New York Giants Super Bowl star Plaxico Burress is having an awesome season. The controversial receiver accidentally shot himself in the leg early Saturday morning after a concealed gun slipped out of his waistband at a Manhattan club, according to NY Daily News:

Burress, 31, who was sporting flashy jewelry and carrying loads of cash, told club management he needed the gun to protect himself, sources said.
The mercurial Giant was waved inside the crowded Latin-themed club on Lexington Ave. about midnight. He downed several drinks, making already jittery security guards more nervous about his weapon.
As Burress was being led into a VIP area, with a drink in his hand, the gun slipped down his pants leg. He reached for the weapon, but fumbled it and it went off, sources said. The bullet tore through Burress’ already injured right thigh, police said.
“[The bullet] went in and out. No bones,” Chief Michael Collins, a police spokesman, said.

Of course, discharging a loaded handgun in a club might, I dunno, get you fucking arrested. So with some quick thinking, Plaxico employed the help of Giants linebacker Antonio Pierce who stashed the gun in Jersey. Just like that episode of The Sopranos where Tony gets the paper in his boxers:

Panicking, Burress told his teammate not to call 911 for an ambulance, sources said.
Pierce helped the bloodied receiver out of the club before taking off with the gun and stashing it somewhere in New Jersey, sources said.
Burress was afraid to go to the hospital, but two hours after the shooting, at 2 a.m., his wife, Tiffany, and a friend escorted him to New York-Presbyterian Hospital Weill Cornell. He was treated and released at about 12:45 p.m., sources said.
But a hospital spokeswoman denied that Burress was ever there.
Cops only learned about the incident after Giants employees quietly reached out to the NYPD to report it, sources said.

Damn! Ratted out by your own team? That’s gotta sting. Probably not as much a bullet to your already-injured leg, but Jesus. Anyway, let this be a lesson to the kids out there: Always use a holster.

And that’s one to grow on!

Miss me? Here’s Britney Spears performing “Womanizer” at the 2008 Bambi Awards in Germany. It’s sort of trippy seeing a bunch of fancy Germans in tuxes talk about Britney, only to have her show up on stage and once again have the timing of a three-toed sloth. Don’t get me wrong; she looks way better than last year’s VMA debacle, but Jesus, I employ more dance rhythm making toast. (Read: I do jazz hands after buttering the bread. “Butter. Kazaam!“)

EDIT: Added pics of Madotney. Video after the jump.

Nicolas Cage posed for this family photo in Vienna, Austria today with his girlfriend Alice Kim and son Weston Coppola Cage. Weston brought his girlfriend along who I really want to believe isn’t jockeying for that sweet Ghost Rider dough. Maybe she simply digs dudes who think dead fetuses make kickass necklaces. Who knows? Then again, she did just score a free trip to Vienna with Nathan Explosion here, so yeah….

NOTE: I’m getting axed in the face tonight, aren’t I? Sweet.

Pink debuted her latest video “Sober,” and before you guys flat line on me from reading those words, she has sexy sex with herself in it. Yup. In a ham-fisted allusion to masturbation, Pink drunkenly gets it on with a scantily-clad clone of herself while some other shit happens that probably makes sense to heroin addicts. What does make sense, is the undeniable moral of the story: If you drink too much, you’ll split into two people and have steamy sex with your doppelganger. — Really?

*chugs bottle of whiskey*

Yes, folks, I am that gorgeous. Also, this doesn’t make me gay!

NOTE: Video after the jump. Good stuff kicks in around 2:25 mark because who wants to hear Pink sing? (Not counting Randal.)

After word got out that Alex “A-Rod” Rodriquez was bailing on his kids to eat turkey with Madonna, he denied the reports and took his ex-wife Cynthia and their daughters out to eat Tuesday night right in front of the paparazzi (above). Ultimately, A-Rod did eat Thanksgiving dinner with his family in Miami, but then bolted to Madonna’s mansion to encourage Gwyneth Paltrow to become an adulterer - just like that Charlie Brown special! NY Daily News reports:

The third baseman hopped into his black Porsche around 4p.m. and sped off to Star Island - where Madonna has a home.
Sources say he is staying there while he’s in town, and witnesses saw his car parked there overnight.
Later, the kabbalah cronies celebrated at the estate of Jeff Soffer, the bachelor billionaire who reportedly has come between Gwyneth Paltrow and rocker hubby Chris Martin.
Feeding speculation that Paltrow and Martin are ready to split, Paltrow has been staying at Soffer’s Indian Creek Island mansion and spent Thanksgiving with him, sources said.
“Gwyneth has confided to friends she and Chris are taking a break,” a source claimed. “Jeff is crazy about her.”

Also, in case there were any doubts Madonna and A-Rod having unholy relations, he was spotted Wednesday night handing her a water bottle at her concert, according to E! News:

As Madonna completed her second song before a sell-out crowd in Miami’s Dolphin Stadium Wednesday night, New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez handed her a bottle of water.
“It was easy for him to hand it off because he was sitting in the front row,” a witness tells E! News. “He was all excited watching her perform.”
And, just like that, Madonna acknowledged in public, less than a week after her quickie divorce from Guy Ritchie, that A-Rod is indeed the superfan (and waterboy) he’s reportedly been for most of this year in private.

He handed her a water bottle?! Oh yeah, these two are fucking. In fact, I’m surprised they even had time to exchange bottles of water. That’s how much they’re fucking. Trust me, I know these things. I have a Ph.D. in Who’s Doing the Fucking. Okay, technically it’s an old pizza box with “Dr. Naked Stuff” written in Elmer’s Glue and glitter, but still, ladies?

Miss me? Here’s Britney Spears performing “Womanizer” at the 2008 Bambi Awards in Germany. It’s sort of trippy seeing a bunch of fancy Germans in tuxes talk about Britney, only to have her show up on stage and once again have the timing of a three-toed sloth. Don’t get me wrong; she looks way better than the 2007 VMA debacle, but Jesus, I employ more dance rhythm making toast. (Read: I make jazz hands after buttering the bread. - Kazaam!)

What did Winona Ryder have to be grateful about this Thanksgiving? Probably the fact that her celebrity status allows her to get high out of her mind on goofballs, swipe whatever she wants and pretty much walk away from it all without legal repercussions. Fresh from her Xanax-fueled airplane collapse last week, Ryder, who has a history of “forgetting” to pay for things, apparently got a sweet, sweet discount on $125,000 worth of diamond jewelry over the weekend. The New York Post reports:

Sticky-fingered actress Winona Ryder mysteriously lost a diamond-encrusted bracelet and ring worth more than $125,000, according to a published report.

Ryder told Bulgari jewelers that she misplaced their gems, which had been out on loan, after wearing them at a Marie Claire bash in Madrid on Sunday, according to the French celebrity-news magazine Voici.

The “Girl, Interrupted” star - convicted in 2002 of shoplifting in Beverly Hills - claimed she lost the precious stones after handing them in an envelope to her hotel’s front desk for safe keeping.

But Voici reported no hotel surveillance cameras captured Ryder giving the jewels to front-desk personnel.

Bulgari has asked police in Madrid to investigate, according to Voici.

A representative for the actress did not return phone and e-mail messages seeking comment last night.

A US-based spokeswoman for the famed Italian jeweler confirmed that the company had loaned gems to Marie Claire magazine for event organizers to then lend to celebrity partygoers.

The Bulgari representative declined to discuss Ryder or say whether any jewels were missing.

Gotta love the Hollywood-size sense of entitlement at work here. But if Winona really wants to stay fresh and vital as an artists, she needs to expand her repertoire. It would be nice to see Ryder in a bowling hat and fake mustache out on the Atlantic City boardwalk, bilking naive passersby with a Three Card Monte scam. Or a mass e-mail offering to share her vast family fortune, if you’ll just provide your bank-account information so she can transfer the money out of her war-torn region of Beverly Hills. Come on, Winona; put on your thinking cap! Or pop a few Oxy-Contins. Same difference.

Liz Hurley: She’s hot, she’s British, she’s totally violent. Hugh Grant’s ex returned to her London home yesterday, her Louis Vuitton suitcase smartly accessorized by a set of skinned, bloody knuckles. Which is sexy and everything, but I’ve talked to her over and over again about her possessive streak. I’m flattered that you feel the need to defend my honor, Liz, but you really should have heard Kate Beckinsale out about her proposed three-way before decking her. It’s really not that bad of an idea, especially with Christmas coming up. Think about it, and I’ll totally stop hounding you about getting me a puppy this year, I promise.

Hey, guys, I’ll be taking off the next two days for some R&R, but The Superficial will return to it’s regularly scheduled posting on Saturday Nov. 29. For those who haven’t noticed: Yes, Virginia, there’s posting on the weekends now. Whee!

In the meantime, here’s pics of Kim Kardashian who’s thankful this year for paparazzi that don’t always go for the ass shot and, as usual, O.J. Simpson’s prior access to knives.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Britney Spears (seen here in Frankfurt, Germany yesterday) is “crash dieting” to drop at least seven pounds before performing on X Factor this weekend, according to the Daily Mail:

A source said: ‘She goes to bed hungry and is dieting so hard she’s suffering from insomnia, anxiety, flushes and shakes. Her father and the people around her are trying to get her to eat more, but Britney is determined not to be criticised for having any extra bulk.’

Britney’s people reportedly became alarmed when she only ordered two Whoppers at Burger King last night as opposed to her usual five. (One for each hand, foot and mouth.) Her father Jamie wept for hours, cradling his knees in the corner and asking “Where’d my little girl go? Where’d she go?” He used to love kissing her forehead at night, the smell of pepperoni pizza still clinging in her hair. Not anymore, my friends. Not anymore…

There’s been something missing from Whitney Houston’s life since her 2007 divorce from Bobby Brown. Namely, someone who’ll cuddle with at night, pack and light her crack pipe, and cure her constipation by digging around in her butt with his fingers. But those dark, lonely days may be coming to an end. The Chicago Sun-Times reports:

We’ve heard it before, but folks inside Whitney Houston’s circle of pals again insist the on-the-rebound diva and ex-husband Bobby Brown may be getting back together.

The official word from Camp Houston sticks to to the old line about the divorced couple remaining separate, ”but good friends whose primary interest is the well-being of their daughter.” Yet, several Georgia sightings of Houston and Brown in recent days—clearly looking very romantic while dining together—seem to boost the reliability of what I’m hearing. I’m also hearing that the divorced couple’s daughter Bobbi Kristina is eager for her parents to remarry.

Hallelujah, it’s a holiday miracle! And they’re doing it for the right reason, too—their kid. In this age of broken homes, too many children go to bed at night, unhaunted by visions of Daddy trying to smoke his own dandruff while Mommy screams at the invisible man in the corner. But Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are doing their part to reverse this disturbing societal trend. Could dual UN ambassadorships be far behind?

Natalie Portman recently passed on the role of a nun in the upcoming movie Doubt based on the hit play. Playwright John Patrick Shanley reveals why Natalie skipped out on the role: She’s not down with celibacy. Page Six reports:

“I’m trying to think of what the etiquette is on this,” Shanley chuckled, blushing a bit. Urged on by a blogger for gossipsauce.com, he continued, “Well, we asked Natalie Portman, and Natalie was very interested but kept saying she had a problem. And we finally nailed down as to what the problem was. She basically said she didn’t understand celibacy.”

I feel a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of Star Wars geeks suddenly cried out at once “GEH! My lightsaber won’t go down!”

Aubrey O’Day is no idiot. After recently being kicked out of Danity Kane by P. Diddy, she made a beeline for Hugh Hefner while the mediocre fame is still fresh and posed for an upcoming issue of Playboy, according to TMZ:

TMZ spies say the Danity Kane has-been spent all day at a Manhattan photo studio doing a spread for Playboy, and we’re told hotshot photog Markus Klinko was the guy who had to look at her naked body all day through the lens.

That’s actually a smart move part considering the current economic climate. It’s never a bad idea to build a little nest egg before returning to your artistic roots as a truck-stop stripper. In fact - *brriiing* Shit, gotta take this. It’s Suze Orman. - Yes, Suze. Stop making you look bad? Oh, geez, I’m sorry. Tell you what, I’ll stop giving out insanely awesome financial advice - but only cause I love ya, baby. We still making love on top a pile of homeless people later? Fantastic.

Beyonce performed on The Today Show this morning, and I don’t know sign language, but I’m pretty sure I can decipher the message being delivered here:

“Kim Kardashian, it’s on. My ghetto booty vs. your buttpad. Downtown LA. November 29. 6-8 PM. (On account of rain, butt-off will be moved indoors.) Bring a covered dish.”

Again, no sign language expert. But I think I caught the gist.

Video after the jump.

Fa la la la! Ann “I’ll Say My Own Mother is a Queer Terrorist to Sell Books” Coulter’s jaw is reportedly wired shut after she broke it it in an undisclosed incident, according to Page Six. Wow. Can you folks excuse me? I suddenly feel the need to laugh hysterically for the next 20 years of my life. No, really, this could take a while.

Thanks to Josh who wonders how Ann Coulter will lay her demon eggs now that her mouth is sealed shut. Good question. There a scientist in the house?

A topless Dita Von Teese appears in the December issue of Playboy Germany and, sonofabitch, that’s it. I’m moving to Germany. I thought this country was kickass, but when we can’t even get Dita Von Teese to pose in our Playboy, it’s time to pack it in and start selling states to Canada. I’m not even joking. Which is why I’d like to announce the launch of my new site: Das Oberflächliche.com!

Sieg Heil, bitches.

NOTE: Pics to link NSFW versions which give new meaning to the scientific term “nipples the size of dinner plates.”

With the kind of tolerance that Amy Winehouse has built up over the years, you’d think she’d be able to inject nuclear waste directly into her eyeballs and at worst come down with a case of the giggles. But no, it seems that prescription drugs are her Achilles’ heel. CNN reports:

Winehouse, 25, went to the private London Clinic on Sunday, said her spokesman, Chris Goodman. He said Winehouse’s medication made her ill and her doctors asked her to come in so they could investigate.
Goodman did not disclose what type of medication was involved, saying only it is part of her “ongoing treatment.” It was not clear Tuesday whether she had been discharged.

And here I was going to challenge her to a Ny-Quil chugging contest. What a letdown. This is like finding out that Superman wears lingerie under his costume. Or that Lindsay Lohan’s crotch doesn’t host a collection of STDs so powerful that it’s actually on the FBI’s terrorism watch list. Luckily, we still have my ability to bend steel girders with an intense gaze to cling to. Otherwise Thanksgiving would be totally ruined.

Pete Wentz called into Ryan Seacrest this morning to talk about what it was like seeing the birth of little doomed-for-life Bronx Mowgli. Us Magazine reports:

“Right before she went into labor, I was like, ‘Oh my God, I think I’m having a heart attack!’ Natural things start going on in your body,” Wentz went on. “My heart started beating really fast.”
He explained, “You see your wife in all this pain, and you really don’t know what’s happening.”
But Ashlee “took care of me and made sure I was OK and then we went into labor,” Wentz told Seacrest. “That’s why she’s a saint.

Pete, just FYI, that strange thing you saw is called a “vagina,” and somebody put a baby in Ashlee’s. Now, I don’t know who did it, but if you hop in the back of the Mystery Machine with Shaggy and Scoobs here, I’m pretty sure we can all figure out it was Joe Simpson. Let’s roll!

Remember when I said Britney Spears should never leave the house without being airbrushed? I forgot one important fact: You can’t airbrush trailer park. Seriously, did Britney shoot this Rolling Stone cover herself? “Here’s mah belly, y’all! It’ll sell them maggerzines.” Anyway, if you can’t tell, the latest issue features an interview with “new and improved” Britney who keeps getting more precious every time she talks. And by more precious I mean someone’s getting an ear bit off soon:

On her new subdued life:
“I feel like an old person now,” she says one afternoon, as a manicurist applies rhinestones and girly pink lacquer to her chewed-up nails. “I do! I go to bed at, like, 9:30 every night, and I don’t go out or anything, you know what I mean? I just feel like an old fart.”

On her appearance:
She says she’s considering lopping off the weave she’s worn since shaving her head in 2007, and when she counts up her tattoos — “Seven! Oh, my God, y’all!” — she falls back into the couch giggling, kicking her feet in the air.

On her dad’s iron fist:
She is watched over day and night by security guards Jamie hired (and she’s paying for); it’s also rumored that Britney’s phone calls are closely monitored and that she’s not allowed to drive her own Mercedes. Recently, says one source with ties to the Britney camp, Jamie fired a guard who let the singer use his phone. (Her rep denies the claim.)

On Kevin Federline:
“They don’t look like their father at all,” she continues. “And it’s weird ’cause they’re starting to learn words like ’stupid,’ and Preston says the f-word now sometimes. He doesn’t get it from us. He must get it from his daddy. I say it, but not around my kids.”

Oh, wow, that’s fucking awesome: Britney Spears criticizing Kevin Federline’s parenting. Amazing. First, it was her dad completely turning her life around and saving her from lying dead in a ditch of crazy. Now, it’s Kevin Federline, who may be a douche, but didn’t use their sons as coasters. At this point, I’m pretty sure you could drop Britney in the desert with a canteen, and she’d bitch about the water: “Why is this dumb shit keeping me hydrated? I hate you, wet stuff!”

In fact, let’s do that. I’ll rent the chopper.

Hugh Jackman is People’s Sexiest Man Alive this year, and two-time winner George Clooney ain’t too happy about it. You see, nobody cock-blocks The Clooney’s lonely housewife buffet. NOBODY:

“George Clooney rang me at two in the morning,” Jackman told PEOPLE Monday at the Australia premiere in New York City. “I was half asleep and I said to him, ‘Ah, George sweetie, good to hear from you.’ “
But this was not a courtesy call. “He goes, “Shut up, Jackman!’ ” the Aussie actor jokingly recounted. “[He said,]‘I know what you did! You started this big campaign that’s been going on and [you] took the title away from me.’ “
“I thought that was unnecessary,” Jackman deadpanned.

What Hugh Jackman will also find unnecessary is getting stabbed in the back by while taking a shower. George Clooney don’t fuck arou-

*SMASH*

Jesus! Folks, stay calm. Tom Cruise just dove through the window and is demanding I type more about this shower stabbing business. Also, he’s got a gun. Call the police.

*SMACK*

Alright, alright! I’ll do it. Damn, your tiny midget hands are strong - and do I detect lavender? No, no, you’re absolutely right. It does add a hint of femininity.

What you’re looking at is security tape footage of Lindsay Lohan at a Washington D.C. club where Samantha Ronson recently DJ’ed. Highlights include: Recovering alcoholic Lindsay pouring herself vodka and Red Bulls; some lesbian making out (Or heterosexual. Who knows?); more making out which is obviously interrupting Lindsay’s texting, Gawd; and, finally, like every single night since Lindsay’s been 12, a coke deal. *sniff* She’s still mommy’s little angel…