Here’s Paris Hilton celebrating New Year’s Eve at The Bongo Virus party in Sydney. Hold on, she’s in the future already?! Jesus, how did this happen? Aw man, she’s going to get VD all over 2009 before we even get there. Guess I better start practicing having it burn when I pee. Anyone got a lighter?

Happy New Year! I think. Goddammit, Paris…

In an effort to quash rampant divorce rumors, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have escaped to Puerto Rico for the next few days to prove their love is strong. Because being in the same place at the same time totally constitutes a healthy relationship. No, really, these two couldn’t be more convincing if they procreated on a fighter jet in front of my house. True story. E! News reports:

“They are on a holiday vacation,” says Anthony’s rep.
Two days ago, Lopez and Anthony met up with friends and family for dinner at Marmalade, a trendy, upscale restaurant in the old-town section of San Juan.
“Jennifer and Marc looked very happy, so it is hard for me to believe the rumors that their marriage is in trouble,” the eatery’s general manager, Trace Donaldson, tells E! News. “They were laughing and seemed to be having a great time.”

Okay, I get it. Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have a large Latin audience who are devout Catholics. However, c’mon, these people love Ricky Martin who’s not only gay, but adopted twin babies whom the Bible says he will no doubt inject with his gayness. Yet, I guarantee his next album will go triple cayenne pepper, or whatever they use to notate musical success. [Edit: Kittens in sombreros.]

Matt Dillon was busted last night for driving 106 mph in Vermont. The posted speed limit was 65, according to the AP.

When will the universe stop crapping on this guy? First, he loses Cameron Diaz. Then his brother Kevin becomes the big star of the family. And now he gets arrested in Vermont after slathering his naked body in maple syrup. What do you mean that wasn’t in the article? You gotta read between the lines. That’s why I’m the journalist, and you’re the voice in my head.

Matt Dillon was busted last night for driving 106 mph in Vermont. The posted speed limit was 65, according to the AP.

When will the universe stop crapping on this guy? First, he loses Cameron Diaz. Then his brother Kevin becomes the big star of the family. And now he gets arrested in Vermont after slathering his naked body in maple syrup. What do you mean that wasn’t in the article? You gotta read between the lines. That’s why I’m the journalist, and you’re the voice in my head.

Charles Barkley was arrested for DUI early this morning in Arizona after supposedly getting trashed with Michael Strahan and, no joke, Urkel, according to The Dirty. Suddenly, this news item went from boring to sad faster than you can say “Got any cheeeese?”

I have no respect for myself.

After dominating the Christmas box office, Jennifer Aniston is spending New Year’s Eve with the most important person in her life right now: Courteney Cox Arquette. Yup, Jen is staying in Los Cabos with the family of her old Friends co-star (OMG! They really were best friends!) while John Mayer is quarantined to a separate beach house with his brother. Whee! People reports:

While the couple appear to be staying in separate residences, their places are just a short drive away – and are connected by a private beach perfect for long walks at sunset.
Aniston is making a tradition of spending the holidays with the Arquettes, having spent a festive night out with them at Mastro’s Steakhouse in Beverly Hills on Christmas Eve.

JEN: I mean, I did have the #1 movie in America over the holiday. Do you think I should sleep with him?
COURTENEY: Eww! Eww! No. God, no.
JOHN: I’m sitting right here.
JEN: No one knows for certain if all the publicity from our “relationship” helped, right? And it’s not like we had a contract.
COURTENEY: Exactly.
JOHN: Hello?
JEN: Plus, he was hanging around that Pete Wentz kid.
JOHN: I’m a studio exec with lots of money and scripts catered to a strong female lead.
JEN: *flashes her breasts* Dammit! It’s just John.
COURTENEY: Seriously, not cool. Now help me get my pants off the ceiling fan.

While Dane Cook’s been busy stealing other people’s joke, his own brother has been stealing from him, according to TMZ:

Darryl McCauley — who was in charge of Cook’s financial affairs since the 90s — was arrested today by the Massachusetts State Police and charged with three counts of larceny and forgery.
Authorities say in one case, Dane’s bro forged a $3 million check and deposited it in his account.

While I’m convinced Dane Cook’s movies are made for the intent purpose of interrogating terrorists, that’s gotta suck finding out your own brother has been ripping you off. Wait. Didn’t I hire my brother to be my accountant? Oh, shit…

UPDATE: So I checked the books and all I found was a fistful of strip club receipts and a G.I. Joe. Phew. Everything’s still there.

These are pics of Prince Harry and his girlfriend Chelsy Davy vacationing on the island of Mauritius. Man, if I were in the royal family, I’d knight my own penis then chivalrously have my way with everything from Big Ben to the Queen of England. I mean, sure, Chelsy is alright, I guess. But does she tell time on top of Parliament or look like my grandmother? Then I bid you “nay.” Sir Cockerton of PantsHugely demands satisfaction! Here here!

Tony Romo asked for Jessica Simpson after collapsing in the Cowboys shower room from popped cartilage in his ribs. TMZ reports:

As if totally choking in the biggest game of the season weren’t bad enough, Tony Romo had to have Jessica “Yoko” Simpson rush to his side to help him with a little popped-out cartilage.

In Tony Romo’s defense if I thought I was dying, I’d be crying for my girlfriend’s insane cleavage too.

TONY: Oh, God, bring me Jessica. I need Jessica!
COACH: All we have is a can of Campbell’s Chunky Soup with two water balloons taped to it.
TONY: That’ll work.

Eva Longoria Parker hates cheaters and has no qualms about going private eye on their asses, according to NY Daily News:

If she discovered a pal’s man was unfaithful, “(I’d) tell her,” the Desperate Housewife declares in Glamour magazine’s February Man issue, adding that she’d even resort to sneaky tactics to expose the guy.
“I would probably take a picture with my camera phone first,” she says. “It’s tough, because sometimes people kill the messenger. But I think the truth always comes out, regardless of who tells us.”

Real smooth, Eva. Now every cheater in America knows to watch out for a garden gnome with a camera phone when they’re out with their mistress. “Is that a pointy red hat?! Shit, act like you’re my sister. So, hey, remember that dad guy? He was great. Wait, it’s a traffic cone. Phew. Now I don’t have to explain why I’ve been fondling your breasts this whole time.”

An Oscar contender for his starring role in The Wrestler, Mickey Rourke reportedly sent a text message to a Hollywood insider trashing Sean Penn’s acting in Milk and called him a homophobe, according to The Daily Beast:

On December 28, a Los Angeles entertainment honcho shared a text message with me that Rourke had sent him: “Look seans an old friend of mine and i didnt buy his performance at all—thought he did an average pretend acting like he was gay besides hes one of the most homophobic people i kno” [sic]
Miami friends of Rourke acknowledge he is brutally honest, even to his own detriment. “Mickey will call a spade a spade,” says a long time acquaintance. “Even if he makes you cringe sometimes with what he says, at least you’ll know he’s not bullshitting you.”

While my brain attempts to fold in on itself trying to differentiate between “pretend acting” and “non-pretend acting,” at least we know for certain that Mickey Rourke isn’t homophobic. Clearly, here’s a man who’s not afraid to give his career the most vigorous corn-holing of its life. Well played, sir.

Here’s renowned fashion designer Donatella Versace on the beach at St. Barts and doing a damn fine job of trying to make me bleed from the eyes. On that note, someone needs to tell Donatella Schindler’s List is a movie, not a fashion statement because, no joke, this woman’s only 53. Until I looked it up, I would’ve sworn her age was beef jerky.

Angelina Jolie has been advised by doctors to put down the uterus. After her last two pregnancies ended with complications, she’d be facing significant health risks with another baby. OK! Magazine reports:

“Her previous pregnancies ended with emergency caesarian secions,” an insider tells OK!. “She’s been told that, at the least, she should not get pregnant for a year after her last deliver, and it would be safer if she did not get pregnant, ever.”
The health complications this time around could pose a direct danger to the Changeling star, Dr. Larrian Gillespie, who has not treated Angie, tells OK!.
“Angelina is at risk of having a stroke or heart attack, and because she developed gestational diabetes, there is a high risk she’ll have it again, with the child being at risk for diabetes.”

In related news, Brad Pitt was seen at a local bank sulking while placing his penis in a safe deposit box. In the distance, the cackle of Jennifer Aniston’s laughter could be heard in the air. Or a pig got hit with a lawnmower. We’re looking into it.

India is abuzz with rumors that Britney Spears is dating her “Womanizer” choreographer Sandip Soparrkar, according to Associated Content:

What does Britney Spears have to say about a budding romance with the hot choreographer Sandip Soparrkar? In true celebrity fashion, she says everything and nothing all at once: “Sandip is a very handsome man.” Soparrkar himself claims they’ll only be working, but he also teases the press subtly, saying that “I am planning to do the rumba, which is the dance of love.”

The two reportedly met at a party thrown by Madonna, so for all we know, this is just an elaborate ruse to find the Temple of Doom and turn it into a Kaballah center.

SHORT ROUND: Why do I have to wear this bracelet, Dr. Jones?
INDY: Ack! I’m hallucinating about Asian boys again! *jumps out window*

Sarah Palin’s unwed teenage daughter Bristol Palin gave birth to a baby boy Saturday, according to People:

“We think it’s wonderful,” said Colleen Jones, the sister of Bristol’s grandmother Sally Heath, who confirmed the news. “The baby is fine and Bristol is doing well. Everyone is excited.”
The baby’s name is Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston and he was born at 5:30 a.m., according to Jones.

Tripp? Seriously? I don’t get why Bristol’s being subtle. She might as well name her son “Hey, mom, I smoke my face off and have unprotected sex with my redneck boyfriend every time you’re at church.” I mean, it’s Sarah Palin we’re talking about here. She’s just gonna call the kid a “Maverick” then give him a handgun to play with. “Aw, is there anything more adorable? *BAM* That dog was getting old anyway. *BAM* Hey, it’s not like I can’t remarry. *BAM* Oh, boy, I get to meet Jesus!”

Here’s photos of pop singer Katy Perry on vacation in Mexico. I really don’t know anything about her, but suddenly I feel like she’s the greatest vocal talent on Earth. Call it a hunch. Call it intuition. Call it sheer cunning, but there’s just something about this woman that says boobs. Er, talent. – - No, boobs.

- Jennifer Lopez, despite rumors to the contrary, is not getting a divorce, according to her rep. Oh, well, if her rep says so, then it must be true. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get one of these rep people to tell a child support judge I’ve been sterile my entire life. Infallible logic wins again! [E! Online]

- Jessica Simpson’s boyfriend Dallas quarterback Tony Romo collapsed in the shower after suffering a rib injury in yesterday’s game against the Eagles. At this time, I’d like to point out to Jessica Simpson that all my ribs are in working order. Just putting it out there on the off-chance she learned to read recently. Ha, who am I kidding? [ESPN]

- Chris Martin can apparently walk among us normal folks without being recognized. Seems no one knows who the Coldplay singer is despite the fact he bangs Gwyneth Paltrow. I’m failing to see the problem here. Does he want people to know he diddles a woman who’s one Pilates class away from looking from Madonna? I’d keep that on the down-low, Jim. It’s Chris? Okay, sure. [Page Six]

- Oprah Winfrey has been duped by another memoir writer. After raving over Holocaust survivor Herman Rosenblat’s novel Angel on the Fence about meeting his wife in a concentration camp, the story has been debunked and pulled off bookshelves. Which is great, just great. Now who’s going to pitch my memoir Yes, Ladies, It’s That Big, Shoots Diamonds, Gives Back Rubs and Knows How to Maximize Deductions for the Tax Return You Deserve!? Sonofa…. [TMZ]

Michael Lohan has foregone taking responsibility for dropping a holiday bomb that he fathered a love child and opted to blame Samantha Ronson for writing Lindsay’s Christmas Eve blog where she lamented about her dad’s wayward wang. Page Six reports:

Michael told People.com he believes there’s a “99 percent chance” the missive was actually penned by Lindsay’s girl friend. Ronson laughed yesterday about Michael’s allegation. “Ha! That’s funny, but I don’t ghost-write My Space blogs,” the Sapphic record-spinner told Page Six. “Good thing he left that 1 percent window open so he wasn’t 100 percent wrong for once.

Wait, people ghost-write blogs? Take it away, Stephen King:

No one bothered to tell Lindsay and her lover Samantha that lesbians weren’t allowed in the pet cemetery that night. But Old Caretaker Rick Capshaw knew as he watched precariously from his kitchen window that, let’s assume, is in Maine. (Surprise, I live there!) What happened next would rattle his neighbors to their very co – Hey, is that a van? Not again. Oh noes!

The master of horror, folks.

With her breasts set to “Surprisingly exist then confuse,” Paris Hilton took her new BFF Brittany Flickinger shopping in Melbourne, Australia yesterday. So, how long do you think this whole BFF thing will last? I mean, I understand Paris is contractually obligated by MTV to be spotted everywhere with Brittany, but there’s no way this isn’t going to end in a fiery ball of herpes and accusations of white slavery. You know when the cameras are off, Brittany’s washing the Bentley and polishing silverware while living on nothing but table scraps from Tinkerbell. Sure, it’s Olive Garden, but the little bitch always eats the breadsticks. Why, God, WHY?

Tom Cruise sat down for an interview with The Sun where he revealed his plans to use Katie Holmes like some sort of baby pump. I mean, c’mon, he didn’t kill her acting career for nothing. That’d be kind of a dick move, don’t you think? Anyway, here are the ramblings of a man trying to win back your love:

On having more kids:
“I want ten children. I love kids. I feel really fortunate to have the teenagers and a two and a half-year-old. It’s a great dynamic.”

On the sixteen year age gap with Katie Holmes:
“If I’m worried about anything, it’s if she can keep up with me. I’m very active.”

On going to activities with his kids:
“I go to the children’s groups like other daddies. At first people look at me like, ‘My God, it’s him!’ and they treat me a little differently. But then they realise I’m just a father with my kids. It’s up to me to make everybody else feel okay about the fact that I’m there, and then everything just goes on.”

On discussing Scientology in interviews:
“I say, ‘That’s it, no more — go to the Scientology website’. I think I could have handled things better. I came across as arrogant and I didn’t communicate well.”

So, essentially, Tom Cruise just said Katie Holmes is out of shape because she can’t keep up with him, but it’s cool because she’s going to be pregnant soon anyway. Tom Cruise, ladies. So empowering. So dreamy. *sigh*

Hey, let’s inject relationship drama into the high-stakes world of box office projections. Oh boy! Jennifer Aniston’s Marley & Me opened on Christmas day against her ex-husband Brad Pitt’s The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. In spite of all logic and reason, Jennifer’s movie actually had the top B.O. for Jesus’ birthday and went on to take the rest of the holiday weekend, according to Variety:

Twentieth Century Fox’s canine comedy “Marley and Me” was the surprise pick of the litter at the crowded Christmas box office — grossing a hefty $51.8 million for the long weekend — but there was plenty of coin to go around in one of the most prosperous holiday seasons ever for Hollywood.

Somewhere, Brad Pitt is being forced to wear the gimp outfit by Angelina Jolie. “You lost to the dog movie?! I’d close my vagina permanently if there weren’t babies falling out of it. Speaking of – *foosh* MADDOX! Sell your Xbox to buy some diapers for mommy. Now, what we’re we talking about?”

Here’s supermodel Elle Macpherson in a bikini at Sydney Harbor on Sunday. If you don’t know who Elle Macpherson is, congratulations, I’m old. That said, remember the episode of Friends when Elle was Joey’s roommate time I built a Ferrari with a chainsaw then sucker punched a grizzly bear after making love to a beautiful woman? Chandler was so jealous! Chandler was so jealous!

Awesome news, America; Whitney Port’s new reality show, The City, premieres tonight, and she invites you all to watch it! For anyone hasn’t heard yet (hey, it’s the holidays; you’re forgiven), The City follows Hills alum Whitney Port as she weaves through New York and makes her mark on the fashion world. Which should be pretty obvious, from the completely flattering dress she’s wearing in the above photo. (You can probably log onto OfficialWhitneyPort.com for all sorts of fashion tips from her, like how to make a really cool hat from a bird’s nest.) If I walk around in a Hefty bag cinched with police crime-scene tape, can I have my own reality series too? I suppose anything could happen. *Sniff*; America—it really is the land of opportunity!

Apparently, when you star on a reality TV series that has you cruising for male companionship and you look like you spend more time than RuPaul in front of the mirror before leaving the house, certain misperceptions can develop among the general public. (The world can be so cruel.) Brody Jenner knows this (but, to be fair, he knws pretty much everything). So in an effort to cut off any rumors at the pass before his reality series Bromance (which is not suspiciously titled at all, so stop saying that) hits the air, the Brod-meister decided to set things straighter than a lumberjack with a 12-pack of Labatt’s swirling around in his unquestionably heterosexual belly. Which probably made him late for his eyebrow-sculpting appointment, but sometimes sacrifices have to be made in the name of the truth.

Well, who couldn’t be convinced by that? Because if there’s anything in the world that will convince a person that you’re not gay, it’s going out of your way to produce a video in which you adamantly insist that you’re not a homosexual. In fact, it would do Senator Larry Craig good to log onto BrodyJenner.com for surefire tips on persuading the world that he’s heterosexual. They have free wi-fi at most airports, right?

Here’s supermodel Elle Macpherson in a bikini at Sydney Harbor on Sunday. If you don’t know who Elle Macpherson is, congratulations, I’m old. That said, remember the episode of Friends when Elle was Joey’s roommate time I built a Ferrari with a chainsaw then sucker punched a grizzly bear after making love to a beautiful woman? Chandler was so jealous!