Here are some shots of Orlando Bloom sporting tattoos all over his body and walking around topless in leather pants. And yeah, sure, I guess I could mention he’s on the set of some movie, but then you probably… …read full story

Jamie Spears has obtained a temporary restraining order against Sam Lutfi, Adnan Ghalib and John Eardley, an attorney who, a year ago, attempted to challenge Britney Spears’ conservatorship without having any legal grounds to do so. The three have.. …read full story

Kim Kardashian continues her defense of Jessica Simpson, but this time taking it to a venue that’s pretty much the mecca of insight and empowerment. Ha, just kidding. She wrote on her blog: I was doing Super Bowl interviews… …read full story

Here’s Jessica Alba getting what has to be the best massage ever at a nail salon in Beverly Hills yesterday. She’s enjoying the hell out of it, trust me. I’ve seen that look before on a woman. It cost… …read full story

So, remember when Miley Cyrus showed her exposed back in Vanity Fair and the Bible Belt lost its shit? This is Armageddon, isn’t it? I’m pretty sure if I went to Disneyland right now there’s a dragon spewing blood… …read full story

Sad news, everybody. Elisha Cuthbert uses body doubles for her nude scenes. Although, I shouldn’t judge, I use one in the bedroom. (Ladies?) Seen here posing for the latest issue of Complex, Elisha talks about picking out naked chicks that best exemplify her body of work:

You don’t do nudity but instead employ body doubles. What’s the process in selecting someone?
Elisha Cuthbert: I’ve only had to do it twice. To be honest, it was really quick and pretty basic. I saw three girls and chose one out of the three. It wasn’t a long, drawn-out process. It’s not looking for someone [with] the perfect breasts. Nothing to do with that, really. I think it’s trying to find someone that looks natural, someone that looks good.
You mean someone who acts natural in front of a camera or someone, y’know, natural?
Elisha Cuthbert: You never see their face, right?

Anyone else imagining Elisha Cuthbert examining three topless girls’ breasts? Uh, yeah, me neither. I was just sitting here thinking about how much I love to marry and respect women first before getting intimate. Which, obviously, explains why I have no pants on. A ha ha ha don’t look at me.

Thanks to Joe who once doubled for Hugh Jackman – until the cops showed up.

Sad news, everybody. Elisha Cuthbert uses body doubles for her nude scenes. Although, I shouldn’t judge, I use one in the bedroom. (Ladies?) Seen here posing for the latest issue of Complex, Elisha talks about picking out naked chicks that best exemplify her body of work:

You don’t do nudity but instead employ body doubles. What’s the process in selecting someone?
Elisha Cuthbert: I’ve only had to do it twice. To be honest, it was really quick and pretty basic. I saw three girls and chose one out of the three. It wasn’t a long, drawn-out process. It’s not looking for someone [with] the perfect breasts. Nothing to do with that, really. I think it’s trying to find someone that looks natural, someone that looks good.
You mean someone who acts natural in front of a camera or someone, y’know, natural?
Elisha Cuthbert: You never see their face, right?

Anyone else imagining Elisha Cuthbert examining three topless girls’ breasts? Uh, yeah, me neither. I was just sitting here thinking about how much I love to marry and respect women first before getting intimate. Which, obviously, explains why I have no pants on. A ha ha ha don’t look at me.

Thanks to Joe who once doubled for Hugh Jackman – until the cops showed up.

Michael, I’m sorry MIKE Lohan is lamenting the reunion of Lindsay and Samantha Ronson. In a desperate cry for help/attention, he recently took to his blog to call Samantha a gold-digging lesbian who’s ruining Lindsay’s acting career. Enjoy some crazy:

Like I said in the past, “if I see or hear of anyone or anything causing harm or is seen as a threat to my children,” I will speak about it, and do anything I can to try to intervene regardless of the repercussions on me.
With that said, after seeing promise and thanking God for Lindsay’s freedom from SaMANtha’s bondage, I see now, that since SaMANtha has once again, weaseled her way back into Lindsay”s life, things have taken a dark turn.
While I was enthused that Ali was with Lindsay, rather than SaMANtha, I am torn to see that SaMANtha has once again manipulated Lindsay into leaving her little sister in LA, only to join SaMANtha on another DJ gig in Boston.
Was this again, a means for SaMANtha to earn more money through Lindsay”s presence? Did SaMANtha’s fee drop so much and so quickly when word got out that they parted ways? Are we so blind? Is Lindsay so blind? I know Dina and my kids aren’t because they tell me so. But then again, why does Dina tell me one thing and do another?!
When a mother or father sees their child in turmoil (losing weight, not working, and purportedly cutting herself) are we supposed to stand by , remain silent and pretend it isn’t happening? Or are we suppose to step to the plate and not care what people think, and do something about it?
Well, as you can see, I’m not going to sit back and let it slide.
I am asking everyone out their to intervene in every way possible to help Lindsay, and quite possibly, save her life. Help this wonderful, good hearted and gifted young lady to see what SaMANtha is doing to her and how she is destroying her life.
Help her to see that ever since SaMANtha came into her life, nothing good has come of it. As a matter of fact, Lindsay hasn’t used her gifts like she did before meeting SaMANtha.
Just LOOK! The proof is there! These aren’t just words, but FACTS! PLEASE HELP!

I think he’s trying to say Samantha Ronson is a man. I dunno, it’s hard to tell underneath all that subtlety.

Just days after revealing to the world Christmas cookies are her Kryptonite, Jessica Simpson bravely performed last night in Charlottesville, Va. while wearing leather pants. She thanked the crowd for their support and told them to “Stay positive, and pray out loud!” All of this would’ve been a touching, poignant moment of self-empowerment, except for the four rolls of electrical tape wrapped around Jessica’s stomach. I’m 90% certain she’s dressing herself in a locked room then bolting on stage before anyone can stop her. Next show: Ballerina!

Paris Hilton wants everyone to know “she’s a really strong person who’s been through a lot.” Her dumb blonde image is just something she cooked up for The Simple Life to get even more rich which is actually kind of smart. If it were true. People reports:

“For five seasons I was stuck doing this character,” she says. “It was kind of hard always having to play that character when it’s not who I am.”
She adds, “I just say jokes but they think I’m serious, which I think is funny, and I think I kind of play up the image sometimes because – whatever – it’s just entertainment.”

To further prove her genius, Paris stepped out into the chilly London morning today without a bra or coat on which makes me wonder how she’s not building rockets for NASA. It’s practically a crime against science.

Lady GaGa partied her face off in London last night. She started out the evening at Club Bungalow only looking slightly ridiculous before getting hammered at a private party. I love how she attempts to hide her face in some of these shots because that’s what’s drawing everybody’s attention. “Wait, there was an insanely dressed pop-star here a second ago. Now there’s just some girl in a bra with a hand over her face. I should go home and regret the errors of my way. Awww….”

Britney Spears’ sons Jayden James and Sean Preston seem to be adapting nicely to Kevin Federline’s girlfriend Victoria Prince. He recently took all of them, along with his children from Shar Jackson, up to the mountains for a getaway. This marks the first time I’ve seen a blonde woman holding Jayden in the woods where I didn’t instantly think “Shit, that kid’s getting fed to a bobcat.” On a more serious note, Sean has moved up a notch in Britney’s book for not sucking up to new mommy. Somebody doesn’t have to sleep in the garage tonight. Yippee!

Paris Hilton wants everyone to know “she’s a really strong person who’s been through a lot.” Her dumb blonde image is just something she cooked up for The Simple Life to get even more rich which is actually kind of smart. If it were true. People reports:

“For five seasons I was stuck doing this character,” she says. “It was kind of hard always having to play that character when it’s not who I am.”
She adds, “I just say jokes but they think I’m serious, which I think is funny, and I think I kind of play up the image sometimes because – whatever – it’s just entertainment.”

To further prove her genius, Paris stepped out into the chilly London morning today without a bra or coat on which makes me wonder how she’s not building rockets for NASA. It’s practically a crime against science.

Despite reports that Joaquin Phoenix’s rap career is an elaborate hoax for a documentary, his rep Susan Patricola sent the following statement to MTV News to set the record straight/basically admit her client is fucking batshit:

“The transition from one career to another is never seamless. It should come as no surprise to anyone that Joaquin came from a musical family, in addition to winning a Golden Globe for his portrayal of Johnny Cash,” Patricola wrote in an e-mail. “He intends on exploring his musical interests despite speculative, negative or positive reactions.”

Oh, Joaquin Phoenix won a Golden Globe for playing Johnny Cash. So by that logic, if Brad Pitt had won for Benjamin Button, he would’ve gained the creative license to age backwards. Jesus. Are you sure this was Joaquin’s rep who wrote this and not the guy he shoots heroin with inside a teepee?

Just because this seem apropos, here’s Russell Crowe finally working out in Sydney this morning after stubbornly refusing to shed the weight he gained for Body of Lies. His gut supposedly cost Sienna Miller the role of Maid Marian in Ridley Scott’s Nottingham because she’d make Russell look huge. I guess they threatened to cast Rosie O’Donnell because after his bike ride, Russell ran a marathon then started at least ten bar fights. Good for the cardio.

Jessica Simpson, perhaps you’ve heard her name in passing this week, was spotted arriving in Charlottesville, Va. last night where the paparazzi told her she looked gorgeous earning them a smile. I gotta hand it to Jessica Simpson. Most celebs *cough Lindsay cough* would’ve gone crying to their blogs if they were in her shoes. I mean, sure, Jessica can’t read or write, but why would you even bring that up? Seriously, not cool.

Britney Spears posted more rehearsal pics on her website, and apparently she workouts in a bikini top. While typically my reaction would be “Britney? Bikini? Take me, sweet death!“, she actually looks insanely good for someone who spent a good chunk of 2008 keeping Taco Bell in business. Or in other words, there’s still hope for Jessica Simpson.

Seen here in, admittedly, the best shape I’ve ever seen her in, Kim Kardashian is the latest celebrity to defend Jessica Simpson whose startling plumpness has become our nation’s greatest crisis. Not counting that war and the stuff with the money. In a move that just sent Jessica teetering off the edge to depression, Kim gave an interview for People which they described as “one curvy girl to another”:

“I actually love the outfit. I think she looks amazing. I love high-waisted jeans, I loved that belt, and her hair looked fabulous.”
Adds Kardashian, who’s attending the Super Bowl this weekend with football player beau Reggie Bush of the New Orleans Saints, “I get that she does look curvier, but to me, there’s nothing wrong it.”
No stranger herself to barbs about her own curvy physique, Kardashian says, “It doesn’t really bother me anymore. I love curves. Being super skinny just isn’t attractive to me. When I saw that picture, I knew everyone was going to say something. And I thought, ‘You know what? Leave Jessica alone!’ She’s fabulous, she’s a really sweet girl, and I admire her for putting up with it.”

PEOPLE EDITOR #1: Quick, who’s a celeb that will basically let us call her fat just by asking her opinion on Jessica Simpson in exchange for free publicity?
EDITOR #2: Kim Kardashian.
EDITOR #1: Oh, good call.

Paris Hilton got plastered last night in London while she’s in town promoting the British edition of My New BFF. She also made probably the most sensual face I’ve seen in my life. I’m actually contemplating a lifetime of itchiness over here.

In the meantime, I may have added some captions to a couple of these photos just like I’ve been secretly doing to previous posts, but who’s to say? Hint hint nudge nudge.

So Joaquin Phoenix might not be one voice inside his head away from crapping on the red carpet at the Oscars. Damn. Turns out his “rap career” could just be an elaborate ruse he cooked up with Casey Affleck, according to Entertainment Weekly:

Either Phoenix is perpetrating an elaborate Andy Kaufman-style hoax (with an assist from his friend and brother-in-law Casey Affleck, who’s ostensibly shooting a documentary about his career transition), or he’s truly lost his marbles. The truth, it seems, is closer to the former. “He said, ‘It’s a put-on. I’m going to pretend to have a meltdown and change careers, and Casey is going to film it,’” says one source who recently worked with Phoenix.

Before everyone says “I told you so,” I should probably point out that was an overheard conversation between Joaquin and a banana. They were married later that night and divorced/turned into a smoothie the next morning when Joaquin realized it was the government trying to steal his toothpaste. Love is a cruel mistress.

Here’s Hayden Panettiere on the set of Heroes yesterday showing her thong while riding the back of Adrian Pasdar. Six months ago this would’ve seemed like the second coming of Christ to me, but now? Nothin’. Actually, let’s not even go there. There’s still an empty hole in my heart that burns each day. God, I’m so sensitive. Like Shakespeare but less queer and shit.

While she waits for her adoption papers to clear, Megan Fox has been given a golden opportunity to replace Angelina Jolie thus delaying her plans to eventually stab the Oscar winning actress and eat her soul to complete the transformation. Too scientific? My bad. Long story short, Megan Fox is up for the role of Lara Croft in a new Tomb Raider film. E! News reports:

According to the Hollywood Reporter, the third film will completely reboot the video-game-based character, including changing her origin story (most likely shying away from her English aristocracy roots), and introduce new kinds of missions, love interests and villains.
And, most notably, a new leading lady.
While producers say an actress likely won’t be cast until a writer and director have signed on, Fox has emerged as the frontrunner replacement, at least as far as the blogosphere is concerned.

I had no idea a pair of implants and tattoos could be so effective. That gives me an idea….

UPDATE: So, apparently, getting a Yosemite Sam tattoo does not make you a suitable replacement for Hugh Jackman. I don’t even know how to describe how messed up that is. Seriously, Hollywood, you’re just being weird now.

Ashlee Simpson took to her blog to defend Jessica Simpson’s honor which I assumed got mistaken for a Ho-Ho because I’m a terrible person:

I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister’s weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman’s weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.
All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you’re a celebrity, there shouldn’t be a different standard.
Is this something you would say to your wife, daughter, mother, grandmother, or even a friend?
I seriously doubt it.
How can we expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we criticize a size 2 figure?
Now can we focus on the things that really matter.

Yeah, I’m with you, Ashlee. How dare FOX News run a headline about your sister’s weight? That’s my job! Do I report the news solely from a blatant Republican viewpoint? Shit no. So let’s try and maintain some boundaries, people. For journalism’s sake.

Tarino Lightbourn, an EMT who arrived at the scene of Jett Travolta’s death, was charged with conspiracy to commit extortion for trying to blackmail John Travolta for $25 million. Tarino allegedly had a “refusal to transport” document signed at the scene by the actor that he thought would be damaging. It’s not. People reports:

Senior Assistant Commissioner of Police Marvin Dames downplayed the importance of the document.
“The document did not apply in the Travolta case,” Dames tells PEOPLE. “It did not apply because he was very ill, and so, the only alternative would be to take him to the hospital. Refusal to transport documents are for cases involving minor injuries. If your injuries are minor and you don’t want to be transported, the ambulance driver would produce that form. It waives responsibility on the part of the hospital.”
Dames insists the Travoltas did everything possible to save their son.
“We were satisfied from all our investigations that the Travolta family and those who rendered aid to Jett did all that was humanly possible to revive Jett,” Dames says. “All did what they were able to resuscitate him.”
“There’s no evidence to support that there was any effort to avoid medical treatment,” he adds. “Lightbourn said that himself in several interviews.”

While all that explains things, you know what downplays the document even more? It’s probably fake:

For now, the police are having difficulty determining the authenticity of the document Lightbourn allegedly tried to sell to Travolta.
“We don’t know where the original is,” the senior assistant commissioner says. “We don’t know if he generated the document.”

So, Brainiac the EMT driver forged a document whose authenticity can’t even be verified and tried to bilk a grieving John Travolta whose every move is being followed by the press out of $25 million. Not to mention he went through Travolta’s lawyers who, oh I dunno, have a basic understanding of legitimate documentation. And this plan failed? Jesus, what are the odds?

Generally, I regard PETA as a bunch of insane hippies who have a knack for making celebs get naked therefore earning my respect as long as they don’t stop me from eating chicken wings. Well, this time they’ve outdone themselves, and apparently, a little too far. Above is a NSFW ad they hoped to run during the Super Bowl, but couldn’t based on obvious concerns from NBC.

That said, not seeing women make-out with vegetables during the Super Bowl* is about as Un-American as it gets. You might as well cancel the game and show footage of France. Way to tread on me, NBC. Now, as for PETA and their “Vegetarians have better sex” slogan, clearly they’ve never made love to a woman after eating at Outback. Which, actually, I recommend nobody ever do. Unless you love oniony coitus then knock yourself out.

Thanks to heather! who’s not allowed in the produce section anymore.

*GO STEELERS!