Kim Kardashian went jewelry shopping yesterday, and she has definitely moved past simple butt padding by going straight to shoving a sawed in half globe down her ass. Jesus. That’s not even hot unless I was a perverted cartographer. Which I’m not anymore ever since they kicked me off the “Map to Pussytown” project. That was my life’s work, you jerks!

Brooke Hogan really hates her mom. A months-old legal document leaked today that alleges Hulk was physically and verbally abusive to his wife Linda. Brooke signed the statement, but now regrets doing so after she “learned all the facts.” She says her mother pressured into signing the agreement, according to People:

Brooke’s rep says: “Brooke Bollea is distressed at the latest efforts by mother Linda to fracture the family. This time they let leak out an old document that Brooke signed filled with exaggerations and fabrications about father Terry’s behavior during the marriage. The months-old document was signed by Brooke at a time when she was upset with her father.”

Brooke is seriously grossed out by her mom’s 19-year-old boyfriend and the two are not on speaking terms. And to drive that home, Brooke then threw her mom under the bus:

“I love my mother, and hope to one day reconcile with her,” Brooke says. “But using kids as pawns in a divorce is awful. Every day my mother resorts to this kind of behavior makes it that much harder for us to ever have a relationship again.”

You know who I want to throw under a bus? The entire Hogan family. Also, I want the bus to constantly spray napalm, lemon juice and really pissed off wolverines. Just like the one I rode to school everyday until my parents realized, “Wait, school buses don’t play Iron Maiden and get driven by a guy in a bear costume.” Of course, by that time I was in college…

Angelina Jolie wasn’t knocked up with twins by way of Brad Pitt’s penis. Instead, she went with in vitro fertilization because nobody puts Angelina in a corner, not even nature! Unless nature looks like Billy Bob Thornton then maybe. Us Weekly reports:

“They conceived through in vitro fertilization,” a well-placed source within their camp tells Us. “They both desperately wanted more babies soon.”
The chance of having fraternal twins at Angelina’s age (33) naturally is under 1 percent; with in vitro, the chances are 25 percent.
The actress chose the procedure (which can cost around $12,000 a pop) so “she wouldn’t have to deal with the stress of trying to get pregnant,” the source tells Us. “She could just knock it out.”

Wow. Is Brad Pitt even having sex with Angelina Jolie? Or is he locked in a room every night with a copy of Gia and some test tubes? Some guys have all the luck.

We’re very aware of the popup problem and we’re doing our best to figure out where the hell they’re coming from. We’ve got a set of detectives sleuthing around so hopefully we’ll get this figured out soon. Trust us, nobody hates popups more than we do. If we wanted to annoy you guys to death, we would’ve just gone with Plan A: calling you up and telling you we slept with your mom.

Tony Romo is apparently the driving force behind Jessica Simpson’s already failed attempt to crossover to country music. While what small semblance of a music career she has left is being drowned in “twang,” Tony also wants to see his lady pack on the pounds, according to OK! Magazine:

Tony is also the first to boost Jess about her body! Jessica admits that she’s “packed on a few pounds but she doesn’t care,” the source tells OK!.
“She’s loving life and isn’t trying to be Daisy Duke. Besides, if Tony loves the way she looks, who is anyone else to complain?”

So, what? This is payback for all those football games he lost? C’mon, Tony Romo, that’s not cool. One day I might meet Jessica Simpson and seduce her with my funny stories Herculean pectorals. I don’t want to feel like it’s a “Gimme” because I ran into her at a Vegas buffet and quickly fashioned myself a necklace out of chicken wings. I’m a man who requires the thrill of the hunt. No, really, I always keep a blow gun handy. On a related note, I’m not allowed in the strip club anymore.

Anne Hathaway has been doing her best to distance herself from her ex-boyfriend con man Raffaello Follieri. She’s even changed her number, and many believe she helped the FBI arrest him. But now she’s getting pulled into the investigation after her private journals were confiscated during a raid of Raffaelo’s apartment. I say around mid-afternoon the Internet will be soaked with tales of pale sex next to a roaring fire of hundred dollar bills while Bill Clinton watches. NY Daily News reports:

The agents confiscated the intimate diaries of the Devil Wears Prada star during another raid on Follieri’s $37,500-a-month Trump Tower pad, according to the sources. Seeking to bolster their case against the dashing Italian, who has been charged with 11 counts of fraud and money laundering, agents are also said to have seized photos of Follieri with Bill and Hillary Clinton, Pope John Paul II, and John and Cindy McCain.

January 21, 2007
Raffaello bought me a yacht made of solid gold. We make love inside a Lamborghini then discard it like a used condom.

June 3, 2007
We take my yacht “The Why Don’t I Question Where My Boyfriend Gets His Money” out on the sea. We make love on top of a sea turtle then discard it like a used condom.

June 5, 2007
The sun fucking BURNS. Raffaello confuses me for a lobster woman then attempts to seduce me. I now have doubts about our relationship.

August 12, 2007
Raffaello buys me a diamond ring the size of a Buick. But not before stopping by a church and running out with the collection plate. He’s so romantic.

November 23, 2007
Sorry I haven’t written in so long. Raffaello and I vacationed on the moon. I met presumptive presidential candidate John McCain today. He tells me his secret recipe for barbecue, but I don’t know wear to find unicorn hearts and the bottled tears of children.

December 25, 2007
Raffaello manned a vast hunting expedition to track down the real Santa Claus. He brings me a blanket made of his beard, carcass and coat. Love is made. Expensive items discarded like condoms.

February 15, 2008
Approached by FBI agent today. Asked me if Raffaello knows the pope. I tell the agent, “No, but he likes to dress like him.” He laughs then pulls out duct tape and a wire tap. It itches.

Christian Bale’s sister reportedly asked him for £100,000 (roughly $200,000) to help support her children. When he said “No,” she decided to make some remarks about his wife causing a confrontation that, according to The Sun, did include “pushing and shoving”:

Legal sources told The Sun the women said sister Sharon needed £100,000 to help her bring up her three children. They said Bale, 34, snubbed the plea and a row flared in his suite at the Dorchester Hotel in London’s West End. Welsh-born Bale was alleged to have “pushed and shoved” mum Jenny, 61, and Sharon, 41.
Both Jenny and Sharon are terribly upset over what happened. They did not want any publicity and the last thing they wanted to do was wreck his premiere evening. But they say he bullied them.

Here’s what really happened: Christian Bale’s sister asked him for money. He said “How ’bout a check in the amount of ‘I hate you.’?” She called his wife a “hose beast” prompting him to drive over her face with the insane looking Batcycle above. Then Superman showed up, and they all ate sandwiches. The End.

WINNER: MOST BELIEVABLE VERSION YET!

Kim Kardashian went jewelry shopping yesterday, and she has definitely moved past simple butt padding by going straight to shoving a sawed in half globe down her ass. Jesus. That’s not even hot unless I was a perverted cartographer. Which I’m not anymore ever since they kicked me off the “Map to Pussytown” project. That was my life’s work, you jerks!

Sienna Miller was basically labeled a homewrecker after topless photos of her on vacation with Balthazar Getty emerged. It also didn’t help that Balthazar waited a week to announce he was separated from his wife at the time. So, Sienna is looking to cash in on the situation by suing The Sun, News of the World and Big Pictures for invasion of privacy, according to The Guardian:

It is believed that the writ relates to two articles that appeared in the Sun where Big Pictures contributed photos. The stories and pictures reported on Miller’s holiday in Italy and also referred to her friendship with Balthazar Getty, heir to the Getty oil fortune.

For the record, this kind of celebrity legal shenanigans is only kosher in Europe. Thankfully, here in the U.S., we understand the importance of seeing famous body parts.* Future historians will look back on our culture and revere Britney Spears’ vagina as if it were the Declaration of Independence. Damn, somebody should print some of my posts and bury them in a time capsule. People in the future should see how freaking advanced I was. Then they’ll build a moon statute in my honor which, for accuracy’s sake, should include me uppercutting a tank.

*Editor’s Note: The Superficial Writer, who is not a lawyer and simply hunts ambulances for sport, is making a broad, possibly inaccurate statement about privacy litigation. His assumptions are, legally speaking, derived solely from his anus.

Lauren Conrad’s neighbors would like to see her and Audrina Patridge relocate sooner rather than later. Preferably somewhere where bombs are tested. Production for The Hills is making life goddamn ridiculous for people on the girls’ street. Radar Online has the details:

On the never ending light show:
The neighbor continued, saying, “they’re running a soundstage over here.” Before Conrad moved into the house, she claimed MTV spent several noisy months heavily renovating it, adding at least two lighting grids in order to make every staged roommate-moment look like a glamour shot. “MTV keeps saying they’re going to end in October, that this is going to be the end,” she said, “but we don’t have it in writing.”

On having their Internet shut off during filming:
“We want some attention paid to the permits. We don’t want production crews parked in front of our homes all the time or our Internet blocked when they film.” Both complaining neighbors said they worked in the entertainment industry and were usually quite friendly to the frequent filming in their neighborhood, but that MTV was bucking regulations,

On, get the fuck out, paparazzi knife fights!?:
Another unhappy neighbor, who also spoke under conditions of anonymity with a near mafia-like fear of MTV, complained of knife fights between paps and loud parties.

A possible solution for the neighbors: Faulty meth lab. (Note: Be sure to run for “The Hills.” Ha ha ha, I’m going to slit to wrists.) That said, Jesus H. Christ, can Lauren Conrad be anymore boring? I mean, in these photos she’s doing at least two things that should get my attention: A. showing some cleave. and B. standing in front of a Batman poster. Yet I still feel myself slipping into a coma. In fact Zzzzzzzzzz….

Thanks to David who once had to choose between gnawing off his own arm or watching The Hills. He now heroically sports a badass hook.

These pics tell an incredible story. A story about Sophie Monk in a bikini. Then in a wetsuit. Then stripping out of that wetsuit while taking a shower and now she’s just in a bikini. It’s basically The Greatest Story Ever Told, and I’ll fight to the death anyone that says otherwise.

UPDATE: Even God agrees. Check out this e-mail:

The Superficial,

That shit straight PWNED The Bible. Ha, what was I thinking with the plagues and talking donkeys? If you want to tell a story and tell it right, you use bikinis. I’ll remember that next time for “The Bible 2: Now with More Lightsaber Fights.”

Keep it real,

Big Dong G Upstairs

Brooke Hogan has been offered the cover of the 55th Anniversary of Playboy. And she’s actually considering doing it! I don’t know why I just used an exclamation mark. Oh, that’s right; I plan on jabbing it in my eye. NY Daily News reports:

Brooke Hogan has been approached to pose nude for the famous men’s magazine, her publicist told the Daily News on Wednesday. And she didn’t say no.
The “Brooke Hogan Knows Best” star, 20, could use a boost for her stagnant singing career. Hogan’s 2006 album “Undiscovered” reportedly sold just 127,000 copies.

Hugh Hefner just heard this news and put down his pipe in disgust: “I never! The day Playboy runs photographs of trannies is the day Hugh Hefner succumbs to senility. I’ll see to this.” He immediately buzzes his secretary: “Get Marilyn Monroe on the line. Also, I’ve pooped again and want to watch cartoons.”

Video of Brooke discussing the photo shoot after the jump.

Amy Winehouse, for who the hell knows what reason, has been immortalized in wax at Madame Tussauds in London. Her parents Mitch and Janis stopped by for the unveiling sans Amy which prompted Mitch to ask Janis “Why couldn’t you have had a wax baby? I want a divorce.” The AP reports:

The singer’s parents, Mitch and Janis Winehouse, attended the unveiling, but the 24-year-old soul diva did not. Her father said she was working and would see the waxwork in the next few weeks.
“This is the reward for her musical achievements and her talent,” Mitch Winehouse said, adding the model bears an “incredible” likeness to his daughter.

For even further authenticity, the statue was rolled around the inside of a dumpster out back. These people don’t fuck around.

These pics tell an incredible story. A story about Sophie Monk in a bikini. Then in a wetsuit. Then stripping out of that wetsuit while taking a shower and now she’s just in a bikini. It’s basically The Greatest Story Ever Told and I’ll fight to the death anyone that says otherwise.

UPDATE: Even God agrees. Check out this e-mail:

The Superficial,

That shit straight PWNED The Bible. Ha, what was I thinking with the plagues and talking donkeys? If you want to tell a story and tell it right, you use bikinis. I’ll remember that next time for “The Bible 2: Now with More Lightsaber Fights.”

Keep it real,

Big Dong G Upstairs

Matthew McConaughey’s longtime girlfriend Camila Alves gave birth to their son Levi Alves McConaughey on July 7, and two weeks later, they popped him on the cover of OK! Magazine for a cool $3 mil. Thankfully, unlike the Jessica Alba and Jamie Lynn bullshit fests, this one is full of Matthew McConaughey ridiculousness. Turns out the dude’s idea of Lamaze is throwing a rave between a woman’s legs while she’s giving birth. You can’t make this stuff up. Scope out the highlights:

On coaching Camila:
“We found a great rhythm. Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music.”

On finding out it was a boy:
“I said, ‘Come here, little man. I saw the pecker and screamed that we’d been right all along about him being a boy. Then I brought him over to her [Camila].”

On how long he’s wanted to be a dad:
“I have it all chronicled. Becoming a dad is something I’ve dreamed of doing since I was 10. Becoming a father felt very, very natural. We were jamming!”

I will admit their baby is probably the cutest one I’ve had to look at during Celeb Uterus Summer Slam ‘08. Of course, I’m only saying that because Levi will grow up to be Earth’s warrior king after he defeats the invading Martian army with a battle axe. Or he’ll get really baked and live in a van on the beach with a pet ostrich. It’s a toss up.

Matthew Broderick is allegedly having an affair with a 25-year-old youth counselor he met at a bar earlier this year. Eyewitnesses claim to have seen the two together numerous times while Sarah Jessica Parker was in LA filming Sex and the City: The Movie, according to Star:

Sources say the woman felt conflicted with her relationship with Matthew, whom she nicknamed “Matty Cakes.” She tried to end it, say insiders, but that didn’t happen and over the next month — when Sarah Jessica was filming Sex and the City: The Movie in Los Angeles — multiple eyewitnesses say they saw Matthew make late-night visits to the other woman’s apartment building.
During one tryst, they arrived at her friend’s apartment after a night of heavy drinking, says a source. She dragged Matthew into the friend’s bedroom, then shut the door. “A half hour later, Matthew opened the bedroom door, mumbled ‘Well… ‘bye!’ and walked out. The friend found her passed out on the bed in her panties.”

I’m surprised Sarah Jessica Parker hasn’t caught Matthew Broderick sticking his penis in a variety of things besides her. Like a ham sandwich. Or, let’s be frank, a blender.

Kourtney Kardashian, the oldest sister who doesn’t maintain a steady diet of an entire yak, flashed her panties yesterday while having lunch with her boyfriend in New York City. While these pictures look conclusive, I know this family’s propensity for bullshit. That’s a stunt crotch. Trust me, I’ve seen numerous female nether-regions in my day (Read: 1.5), and this one’s a fake. I bet it’s made of chicken wire and silly putty just like E.T. If you start seeing little kids take flight on their bikes, don’t be surprised. Also, call me so I can bust out my BMX. Whee!

Christian Bale is reportedly suffering depression from strains in his marriage and the death of Heath Ledger that’s hitting home with The Dark Knight now the biggest thing since sliced bread that lives in a cave. According to a close friend of Christian, his mother provoked him into an argument Sunday evening at the Dorchester hotel where he had booked her and his family rooms for the London premiere. Things got heated, words were said and his mother and sister decided to turn him into the police for being a potty mouth. The Daily Mail reports:

“Things got out of control and he says now he wishes he just left the room. The thing that happened here was that normally Christian would just call a friend and go out to a pub to cool off. But he was literally trapped into this confrontation with his mother and sister because there was an army of fans and paparazzi outside.
“He was feeling the stress, but he didn’t lay a finger on anyone. Instead, he flew off the handle and cussed his mother. He just got very loud because his mother was saying some very outrageous things about him, his wife and his child.”

I guess Christian Bale learned the hard way that simply saying “I’m Batman” won’t automatically end every family argument. Damn, I could’ve told him that after last Thanksgiving. Of course, when I said it, I was naked and holding a pumpkin pie over my head. Not the best execution, but my uncle eventually relinquished the Cool Whip after the cops showed up and made me put some pants on. Way to narc me out, Grandma.

Nick Hogan/Bollea turns 18 on Sunday, and it looks like he’s all set to receive a special birthday corn-holing. Dreams do come true! TMZ reports:

Bollea, who has been housed with other juveniles at Pinellas County Jail, will be moved to an adult facility on Sunday, aka his 18th birthday. It’s an open dormitory type of setting where he’ll be in close contact with other adult inmates. The inmates are either awaiting sentencing or have already been sentenced in cases ranging from misdemeanors to felonies.

If Nick’s lucky, he remembered some wrestling moves his dad taught him. Particularly the “Take a Lot of Roids to Shrink your Nuts” maneuver. That way you can get hit there all day and won’t feel a thing. I don’t exactly know how that’ll prevent the butt sex, but I’ve completely tapped all my interest in Nick’s well being. So, who wants donuts?

Here’s musician James Blunt and Gary Dourdan (CSI) in Spain doing exactly what I’d be doing if I had cash pouring out my nostrils: Partying on a boat with topless chicks. Of course, I’d take it one step further by installing a torpedo launcher that I’d fire at dolphins, the smug bastards of the sea. Who’s the smart one now, fin ass?! Fire one! …. Where’s the “boom”? What do you mean I can’t load the tube with hand guns and steak knives?

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW unless you run a travel agency that specializes in exciting nipple-loaded destinations. In which case, what’s your most affordable package? I’ve got roughly $5.30 and these magic beans. Okay, they’re Raisinets.

Some dude is claiming he has hidden camera footage of Madonna and A-Rod in a Manhattan apartment having, what can only be described as, the grossest sex of all time. He’s demanding a ton of cash for the video and Madonna’s lawyers are aware of the guy’s claims. The Daily Star reports:

In a series of emails fired off to media outlets, he alleged the footage was shot two months ago in an apartment owned by a pal of Madonna she knows through her devotion to the Kabbalah religion.
The video man – who is also a friend of the apartment owner – claimed he found out and secretly installed a hidden camera in the living room with the lens pointed at the sofa.

Shit, I’ll buy them just to throw them down the garbage disposal. I don’t want any of this footage to get sent my way and I accidentally watch it. Like I want my face melted off by the Pharaoh’s curse that comes from looking at Madonna’s vagina. Seriously.

Thanks to KD who once punched a Sphinx.

Sports model Gabrielle Reece is seen here vacationing in St. Tropez, France with husband surf guru Laird John Hamilton. I can tell Gabrielle just had a baby - and not because she’s holding one. (Okay, that helped.) In the meantime, ladies, if you want an idea of how what I like look like, I’m built exactly like Laird here. Except more buff and Tiffany jewelry shoots out of my pecs.

Natalie Portman plays a Bollywood princess in the video for her boyfriend Devendra Banhart’s new single “Carmensita.” WARNING: I hope you like pubes and talks of “sacred teats.” That said, this thing kicks the shit out of the Star Wars prequels, but then again, pretty much 99% of YouTube does. With the exception of Tron Guy. Just kidding! That dude is Jesus.

Thanks to Bre for the video which has me convinced I accidentally put mescaline in my coffee again.

Video after the jump.

Christian Bale was picked up by Scotland Yard this morning after his mother and sister claimed he assaulted them in his London hotel room Sunday night. Police didn’t arrest Christian for questioning yesterday because of The Dark Knight premiere. Also, he’s not considered a flight risk (Really? Batman?) and the cops don’t quite believe the seriousness of the allegations, according to The Sun:

A source said: “It was a very difficult situation but it would have been wrong to have wrecked the premiere over a complaint which we don’t yet know is founded in truth.”

It’s a probably a simple matter of Christian wanting to sleep in his cape, but his mom wouldn’t let him. So he hung her from the balcony by her ankle and left a note for Commissioner Gordon. Ha ha! Kids.

UPDATE: TMZ is reporting the alleged assault was most likely verbal which apparently you can get arrested for in England. Ah, those wacky Brits. Christian Bale has already been released and his reps issued the following statement: “Mr. Bale, who denies the allegation, co-operated throughout, gave his account in full of the events in question and has left the station without any charge being made against him by the police. At this time, there will be no further comment by Mr. Bale.”

Kim Kardashian really is working on her figure like her mom, Reggie Bush and the entire Internet wants. Then again she’s a Kardashian, so this is most likely an elaborate ruse. She probably changed/crowbarred herself into workout clothes once she saw the paps camped outside of Super Buffet. Fortunately, her family invested in a Jaws of Life once the girls hit puberty. Don’t worry, Kim. I know you’ve lost a lot of circulation, but you’ll be home soon and out of those clothes. Oh, no she’s fading. Quick, there’s a road crew! Maybe they have an acetylene torch. STAY WITH ME, KIM! We’ll get those pants off somehow. Is there a chainsaw store nearby?