Kate Beckinsale did some scuba-diving while vacationing in Cabo yesterday with her family. I don’t want to say these photos of Kate in a bikini are the most important news of the day, but let’s be frank, they are. I mean, Jesus, I wrote a post about Chris Kattan. How does that even happen?

Roseanne Barr got people’s attention yesterday by flinging a bucket of crazy at Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt on her blog. Now, she’s getting invites to talk shows and knows people are reading her blog. Whoops! But at least she’s writing absolutely insane shit that makes the collected works of Britney Spears read like Charles Dickens - if he loved Burger King:

all celeb news is calling me to come on their shows and talk about my “attack” on brangelina. They say nothing about my attacks on howard dean, pumas, obama, hillary, maureen dowd, bush cheney, pelosi, congress, religion capitalism and satan though…I liked angelina til i heard her say she likes insane mccain for potus. By the way, I think elizabeth hasselberg is a f’r s’re closet case that wants to get whipped by sherri shepherd in a black corset while old babs slaps a riding crop on both of their exposed butt-oxes. love, crackpot granny!

Roseanne then took time-off from her The View erotic fan-fiction to backtrack on her comments about Brad and Angelina. Why do I get the feeling somebody got a Vietnamese kid thrown at her house this morning?:

i do not know brangelina and do not mean to personally impugn them as they might be good people in the flesh, but the media’s images of them are smelly and vile, and I must always attack the media’s representation of what is good or cool, because those who inhabit the media world of glamour and entertainment and fashion and gossip are horrid people who have no talent of any kind, and yet think of themselves as tastemakers. taste my sandy buttcrack, tmz, and perez!

You mean, I’m not invited for sandy buttcrack? Now I’ll never know what it truly feels like to live.

Chris Kattan and his model wife of two months are already throwing in the towel. But, yet, they don’t plan to divorce which would puzzle me if I weren’t too busy trying to figure out where the hell all the real celebrities are hiding today. Us Magazine reports:

After just eight weeks of marriage, Saturday Night Live alum Chris Kattan and his wife, model Sunshine Tutt, have split.
“Separated for the moment. No plans for divorce at this time,” his rep tells Usmagazine.com.

I guess you could say, “The honeymoon is over.” A ha ha ha! But, no, seriously, I’m sure the roofies just wore off. They’ll be fine.

British model/actress Kelly Brook decided to celebrate her recent split from Billy Zane by hitting up Saint-Tropez and posing in a bikini. I guarantee I could probably roll up on Kelly and woo her by simply saying “Did you notice all my hair? It’s on my head.” She’d be like putty in my hands - which I would then mold into giant breasts because, dammit, I love romance.

Sometimes dreams do come true. In this case, a really retarded one called “David Beckham: The Musical.” (Actually, it’s called “The Theater of Dreams,” but close enough.) Set to launch in London’s West Side, the production will basically portray David as the Jesus of soccer. I shit you not. The UK Telegraph reports:

“Beckham’s story is a modern-day fairytale of heroes, villains, love, Manchester United and what it means to lead your country,’’ explained Mark Archer, the songwriter behind this celebration of Beckham’s first 33 years. “His rise from obscurity to international stardom, his universally acknowledged gifts as a supreme sportsman, and his Hollywood lifestyle all have the elements of an aspirational fable.
“With football and celebrity now firmly established as new secular Western religions, The Theatre of Dreams is set within a cheering football stadium – the modern-day church. The music is powerful, gospel-like rock to establish clearly football and Manchester United as a religion.’’

David Beckham’s life is “a modern-day fairytale of heroes, villains, love, Manchester United and what it means to lead your country.” Uh, wow, that’s pretty epic for a guy who plays soccer and married a Spice Girl. Sure, he had sex with a bunch of women on the side, but have you seen some of them? It’d have been more epic if he banged a toaster.

Thanks to Ellie who prays every night that Victoria Beckham is cast as a soccer ball.

Somebody thinks Avril Lavigne is not only sexy, but “too sexy.” Really? Vampire Girl? She was set to perform in Malaysia but officials for the country think Avril’s sugary pop music is a bad influence, according to OK! Magazine:

“It is not timely. It’s not in the good spirit of our National Day. If we go ahead with the concert, it is contrary to what we are preparing for,” said Shukran Ibrahim, a senior official from the ministry.
“We don’t want our people, our teenagers, influenced by their performance. We want clean artists, artists that are good role models,” said Kamarulzaman Mohamed, a party youth official.

Has anyone ever seen an Avril Lavigne concert? It’s pretty much the equivalent of watching somebody have a seizure - but with lasers, and it cost you a hundred bucks. Whee.

Dita Von Teese shows off her new line of lingerie that she designed for Wonderbra. It’s meant to be worn all day under your normal clothes because apparently Dita wants all you ladies to be slutty superheroes. Finally, a cause I can support! In the meantime, here are the details from Marie Claire UK:

‘I love it when you can go about your daily business with the knowledge that you have a little secret of your own on underneath. Lingerie shouldn’t be something you just put on for your lover; you should do it for you. It’s not about seducing men, it’s about embracing womanhood.’

Of course, what better way to embrace womanhood than by seducing men. Just sayin’.

Christina Applegate has pwned breast cancer. In an interview today on Good Morning America, Christina revealed that doctors were able to successfully remove the cancer, and she’s good to go. ABC News reports:

“I’m clear,” the star of “Samantha Who?” said. “Absolutely 100 percent clear and clean. … They got everything out so I’m definitely not going to die from breast cancer.”

Congratulations to Christina on her speedy recovery, and also, thanks for keeping it a secret that I cured you with my sexiness. True story.

Audrina Patridge needs to remind Heidi that the only good Hills star is a bikini-clad Hills star. Well, except for Lauren Conrad whose chest could literally put a man to sleep.

These are shots of Jennifer Lopez training for the upcoming Nautica Malibu Triathlon. J-Lo is competing to raise money for Children’s Hospital of LA which means she’s practically the Unabomber, according to Roseanne Barr logic. Judging by these photos, I can only assume the triathlon consists of pretending to asphyxiate in a comical fashion, emphasizing the size of your breasts and heavily contemplating if you can fit your ass into a bathing suit. Never before have all of Jennifer Lopez’s talents been so fiercely put to the test.